Here’s one sample; its veracity cannot be independently verified by NewsWatch.
July 7, 2009
Golden Horse: Tough times u r having there in Xinjiang, huh? :-(
Chuckles: Yep — how can we keep cracking down in Tibet when we’ve got our hands full w these Uighurs? lol :)
Golden Horse: I can relate — we’ve got all these students here that call themselves the “wild strawberries.”
Chuckles: So?
Golden Horse: They camped out in the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall for months.
Chuckles: And?
Golden Horse: It was a real drag. :-(
Chuckles: So how many did you have to kill? ^o^
Golden Horse: Kill?
Chuckles: Yeah, how many d’yu off?
Golden Horse: No, no you don’t get it —
Chuckles: What?
Golden Horse: We can’t just go around shooting people here.
Chuckles: ?
Golden Horse: It’s a “democracy,” remember?
Golden Horse: At least, it is until our plan comes to fruition. :-)
Chuckles: Oh, right. Whatever.
Chuckles: K, gotta run.
Golden Horse: K.
Chuckles: 88.
Golden Horse: 881.
Sadly, the international media — unaware of this secret communication — played up the recent telegram swap as if it were actually news.
Here’s The Associated Press (AP): “It was the latest sign in rapidly improving relations between the once bitter enemies.”
When are these guys going to move on to a new storyline?
I’m waiting for the day when AP runs the following: “Ma Ying-jeou rolled out of bed this morning, farted and failed to be the slightest bit worried about China — in the latest sign of warming relations between the once bitter foes.”
In other news, Bloomberg ran an interview with Ma that should have been titled, “The best is yet to come.” Wrote the biz wire: “Taiwanese President Ma Ying-jeou says he’s only getting started in opening new economic links with China, after doing more than any of his predecessors to improve relations since the two sides split in 1949.”
That’s right, dear reader. If you like the thousands of spitting, chain-smoking Chinese tourists flooding our island, you’ll love what Ma’s got planned next.
We’re going to get so close economically to China that soon you won’t know where our FDI ends and their GDP begins.
We’ll be so swollen with Chinese investment we won’t be able to see our own Johnsons.
And you’ll be able to pick up a crappy electronics product at the Guanghua Market and see “Made in Chaiwan” stamped on the bottom.
As a term, “Chaiwan” is pretty asinine — I covered that in an earlier column — but I guess it’s not as bad as the alternative, “Taiwina” (rhymes with “vagina”?).
Cue TV spot produced by international PR agency:
Foreign Businessman No. 1: “Hey — your Taiwan is in my China.”
Foreign Businessman No. 2: “No, your China’s in my Taiwan.”
Foreign Businessman No. 1: (surprised) “Hey, not bad.”
Foreign Businessman No. 2: (smiling) “I’ll say — delicious.”
Ricardo Montalban-esque voiceover: “Taiwan and China — two great tastes that taste great together.”
Now that Ma has consolidated party and government power in his hot little hands, and with the Chinese state-run press setting playdates for him and Hu, can anything stop the mad race toward full economic union?
Stay tuned.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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