Sat, Aug 05, 2006 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Sarcastic pressure for DPP idiots

If ever you needed evidence that the Democratic Progressive Party needs to improve its pitiful English, here it is. Warning: contains heavy sarcasm and mockery.

By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖

So the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) has finally turned the tide.

Beset by scandal after scandal, rocked by blow after blow, it seemed that all was lost for the ruling party. But those of us who watch the minutiae of Taiwanese politics like ancient astrologers watched the stars, hoping that the intricate machinations would reveal some evidence of a higher order, knew that change was in the wind. The DPP was just setting itself up for the Big Comeback.

The ruling coalition spent many moons marshaling its forces and assembling its weaponry. It pondered long, it pondered hard; but it pondered not in vain.

Finally, the DPP has struck back at its tormentors. It has delivered a swift and debilitating blow to its foe, the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT).

That's right. You heard it here first. The ruling coalition has transformed itself from the Weenie Greenies into a Lean, Mean, Pan-Green Fightin' Machine.

"How did it accomplish this?" the reader asks, breathlessly. "What was this incident responsible for this remarkable comeback? How could I have missed it?"

Well, big things have small beginnings.

But it seems pretty clear at this point that Guidebook-gate is ready to explode into this year's -- nay, this century's -- biggest political scandal, one that could rock the foundations of civilization as we know it.

Yep. Guidebook-gate. KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou's (馬英九) insidious plot to skew the content of an English-language travel guide published by a German company in his party's favor has been exposed, thanks to the linguistic acumen of DPP Taipei City councilors Lan Shih-tsung (藍世聰), Hsu Chia-ching (徐佳青) and Yen Sheng-kuan (顏聖冠).

"Guidebook-gate?" the reader asks, underwhelmed. "What the hell are you talking about? Johnny, have you lost your marbles?"

Well, those are difficult, eternal questions which man has pondered since time immemorial. But consider the facts:

Our very own Taipei Times, in a story published on Aug. 2, tells us that the DPP discovered that the Insight City Guide: Taipei guidebook, published by Langenscheidt KG, "describes the March 19, 2004, shooting as part of an `election drama.'" Oh, could there be a more telling indication of pan-blue propaganda at work? Drama? Ridiculous. Just look it up.

According to my Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, one of the definitions of "drama" is "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, or conflicting interests or results." How dare Brett Hannon, the guidebook's author, describe the vivid, emotional 2004 presidential election, which had conflicting interests and results, in this way.

But Johnny, this is absurd, you say. Asinine. Demonstrative of a total lack of understanding of the English language, as well as some deep-seated paranoia that probably requires years of therapy. Well, I was ready for that, you transparent KMT running dog.

Try this on for size: The perfidious so-called Insight guidebook also says: "Many of those whose ancestors arrived during imperial times now simply refer to themselves as `Taiwanese.' Mainlanders who arrived after World War II, however, feel uncomfortable with this."

KMT bias! KMT bias! What else could motivate Hannon to describe Taiwanese society in such an accurate and concise manner? Taiwanese people have no identity issues. One never meets people in this country who call themselves "Chinese," while some call themselves "Taiwanese," right? Everyone in this country is in total agreement about everything, including ethnic identity, political orientation and Taiwan's ultimate destiny -- independence or unification.

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