Just how bad can things get for President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁)?
Here's a man who's reviled as "scum" by Beijing, snubbed by Washington, pilloried daily by the bewigged muckraker Chiu Yi (
Even Chen's own party members are starting to wish he would slink away into a crevasse somewhere -- for a very, very long time. And though polling in Taiwan is notoriously unreliable, you know things are bad when your approval ratings and your country's GDP growth rate start to become indistinguishable.
Hualien, we have a problem.
But never fear: Amid swirling scandals and plummeting support, El Presidente has moved to stem the bloodletting by ... giving up all powers not bestowed on him by the Constitution.
Huh? That's right, the president has officially given up all powers he never officially had in the first place.
Why does this not exactly seem like the boldest of moves?
The blandness of Chen's act was nicely captured in the Voice of America headline: "Taiwan's President Hands Over Some Powers." An exasperated Reuters report said: "But Chen also said he would retain powers vested in him by the Constitution. What that meant was not immediately clear, as the Constitution does not spell out those powers."
Obviously, Chen needs to go a little further for the damage control to work. So I've taken the liberty of drafting a statement for him: "In light of my cratering public support and the near-complete lack of public confidence in my administration, I am handing over all my major powers to Premier Su Tseng-chang (蘇貞昌) for the duration of my presidential term. Beginning today, my sole duties will be to water the plants in the Presidential Office, preside over the daily presidential viewing of CSI and improve my ocarina-playing skills. Any members of my family found with Sogo vouchers or frequenting a Japanese restaurant will be shot on sight."
As if things weren't bad enough for Chen, even Seattle Times columnist Tom Plate had to pile on last week, ripping into Chen for apologizing too much during his term. Wrote Plate: "For if good government means never having to say you're sorry, the Chen administration is one of the sorrier governments around." Ouch. Then he twists the knife a bit more: "One thing is for sure: Many people in Taiwan would prefer that he stop apologizing and start governing. They are sick of the apology spectacle, embarrassed by it all, and waiting for the day two years from now when Chen and his crowd are out of office."
Plate wasn't the only big nose sticking it to Chen. To listen to the Financial Times' Guy de
Jonquieres, Taiwan -- in part because of the evil Chen and his "bumbling micromanagement" -- is in danger of rivaling East Timor as Asia's worst economic basket case.
"Its once vibrant manufacturing base has imploded as thousands of factories and managers have decamped to China. That has left Taiwan increasingly dependent on low-wage service industries," de Jonquieres wrote.
Hmm. Declining manufacturing base, a massive shift toward lower-paying service jobs -- sounds like the same situation as in ... oh yeah, the world's No. 1 economy, the US -- or for that matter, any advanced economy in which services dominate. Never mind that Taiwan saw 3.78 percent unemployment in April -- the lowest in more than five years -- provides quality universal healthcare and was rated No. 5 globally in the World Economic Forum's latest Global Competitiveness Report. Nah, none of that matters to de Jonquieres: Taiwan is clearly going down the commode, and Chen's got his paws on the flusher.
But the biggest news of the week had nothing to do with our sorry president and the sorry job he's doing. Rather, it was Taiwan's first known case of "veto by mastication" -- all thanks to the lightning-quick reflexes of Democratic Progressive Party Legislator Wang Shu-hui (王淑慧). When the pan-blue camp tried to submit its proposal for a vote on opening up direct transport links, a quick-thinking Wang ran over, snatched the paper away and stuffed it in her mouth. Despite having her hair pulled viciously and being jostled by pan-blue lawmakers, Wang valiantly kept the paper in her mouth, chewed it up like a tasty Dragon Boat Day zongzi and then spat it out -- foiling any chance of the issue being put to a vote. After all, who wants to sign on to a law that's been covered in drool?
Naturally, this brilliant political tactic was perfect fodder for headline writers across the globe: "MP's behavior hard to stomach," screamed the Sydney Morning Herald. "Lawmaker chews on legislation," squawked CNN. "Taiwanese MP finds travel proposal isn't to her taste," said the South African Star. And so on.
Not the kind of behavior that's going to burnish Taiwan's reputation abroad, some may whine. But I say, where has Wang been all these years? Imagine what she could have done to China's vile "Anti-Secession" Law had her mandibles been deployed at the right time. She also could have snacked on the noxious memorandum in which the cowardly WHO agreed to give Beijing the right to review and approve Taiwan's requests to participate in the world health body's activities. And is it too late for her to chew up the Shanghai Communique, in which the US sold out Taiwan to the Chicoms?
Anyway, now that Wang's set a precedent, we may want to reconsider basic legislative procedures. Since the nation's lawmakers appear to be better at eating laws than passing them, why not just turn it into a contest? Let's stack 'em up in front of the best eaters from each caucus and see who has the strongest stomach for half-baked legislation. If necessary, we can import Japanese speed-eaters like that skinny Kobayashi kid to keep things interesting.
And if you don't like that idea, I'll eat this newspaper.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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