Subtlety doesn’t exist in the world of infidelity dating site Ashley Madison, from its no-holds-barred tagline (“Life is short. Have an affair.”) to its tongue-in-cheek ads (affairs guaranteed even if you look like Kim Jong-un).
Yet, with all extramarital affairs, it’s all fun until you get caught. The Web site’s home page features a photo of a woman (wearing a wedding ring) with a finger to her lips, suggesting anonymity and discretion. A quick search on the site yields very few profile photos that show the user’s entire face.
This notion of secrecy is why it was such a big deal when news broke last month that hackers had obtained personal information on the site’s 38.4 million members and threatened to make the data public if the site didn’t shut down.
Photo: AP
Up to that point, Ashley Madison users had been quietly increasing in Taiwan since the site’s Asia launch in late 2013.
Besides the predictable response that it would corrupt social values and destroy traditional marriage, in addition to concerns about the risk of Internet dating in general, the site didn’t garner much news before the hack — save for an Apple Daily report in Feb. 2014 claiming that many women on the site are actually prostitutes — which probably holds true for any dating or hookup site.
Ashley Madison says it has 677,282 users in Taiwan as of June 15, despite only employing digital banner and popup advertising. Prior to the hack, the company hired a public relations firm to launch a targeted marketing campaign, hoping to capitalize on, in their words, a “huge demand for adultery” in Asia judging from the success of the site in the region.
LOCALIZED DATA
Paul Keable, Ashley Madison’s spokesman, told the Taipei Times via e-mail that their new marketing strategy in Taiwan is to provide localized data on adultery to “shine a light on the true nature of infidelity” and “uncover who it is that is cheating and why.”
So what fits the profile of a Taiwanese Ashley Madison user? Most of them are married — 84 percent female users and 80 percent males. The highest percentage of males are between 40 and 49 years old (36 percent) while 40 percent of female users are between 30 and 39.
As for why they joined the site, 65.1 percent of males cited lack of sex as opposed to 39.3 percent for females. While only 7.2 percent of males cited lack of intimacy, it was a factor for 24.8 percent of females.
Ashley Madison also found that Taiwanese males have a higher propensity than females of searching for partners overseas and conducting the affair while traveling. Data shows that Taiwanese males prefer Japan (24.5 percent) followed by the US and Hong Kong, while females prefer the US (21.9 percent) followed by South Korea and China.
As for local trysts, the W Hotel Taiwan is the most popular rendezvous spot at 32 percent, followed by Shangri-La Taipei and Old England.
GENDER DIFFERENCES
Even after repeated requests, Ashley Madison did not respond to the question regarding the ratio of Taiwanese male and female users on the Web site. But judging from the fact that women can message people for free while men have to pay to send and even receive messages, the site is looking to boost female usage.
Founder Noel Biderman has told BusinessWeek and other media outlets that he was confident that men would be drawn to such a site, so he decided to target women, for whom cheating is becoming more common because they have less to lose in today’s society of relative gender equality.
The Web site’s name tells it all with two popular female first names, which actually appeals to both males and females (sorry guys, something like Jacob Steven just wouldn’t work).
So does this strategy work in Taiwanese society, which champions Confucian ideals but has a high divorce rate?
Lai Ya-wen (賴雅文), deputy director at Youhuo Psychiatric Clinic (悠活精神科診所), says that while Taiwanese women now enjoy workplace equality, they often still play the traditional wife role at home.
“Taiwanese marriage is strange,” she says. “The wife has to take care of not just the husband and the home but also the husband’s relations with his extended family. When women get married here, they lose part of themselves … It’s less likely that the husband would give up a hobby or hanging out with his friends because he got married. The woman wants to be loved, respected and seen as significant, but she has become so-and-so’s wife and so-and-so’s daughter-in-law. Where did her sense of self go?”
Lai added that women also have more societal pressure to be a good spouse, and are often under the eye of the in-laws or even neighbors.
But that doesn’t mean they’ll turn to adultery right away.
“Not a lot of (Taiwanese) women would go online with an existing goal of having an affair,” Lai says. “She might go on there because she can’t find an outlet to express her frustrations. Then she happens to find someone who she connects with, then decides it’s harmless to meet up in person… and then it turns into something more. Men, on the other hand, may simply want to see what’s out there and see if they might get lucky.”
Since it’s relatively easy to pay for sexual services in Asia, Ashley Madison is obviously not just about doing the deed.
“A transactional sexual infidelity is not what our members are looking for,” Keable says. “They want to find someone in the same situation as they are, as there is a far better understanding of each other’s situation and far less of a risk of being caught.”
“It’s more than sex,” Lai says. “There are other emotions in play here — of being desired, of feeling you’re still attractive, things you’re not getting at home.”
SAVING MARRIAGES?
Ashley Madison claims that rather than endangering a relationship, affairs can save marriages that are on the rocks, with 67 percent of users affirming that their “love life at home improved after an affair.”
“Why ruin a marriage with a long history and possibly family ties just because needs aren’t being met in one area?” Keable says.
However, all of this is based on the premise of what Keable calls “undiscovered cheating,” or the premise that the cheater never gets caught — something that Ashley Madison prides itself on facilitating.
Lai says that the Internet doesn’t just provide a forum for married people to meet and arrange to have extramarital sex. Someone could simply just feel they are stuck or unhappy with their role in the marriage, so they flirt with strangers on the Internet to regain a sense of self-worth and to feel charming and desirable once again.
As long as a line isn’t crossed, Lai says a certain degree of online flirting doesn’t necessarily hurt the marriage. Even if someone is caught using the site, it could be a good opportunity to talk about the marriage, understand each other and perhaps turn things around.
“If there’s someone online a woman can talk to, she might not be frustrated toward her husband or marriage situation,” she says. “She just needs an outlet for their emotions. Taiwanese women are still often educated to have a certain sense of morality and virtue, and often will stop there.”
Lai doesn’t believe that the traditionally-minded Taiwanese woman can have an affair and not have it affect the marriage.
“It’s hard to keep it a secret,” she says. “There’s also the guilt — she might feel terrible about it and feel conflicted inside. Men, on the other hand, often cannot resist temptation. Some men may not plan on cheating at first, but then it happens and he doesn’t get caught — then he’ll start feeling that it’s not that risky after all.”
But there’s also a difference here: Lai says that because of societal pressure, after a man cheats he may go back to his wife, and even if the wife finds out, she may take him back — though her sense of trust would be compromised. Men, she says, are less likely to take their wife back because of pride issues.
So, if you don’t want to risk cheating but your marriage is on the rocks, what do you do?
“I feel the biggest problem in a marriage is that the couple doesn’t know what each other really wants,” Lai says. “You keep giving your spouse something you think he or she wants. Both people need to find something they like to do, and not focus all their efforts on the routines of everyday married life. You need to keep the attraction fresh.”
Yet Lai says that a happy marriage doesn’t mean no affairs.
“Ultimately it’s about your personality,” she says. “Some people are just more aggressive and adventurous. Some may fear that there would be dire consequences if they cheat, with others thinking they can handle it.”
Lai adds that if you catch your spouse on a dating site, stay calm, and see how far it has gone. “Try to understand why they joined the site,” she says. “You can’t stop them anyway.”
RAMIFICATIONS
Ashley Madison created quite a stir in South Korea when it launched there, and the government initially shut it down because adultery was illegal there. In Feb. 2014, a court struck down the law.
Taiwan is one of the few countries in the world where adultery is still illegal, but there has been no motion to ban Ashley Madison.
Lai says that in Taiwan it’s hard to find proof of adultery — even if you hire a private eye — unless you actually catch your spouse in the act. So the law isn’t often acted upon.
“We simply provide a platform for like-minded adults to pursue discreet affairs — affairs that would be happening with or without Ashley Madison,” Keable says. “Adultery does not occur on the Web site itself.”
Keable adds that other “platforms” include e-mails, text messages and hotels where the affairs may take place.
“Since none of these organizations have faced legal issues related to adultery in Taiwan, we believe our legal standing is well grounded.”
As far as effects on society, Lai says that it’s unlikely that Ashley Madison would cause more people in Taiwan to cheat.
“It just provides a convenience,” she said. “It doesn’t mean it will increase the number of cheaters,” Keable says.
And, as Ashley Madison claims, “There is not one place on Earth where we can point to where affairs do not occur; even in countries where adultery is punishable by death or imprisonment there are people who are willing to risk their lives and freedom to be unfaithful.”
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