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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Flaming hell, you've fried my thong

This week was just another typical seven days of summer in Taiwan: politicians from both sides of the political fence blasting/commending the judiciary for being biased/impartial (delete as appropriate), a typhoon sweeping across the nation and bringing floods, destruction and scallions that cost more than Yangtze River dolphin caviar and, oh yeah, China Airlines (CAL) lost yet another plane.

Fortunately, this time all the passengers managed to escape the on-board barbecue just minutes after the plane landed on Okinawa.

You can just imagine the scene at the luggage carousel afterwards; it's hard enough trying to tell your luggage from everyone else's when it's in good condition, let alone when it looks like the remains of a bonfire after a rain shower.

Maybe the representative from CAL should have been handing out replacement Speedos, bikinis and beach towels instead of cash-filled red envelopes to console the disappointed holidaymakers.

Talk about white-knuckle rides -- I could only compare flying with Taiwan's flagship carrier to taking a balloon ride with Britain's bearded business buffoon, Richard Branson. You know it's going to come crashing down eventually -- you just don't know when and where. Maybe CAL should start charging passengers for their flight if and when it safely rolls up to the gate -- and not a moment earlier.

It's a shame really because, as you may or may not know, my gal Cathy Pacific started her illustrious career as a trolley dolly with CAL. She quite enjoyed working there in the early years, even though the pay was lousy. But I think it was the recitals of the Three Principles of the People (三民主義) and the bowing to the picture of Sun Yat-sen (孫中山) that used to hang in the cockpit before each take off that got to her in the end.

I also used to fly China Airlines quite regularly as a youngster, as back then it was the only option for young Taiwanese with itchy feet (and because it took me over 48,000km to pluck up enough courage to ask Cathy out on a date), but I was always a bit skeptical of their policy of employing former Air Force pilots, especially after one flight to Hong Kong when the pilot started practicing dogfight maneuvers and bombing runs.

Things have changed since then. Several years ago the company started bringing in expat pilots to improve things. So much for that; according to the Associated Press, the pilot on Monday's flight, Yu Chien-kuo (猶建國), was an air force pilot for 20 years before joining CAL six years ago.

Obviously CAL has trouble employing enough expats, which is hardly surprising when, according to an article on Asia Sentinel's Web site, one expat pilot once quipped: "You have to remember that the guy in the right-hand seat is trying to kill you." Indeed.

Any patriot will be ashamed to know that -- according to airsafe.com -- China Airlines' safety record (in technospeak: its full loss equivalent [FLE] rate) is one of the world's worst. Worse, in fact, than that of Garuda, Indonesia, which, along with 50 other Indonesian airlines, was officially banned from flying to all airports in the EU on July 5.

It has always baffled me that CAL should have such a poor safety record in a country that is filled with so many intelligent, hard-working engineers -- especially when the national carriers of Mauritius, Papua New Guinea, Tanzania, Zimbabwe, Trinidad and Tobago, the Cayman Islands, Ghana, Costa Rica, Uruguay, and Syria all have 25 years of blemish-free flying to boast of.

But then maintenance has never been the strong suit for most of my fellow countrymen. The usual modus operandi for electronics and machinery usage here is buy, use until broken, throw away, buy new one.

Perhaps someone should tell CAL that this is OK for bicycles and hot water machines, but it does not apply to large expensive machinery like Boeing jetliners.

This latest embarrassment makes me scared to fly with my national airline. Don't get me wrong, I'm as proud of Taiwan as the next man, but patriotism is cold comfort when every time you strap yourself into the seat you have images of that scene from the movie Alive going through your mind. As a busy reporter, I just don't have time to spend weeks slowly freezing to death on top of Hsuehshan (雪山) while fighting off marauding Formosan black bears and eating frozen butt meat from the corpse of Mr Huang from Kaohsiung.

Luckily, Cathy's cousin Eva works for Taiwan's safer carrier and I now fly with them whenever I travel overseas.

I won't be at all surprised if supermodel Lin Chih-lin (林志玲) decides to dump her endorsement contract with CAL faster than she can get off a horse.

And who could blame her? After all, CAL is the only company in the world that could make the lovely Lin look downright frumpy, as it manages to do in an ad that appears regularly on the pages of our competitor and rabid conspiracy theory spreader, the China Post (and by the way, isn't it about time they changed their name to the "Taiwan Post?")

Speaking of name changes, Monday's little mishap got me thinking. I've always found it weird that the government's name change campaign has avoided tackling the nation's most treasured state-owned company, but now I'm beginning to understand why.

Not renaming CAL capitalizes perfectly on the confusion that still exists around the world when it comes to distinguishing us from our red neighbors.

Picture the following scene, which could play out in any one of 100 million households across the Western world.

Man, quietly reading newspaper over breakfast, turns the page and says to wife: "Lord, China Airlines has crashed another plane. Mind you, those bloody Chicoms can't even make toothpaste properly, so how on earth can we expect them to fly planes. Pass the orange juice, will you darling."

Perfect.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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