I've just returned from a short trip to the wilder side of Taiwan -- the gloriously undeveloped east coast. I was down in Taitung on a bit of business and to have a couple of relaxing days with my gal Cathy Pacific.
We took the opportunity to sample a bit of Taiwan's natural beauty with a walk in the Chihpen Forest Recreation Area (知本國家森林遊樂區). Cathy and I were determined to clear the city from our lungs, so we decided to take "Brave man's slope" up to the highest point in the park. All I can say is that it's a good thing it wasn't a sunny day because I was sweating like Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) under cross-examination by the time we got to the top.
We sat down to catch our breath with a quick Long Life and Baolida B chaser when we were startled by a large crashing sound in the trees above us.
We looked up ... to behold the wonderful sight of a family of Formosan macaques making their way through the trees, munching on leaves as they went. It was a beautiful moment and quite an experience for a concrete jungle dweller like me.
Before this, the closest I'd ever been to anything resembling a simian in its natural habitat was a few years ago when I attended a press conference with that self-styled nemesis of nepotism, Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Legislator Chiu Yi (
In fact, you can just imagine the king of wildlife documentaries, David Attenborough, saying something about this rare creature: "And here we see the lesser-spotted libelous wiggius, or as it is better known, the Chiu Yi. This extroverted creature appears from long periods of hibernation every three years or so for a few weeks to partake in attention-seeking and aggressive gossiping. Perfectly at ease with cameras or human attention, during this short season it emerges from its lair once a day, preening its strange, ill-fitting scalp fur and emitting a distinctive whiny drone, interspersed with bursts of strange chatter. It survives by feeding on tidbits and rummaging through human waste for scraps of sustenance."
And like any endangered animal to be taken into captivity, Chiu is going to have to get used to the thought of living in a small, caged enclosure.
As I was basking in the glory of my Discovery Channelesque Taitung wilderness adventure I chanced upon a news clipping about how stray dogs are being trained to clear the Old Tianmu Trail (天母古道) of Formosan macaques, which have apparently been hassling walkers for food.
Heavens. If I'd known there were monkeys a mere stone's throw from Neihu Towers then I wouldn't have gotten so excited about my Taitung safari.
On the subject of tree-hugging furry things, I also came across an article in this very newspaper containing the startling news that the marsupial of choice for Taiwan's youngsters -- koalas -- could become extinct within a decade.
That's right, kids: Patrick, Harley, Eva, their evil cousin Ligi and the rest of Taipei Zoo's "no-tailed bears" will soon be on their way to the great eucalyptus tree in the sky -- and there'll be no cute leaf-chewers to replace them.
Australian environmentalists say that urban development, genetic mutations caused by generations of inbreeding, chlamydia and drought are pushing these furballs to the edge of extinction.
Inbreeding and STDs, eh? Don't know about you, readers, but I certainly won't be letting any of the Neihu clan's young whippersnappers anywhere near the koala house on our next sojourn to Muzha (
But this news got me thinking: How will the next generation of Taiwanese kids get their quota of "ke'ai (
Well, if the KMT ever manages to wrest back the reins of power, then you can bet your bottom NT dollar that "Tuantuan" and "Yuanyuan," the pair of Trojan pandas that Beijing tried to force upon us last year, will be quickly defrosted from Chicom Reunification Cryolab No. 1 and on the first container ship over here to make up for the dearth of furry cuteness. If all else fails, then some other poor caged creatures will have to suffice, perhaps with some koala fur stapled onto them.
Talking of caged animals, Taiwan made headlines around the globe for the wrong reasons again last week thanks to the unbelievably amateurish antics of one Chang Po-yu (
In a debacle that would make the late, great Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin turn in his grave, Chang had his forearm bitten off by a crocodile while retrieving what he thought was an anesthetic dart from the croc's hide.
Checking the dart beforehand to see if it really was an anesthetic and not an antibiotic apparently never crossed his mind. Nor, apparently, did taping shut the croc's jaws as a precaution.
The keepers became concerned after the reptile had been motionless and refused food for a few days. They were seemingly unaware that large, devious and slimy creatures that are close relatives of dinosaurs often go into long periods of inactivity. If they had kept track of People First Party founding father James Soong's (
And if that wasn't enough incompetence for one day, it was then revealed that the so-called zoo had identified the animal incorrectly. A mysterious "crocodile expert" in Tainan saw coverage of the incident on TV and challenged the zoo's identification of the poor reptile, with "Crocodile Tainan's" assertion that it was a salt-water crocodile being proved correct.
At least that cleared up one mystery: I had always wondered where that Aussie larrikin Paul Hogan ended up after an ignominious end to his Hollywood career. If only he had been on hand at the zoo: He could have wrestled the bloody limb from the croc instead of having some cop use the beast for shooting practice.
Finally, another Taiwanese that inhabited the Earth at around the time of the dinosaurs, the "Great-Godfather of Independence" (or whatever he is known as these days) Lee Teng-hui (
This treatment, sources tell me, involves inserting a balloon catheter into the artery, which is then guided to the site of the blockage. The balloon is then inflated, expanding the artery wall and clearing the blockage.
Not putting you off your breakfast, am I?
I've got a better idea. Why don't doctors use the balloon catheter to perform an operation on the former president's permanently closed eyelids?
That way, he will be able to better see what he is eating, allowing him to avoid unhealthy food, blocked arteries and any further expensive angioplasty operations. Problem solved.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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