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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Color-coded justice busts all butts

By Johnny Neihu

Saturday, Jun 23, 2007, Page 8

Strange that editorial writers who insist Taiwan's economic interests are best served by blocking all ties with China would draw inspiration from Adam Smith.

But there it was last Saturday on page 2 in the "little editorial" of a prominent newspaper: a reference to the "invisible hand" from The Wealth of Nations. When I realized that the writer was adapting one of the foundations of economic theory to the verdict last week nullifying the results of last year's Kaohsiung mayoral election, I knew I was in for a wild ride.

And the first paragraph didn't disappoint:

"An `invisible hand' influences the fate of `politics,' and its power is growing stronger and stronger. It sways the ascension and decline of political parties, the rise and fall of politicians. It is `the hand of the judiciary.' The fates of many politicians, and even political parties and camps, all rest with that invisible hand."

Lock your doors, people. A specter is haunting Taiwan. But contrary to what this editorialist and the pan-blue media say, the specter is not a judiciary bent on serving the other party. It is one that is willing to bust your ass regardless of which party you're in.

Heaven help anyone involved in public prosecution these days. They just can't win. Indict the blues and you're a bum. Convict a green and you're a pan-blue poodle. You're the scapegoat any time you do your job by catching political parties and politicians at their shenanigans.

Now, I don't really want to delve too deeply into all the finger-pointing and mud-slinging that has surrounded the results of the Kaohsiung poll. Suffice it to say that there were plenty of shenanigans to go around from both parties. The verdict probably could have gone either way in my mind. But "the darkest day in the history of Taiwan's judiciary," as piqued mayoral defendant Chen Chu (陳菊) described it? Just a tad dramatic.

If you want to believe that the judges judged based on politics instead of blind justice, go right ahead. But even if Taiwan's judiciary is just a bunch of politically controlled courts run by corrupt judges more interested in serving politicians' interests than being impartial, it seems that they've been dishing out the injustice pretty even-handedly.

And I can prove it. This week I set myself the painstaking task of cataloguing the major judicial rulings and indictments that have been handed down in Taiwan over the past year or so. I used these to create the Johnny Neihu Index of Taiwanese Juridical Bias. I have used advanced statistical formulas to assign each major ruling a certain number of points for the pan-green camp or the pan-blue camp, and have added them up to see which party has benefited the most from Taiwan's corrupt, partisan judicial system.

In the interests of scientific rigor, I should disclose that I calculated these formulas in my head during commercial breaks while watching Animal Planet.

So let's tally up the totals so that you can keep score at home. We'll begin with the first family.

Facing prosecution we have first lady Wu Shu-jen (吳淑珍) and rotting in jail is presidential son-in-law Chao Chien-ming (趙建銘). Now, these two didn't actually hold any elected post when Johnny Law caught up with them, so their indictments don't carry the same weight as a real politician. But given their proximity to Prez A-bian (陳水扁), the pan-blue camp's Great Satan, they were still a big score for the pan-blue camp. I award the pan-blues one point for each of their scalps.

Then we have old A-bian himself, who is not indicted, but who prosecutors have assured will be fed to the lions once he is finally pried out of the Presidential Office. Although he hasn't been charged, he is the biggest fish that those unscrupulous pan-blue-camp-hugging prosecutors like Eric Chen (陳瑞仁) -- I'm being sarcastic -- could have netted. Two more points to the pan-blues.

The next big name to be graced with an indictment was former Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), who is on trial for alleged misuse of an allowance while mayor of Taipei. Ma obviously gets a full point for being the KMT's main hope of winning the presidency next year and the face of its cuddly new image. But I'll give the pan-greens an additional two points because his indictment, unlike Chen's, may have a significant impact on political developments. Three points for the pan-green camp.

Third comes KMT Legislator-not-at-large Chiu Yi (邱毅). Chiu's actual contribution to Taiwanese politics is so pathetic as to be negligible. However, his symbolic value is enormous. Despite the KMT's long roll call of crazies masquerading as legislators, nobody can compare to Chiu in terms of sheer intolerability of personality.

My blood pressure has dropped 40 points just from not having to hear his nasal whine talking about "Chen Shwaaaay-bian xiansheng" while flipping past Lee Tao's (李濤) show on TVBS at night. Now that the Democratic Progressive Party's (DPP) Wang Shih-cheng (王世堅) will be able to dominate competition for which party can lay claim to the most shameless and embarrassing member, Chiu's incarceration is a major coup for the DPP. I will award this judicial ruling four points for the pan-greens.

Finally comes the most recent Kaohsiung ruling. Now, most people don't have any serious personal beef with Chen Chu or KMT rival Huang Chun-ying (黃俊英) as far as I can tell. So I don't think the KMT is really getting a lot of satisfaction from tarnishing a hated foe. However, like Ma's indictment, this ruling has significant practical implications: The DPP could lose control of the city. Therefore, I award three points to the pan-blue camp for this ruling.

As we can see, after tallying up the totals from my thoroughly scientific and objective survey, it turns out that the blues and greens are in a dead tie at seven points apiece. Looks like that old judiciary might have been treating them pretty fairly after all. Who would have guessed?

Even if justice isn't blind, at least she knows how to work both sides.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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