For many introverts, shy individuals and people with social anxiety, mingling at parties is often draining or arouses uncomfortable emotions. The internal debate about whether or not to attend large get-togethers can get especially intense during the holiday season, a time when many workplaces celebrate with cocktail hours, gift exchanges and other forms of organized fun.
“Some people are just not party people,” City University of New York social work professor Laura MacLeod said. “With a workplace holiday party, there’s a pressure to be very happy and excited. It’s the end of the year, it’s the holidays, we’re all feeling grand. And maybe people are not really feeling that grand.”
Attending work parties also leaves some people feeling uncertain about professional boundaries, which can get murky at events where people drink alcohol, said MacLeod, who created a consulting company called From the Inside Out Project that trains managers on team relationships and conflict resolution.
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Therapists and workers who consider themselves shy or introverted shared tips for surviving and potentially enjoying the winter festivities, whether with coworkers, family or friends.
DRESS FOR COMFORT
Take control of everything you can to put yourself at ease, starting with what you wear, MacLeod said. Find out the dress code and choose something comfortable within the parameters of acceptable attire. “If it’s not your thing to wear five- or six-inch heels, just because it’s a holiday party, don’t do it,” she said. “If you want flat shoes, wear flat shoes.”
ARRIVE EARLY, HEAD FOR THE MIDDLE
Introverts and shy people may find smaller crowds more manageable, and the turnout at parties tends to be smallest at arrival time. While nerves might make it tempting to hug the sidelines, positioning yourself there also may increase self-consciousness. Experts suggest heading to the center of the room, where participating in conversations is easier because there are more of them.
If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, stay a short time. It’s fine to say, “I just wanted to come and be sure to wish everybody happy holidays. ... I’ve got some family things I have to handle tonight, so this is a quick stop for me,” MacLeod said. “Get yourself in and out.”
PLAN TALKING POINTS
Thinking in advance of topics you enjoy discussing can help relieve anxiety. Another good way to engage is by asking open-ended questions, such as whether a colleague has interesting holiday plans, recommended Andrea Taylor, a psychologist at UTHealth Houston. You can also ask people what they like to do outside of work.
Keeping a conversation going doesn’t have to require heavy lifting.
“Remember that your answers don’t have to be perfect,” she said. Suitable responses could include something like, “‘I haven’t done that, but that sounds interesting,’ or ‘Whoa, you’re great for doing that, but I’m not the bungee jumping type,’” Taylor added.
Steer clear of topics that may be divisive and keep things light, she said.
For encounters with a high-level boss, you can keep it short and simple, saying, “This is a great party. Thank you so much for doing all this. It’s been a great year, and I hope you and your family have a lovely holiday,” and then move on, MacLeod suggested.
DON’T STRESS ABOUT AWKWARD SILENCE
People who are shy or have social anxiety sometimes fear having nothing to say. But if a topic runs its course, that’s OK, Taylor said. “Silences feel uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that it is your specific responsibility to fill the silence,” she said.
If that happens while Taylor is chatting with a colleague, she sometimes acknowledges the sudden pause, saying “This is awkward because we’re so used to talking about work things, aren’t we.”
If someone you’re talking to seems distracted, don’t assume they’re bored with you, Taylor said.
“It could be as simple as they’ve had a long day or they’re dehydrated and their head hurts, or they’re wishing they had changed their shoes before they came, or they happen to be missing their kid’s recital,” she said. “I caution people against mind reading because we’re really good at misinterpreting what people are thinking and often we do it in a negative direction.”
SEEK ALLIES OR BRING SUPPORT
Carla Pruitt, a business development associate at engineering company ENFRA, said, her social anxiety at in-person events has increased during the five years she’s worked remotely from her home in Salt Lake City. Pruitt, 44, said she looks for other women with children or fellow pet lovers when she does go to company events.
“I can talk about my dog all day,” she said.
Pruitt feels more at ease attending work parties when she can hire a babysitter and her husband accompanies her. She also likes it when other attendees invite her into conversations and wishes more outgoing people thought to do that when they see someone who appears reserved.
“Look for the people in the room that might be standing off to the side and approach them,” Pruitt said. “It means so much to them.”
TO GO OR NOT TO GO?
People who are anxious in social settings don’t have to avoid work parties and may benefit by sometimes showing up, Taylor said. Focusing more on the activity and less on your feelings is one coping strategy, she said.
“It’s possible to feel anxious and still do things,” Taylor said. “And actually, once we do that, we tend to walk away from that with a feeling of accomplishment and self-efficacy, and sometimes just feeling proud. I didn’t let the anxiety stop me.”
After receiving an invitation, ask yourself whether it’s important to attend the event or not. If your goal is to talk with one or two specific people, you can go with that intention and give yourself a time limit, MacLeod said.
(Reuters)
對於許多內向者、害羞的人以及有社交焦慮的人來說，參加聚會往往令人精疲力竭，或引發不適的情緒。年節期間，許多公司都會舉辦雞尾酒會、交換禮物及其他形式的慶祝活動。對這大型聚會場合，到底去還是不去？這種內心掙扎，這時節份外凸顯。
「有些人就是拙於參加聚會」，紐約市立大學社會工作教授蘿拉·麥克勞德說。「參加公司的年節聚餐，會給人一種壓力，必須要表現得很開心、興奮——歲末年終，要放假了，我們都感覺很棒。但也許有些人不是那麼興高采烈」。
麥克勞德也指出，參加公司聚會也會讓一些人對職場界線感到不確定，尤其在飲酒的場合，界線會變得模糊不清。她創辦了一家名為「由內而外計畫」（From the Inside Out Project）的顧問公司，專門為管理者提供培訓，學習團隊關係與解決衝突的技巧 。
一些自認害羞或內向的治療師與工作者分享了一些小秘訣，幫助大家更能適應並享受年節活動，無論是與同事、家人或朋友的聚會。
穿著舒適
麥克勞德說，要讓自己感到自在，首先要從穿著打扮入手。了解該場合的服裝規範，選擇符合規定而又舒適的服裝。「如果你不喜歡穿五、六英寸高的高跟鞋，那就別穿，即便這是節慶派對」，她說。「如果你想穿平底鞋，就穿平底鞋」。
早點到，盡量待在人群中間
內向和害羞的人可能會覺得人少的場合比較能夠應付得來，而派對的表訂開始時間，通常是人最少的時候。雖然你可能會因為緊張而待在邊緣，但這樣也可能會讓你覺得更不自在。專家建議盡量待在會場中央，因為那裡人多，更容易參與對話。
如果你感到焦慮或不知所措，那待一下子就好了。你可以說：「我只是想過來祝大家佳節愉快……我今晚還有些家務要處理，所以就快速過來一下」。麥克勞德說，「速戰速決」。
事先準備談話要點
事先想好你喜歡談論的話題可以幫助緩解焦慮。德州大學休士頓健康科學中心的心理學家安德莉亞．泰勒建議，另一種很好的互動方式是提出開放式問題，例如問同事假期安排了什麼有趣的活動。也可以問別人工作之餘喜歡做什麼。
一直有話可聊並不需要絞盡腦汁。
「記住，你的回答並不需要完美」，她說。恰當的回答可以像這樣：「我沒做過，但這聽起來很有意思」。或說「哇，高空彈跳，你真厲害！但我不是這種咖」，泰勒補充。
她建議避開可能引發歧見的話題，保持輕鬆愉快的氣氛。
麥克勞德建議，若遇到高層主管，可以言簡意賅地說：「這場聚會太棒了！非常感謝您舉辦這活動，做了這一切。這真是美好的一年，祝您和家人佳節愉快！」然後轉移陣地。
別為尷尬的沉默而煩惱
泰勒說，害羞或有社交焦慮的人有時會害怕無話可說。但若話題聊到後來就結束了，也沒關係。「沉默會讓人感到不自在，但這並不表示打破沉默是你的責任」，她說。
如果泰勒在和同事聊天時遇到這種情況，她有時會主動承認這突然的沉默，說：「這有點尷尬，因為我們太習慣聊工作上的事了，對吧？」
泰勒說，如果你和某人聊天時，對方看起來心不在焉，不要以為他們覺得你令人生厭。
「原因可能很簡單，比如說他們已經忙了一整天而覺得累，或因脫水而頭痛，或是在後悔來之前沒換鞋，又或者正好錯過了孩子的演出」，她說。「我告誡大家不要妄自揣測別人的想法，因為我們真的很會誤解別人的心思，而且常常會往壞的方向想」。
尋找盟友或攜伴參加
卡拉·普魯伊特是工程公司ENFRA的業務開發專員，她說，過去五年她在鹽湖城的家中遠距辦公，導致她參加實體活動時，社交焦慮加劇。44歲的普魯伊特說，她參加公司活動時，會尋找其他有孩子的女性或同樣愛寵物的人。
「我可以整天聊我的狗」，她說。
若能請個保姆在家帶小孩，好讓丈夫陪她一起來，她參加公司聚會時會感覺更自在。她也喜歡其他與會者主動邀請她加入對話，並希望外向的人若看到有人顯得內向，也能多多邀請他們加入談話。
「留意那些站在一旁的人，主動和他們搭訕」，普魯伊特說。「這對他們來說意義非凡」。
去還是不去？
泰勒說，在社交場合感到焦慮的人不需迴避公司聚會，有時出席反而可能有所助益。她說，一種因應策略是更專注於活動本身，而不是自己的感受。
「即便感到焦慮，你還是可以做事情」，泰勒說。「其實，一旦我們出席了，往往會帶著成就感和自我效能感離開，有時還會感到自豪。我沒有因焦慮而裹足不前」。
收到邀請後，問問自己參加這活動的重要性如何。麥克勞德說，若你的目標是和一兩個人交談，你可以帶著這個目的去，並給自己設定一個時間限制。（台北時報林俐凱編譯）
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