Tue, Feb 18, 2020 page14

• Five ways to strengthen your relationship 別想改變對方：鞏固感情五秘訣

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  ■ Be appreciative, daily

  Sarah Calvert, a relationship therapist in London, says: “Starting from a place of appreciation is always of benefit, and can help solve more difficult conversations. It’s easy to focus on what is lacking, so I invite people to think about what they appreciate about the other person on a daily basis. Find one thing each day and tell them.” This could be anything from something they do, or a quality that they have to the way they are looking. “Actively seeking out things to appreciate helps them feel valued,” says Calvert, and when your partner better understands what you appreciate about them, they’ll probably start doing those things a bit more.

  ■ Don’t try to change your partner

  

  A jar of love candies. 有愛心圖案的糖果。

  Photo: Pixabay
  照片：Pixabay

  “This is the person you have chosen, and they are who they are. You can’t change somebody else,” says Dee Holmes, a senior practice consultant for Relate. This can even come down to not sweating the small stuff. “We all do things that irritate our partners,” says Holmes. “Does this really need addressing or should you accept that’s just what they do?” Respect and celebrate each other’s individuality. While couple time is important, says Holmes, “you’ve got to allow someone that space to still see their friends and do their own things.” After all, if you stopped them from pursuing their interests and doing all those things that makes them them, she warns, “they’re not going to be the person you got together with.”

  ■ Avoid assumptions

  “It can be quite easy to not say the obvious things, because you assume the other person knows,” says Holmes. It can be just as easy to erroneously assume you understand them. If your partner says they don’t want to go out tonight after all, says Holmes, you might feel cheated by their backtracking, without considering what caused their change of heart. Perhaps something is troubling them. Try some active listening, suggests Calvert. “Make an effort to be fully present, and really learn what is going on for that person, rather than just hearing the words.”

  

  Two people hold hands in a stock photograph. 兩人握著手享用咖啡。

  Photo: Pixabay
  照片：Pixabay

  ■ Brush up on your communication skills

  This starts with being in touch with your own feelings, says Calvert. “Otherwise, you won’t be able to say what you need and what you want. Good communication fosters emotional intimacy, which can lead to greater feelings of fulfillment, understanding, trust and safety.” She suggests being more mindful of the language and the tone you use. “Often people say things [to their partner] that sound really harsh, not in a way in which they would address anyone else,” she says. When responding defensively, they often don’t even say what they really mean. She suggests asking yourself: “If you were listening to this conversation, how would it make you feel?”

  ■ Discover what makes your partner feel loved

  

  A ring placed on an open book casts a heart-shaped shadow. 一枚戒指在打開的書本上呈現心形倒影。

  Photo: Pixabay
  照片：Pixabay

  “Some people feel loved through their partner’s actions, anything from bringing a cup of tea for them in bed to upgrading their technology,” says Calvert. Some need affirming words, to be told that they’re loved. For others, physical contact is more significant: intimacy, sex, holding hands. Maybe it’s quality time, with your full attention, or perhaps gifts hold greater meaning for your partner.

  (The Guardian)

  ■ 每天存著欣賞與感謝的心

  

  Two people hook fingers in a stock photograph. 兩人勾著手。

  Photo: Pixabay
  照片：Pixabay

  在倫敦執業的人際關係治療師莎拉‧考芙特說：「用欣賞的角度來看待事物總是有好處的，這也可以讓棘手的事比較好溝通。我們比較容易去注意所缺乏的東西，因此我鼓勵大家每天都想想自己欣賞伴侶的地方。每天找到一個優點來告訴對方」，例如對方所做的某件事、其某種特質，或看起來的樣子。考芙特說：「積極尋找值得欣賞的事物可以使伴侶覺得受到重視」，況且若伴侶知道怎麼做會讓你讚賞，說不定就會比較常這樣做。

  ■ 別想去改變對方

  「這人是你選擇的，對方就是這樣的人。你無法去改變他人」，英國慈善機構Relate的資深執業顧問狄‧洪姆斯說。這甚至可歸結為不去挑剔小事。「我們都會做一些惹毛伴侶的事」，洪姆斯說，「有必要去改變它嗎？還是應該要接受這就是對方會做的事？」我們應尊重並讚賞彼此的個體性。雖然跟伴侶待在一起很重要，但「必須留一些空間，讓對方還是可以跟朋友見面、可以做自己的事」，洪姆斯說。畢竟，如果你不讓伴侶做他/她感興趣的事、做那些讓他/她自在的事，她警告說：「對方就不會是當初你想要在一起的那個人」。

  ■ 別假設你懂我的心

  洪姆斯說：「有些事你覺得很明顯，所以很容易覺得不必說出來，因為你假設對方明白」。自認了解對方——你犯這個錯也同樣容易。洪姆斯說，如果另一半變卦說今晚不想出門了，你便可能因伴侶的退縮而覺得被耍了，而不去細想是什麼原因讓另一半改變心意。或許對方正為某些事心煩。考芙特建議試試「積極聆聽」，「要試著去專心傾聽，真正了解對方發生什麼狀況，而不是只有聽聽表面的字句」。

  ■ 加強溝通技巧

  考芙特說，這要從了解自己的感受做起，「不然的話，你沒辦法說出來你需要的是什麼、想要的是什麼。良好的溝通可以培養情感上的親密感，從而帶來更大的成就感、體諒、信任與安全感」。她建議我們對所用的語言和語氣要小心一點：「我們常〔對伴侶〕說出聽起來很殘酷的話，但我們對別人就不會這樣說話」。為了自我防衛常是刀子嘴口不擇言，即便內心其實是豆腐心。她建議大家捫心自問：「如果你聽見這段對話，你會有什麼感覺」？

  ■ 發掘讓伴侶覺得被愛的方法

  考芙特說：「有些人覺得是伴侶的行動讓他們感到被愛，這可以是把一杯茶端上床給你，或幫你升級科技設備」。有些人需要確定的話語才能感到被愛，要伴侶開口說愛你才行。有些人覺得身體的接觸更重要：親暱、性愛、牽手。對你的伴侶來說，也許是你心思都在對方身上的精心時刻，或是禮物才比較有意義。

  (台北時報林俐凱編譯)

  Follow Up

  讀後練習

  Questions

  1. What tips are given in this article to improve a relationship?

  2. Could these tips also be used to improve your relationships with friends and family?

  3. We often say harsh things to the people who love us the most. Why do you think that is? What could be done to avoid it, according to the article?

  4. According to the article, what are the benefits of showing regular appreciation to your partner?

  (Lin Lee-kai, Taipei Times)

  For your information

  TODAY’S WORDS
  今日單字

  1. appreciative adj. 表示讚賞；感謝的 (biao3 shi4 zan4 shang3; gan3 xie4 de5) 2. relationship n. 人際關係；感情 (ren2 ji4 guan1 xi4; gan3 qing2) 3. irritate v. 使惱怒 (shi2 nao3 nu4) 4. individuality n. 個體性 (ge4 ti3 xing4) 5. emotional intimacy phr. 情感親密 (qing2 gan3 qin1 mi4) 6. fulfillment n. 成就感 (cheng2 jiu4 gan3) 7. defensively adv. 防衛地 (fang2 wei4 de5) 8. quality time phr. 精心時刻 (jing1 xin1 shi2 ke4)
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