The venerable fortune teller Wisdom Tsai (蔡上機) correctly predicted last month’s decimation of the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) — but really, anybody could tell you that the end was coming for the blue camp.
Nevertheless, Tsai, who was born with white hair and is possibly a reincarnation of a sage, must have some kind of talent to be able to afford that NT$13,750,000 Mercedes Benz supercar, so we’ll take a listen to what he has to say about the Year of the Monkey. Spoiler alert: it’s pretty apocalypse-style grim — but which year hasn’t been?
A DEPRESSING OUTLOOK
Illustration: Tania Chou
The new era will lead to a year of political confusion, Tsai says, with plenty of domestic struggles. The country’s foreign allies may turn out to be two-faced, and Taiwan might even lose further international standing. In addition, poor government decisions may lead to disasters that may cost numerous lives.
Official cross-strait relations will take a nosedive, and China will instead continue its economic conquest of Taiwan, infiltrating important corporations through the guise of investment and stock purchases, further diminishing Taiwan’s economic power.
Impractical domestic economic policies will lead to financial hardships for many civilians, and corruption will explode among those in power, greatly widening the gap between the rich and poor.
It’s a dog-eat-dog year, and those on the lower rungs of the social ladder will have little opportunity to move up as big corporations will continue to eat up or push out smaller businesses. In addition to a wildly unstable stock market, the financial scene will be full of fraudulent activities such as tunneling, forgery and perfidy. The real estate market will “fall into the bottom of the valley and remain silent,” Tsai says, and will stay this way until 2019.
Morals in society will also be at an all-time low, with people being pompous, wasteful and excessively vain while prone to the temptation of various carnal pleasures. There will be a number of high-profile sex scandals and romance or religious scams, and excessive sexual liberation in society will lead to the deterioration of moral reasoning with HIV becoming a major problem.
Healthwise, food scandals will continue to be exposed, and there’s a chance of heart, respiratory, intestinal or brain diseases and a high chance of psychological illness. Internationally, something bad might happen in California, while China continues to grow stronger.
If you’ve made it this far, you probably have realized, all of this, really is nothing new.
Finally, as Tsai likes to include in his love and health advice for almost every zodiac sign, be sure to engage in safe sex practices and use contraception (even though Taiwan’s birth rate does need some boosting).
DRESS FOR LUCK
If you’re not having a child or starting a business this lunar year, you might want to watch out if you’re a Monkey, for it is your benmingnian (本命年) — the year of your sign, which is traditionally considered a year of trouble and unhappiness.
Fortune teller Cheng Ya-yun (鄭雅勻) foretells that Monkeys, along with Horses and Boars, make up the three signs who will have the worst luck this year. Cheng warns that something unexpected may happen to Monkeys that will cost them financially. They should also be cautious romantically, as they might end up having both their heart and wallet broken.
Tsai agrees, saying that Monkeys should watch out for swindlers in general as well as sex or romance scams — including blackmail through nude pictures or sex videos.
Cheng says Horses will end up working a lot for little gain, their love lives full of overthinking, indecision and suspicion, and they should watch what they say at work to avoid unnecessary conflict. It will be an up-and-down year for Pigs, but they mostly just need to watch their finances as they may easily end up spending more than they earn.
A traditional saying is “one happiness wards off three disasters (一喜擋三災),” thus Monkeys may be able to somewhat neutralize their benmingnian by doing something joyous such as getting married or having children.
Now we’re not telling you to propose to your next door neighbor just to change your luck. Luckily, we have Cheng, who has provided some fortune-changing fashion advice that could make or break your year.
Monkeys should wear yellow hues for the first half of the year and white for the second half, green and red for Horses and beige and blue or black for Pigs. Adding some grays will improve the Monkey’s love life, and pink and purples for Horses.
In addition, Horses should sport blue or black round-rimmed glasses for better professional luck. To avoid financial disaster, Monkeys should use yellow or beige wallets or purses while Pigs should carry white or grey ones.
If you’re a Rat, Dragon or Dog, heck, just enjoy your year and wear whatever you want.
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