Sat, Aug 08, 2009 - Page 8 News List

JOHNNY NEIHU'S NEWS WATCH: Chuckles, I’m Golden Horse LMIRL

By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖

So our own Ma “Tour de Taiwan” Ying-jeou (馬環台英九) has found a new pen pal.

I’m referring, of course, to the recent report that Chicom-in-Chief Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) sent a congratulatory telegram to the M-dog after the latter’s thrashing win in the election for Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) chairman.

Ma then wrote a telegram in response, thanking Hu for the note.

It was the dog days of late July, which translates as “news hole” in journalese. So the English-language media went bonkers with it.

Said Bloomberg: “China’s Hu congratulates Taiwan’s Ma on party post.” Screamed the Straits Times: “Ma, Hu swap messages.” Burbled the Central News Agency: “Taiwan, China presidents exchange direct messages.”

Soon the media were breathlessly hyping up a Ma-Hu summit, despite Ma clearly saying that this was about as likely as a reunion tour by The Jackson 5.

Turns out the Ma-Hu summit chatter originated — surprise, surprise — in China’s state-run media and its ink-stained proxies. In other words, more wishful thinking by the Chicoms.

“Stars align for a Hu-Ma meet,” gushed a commentary in Asia Times, penned by one Jian Junbo (簡軍波), identified at the end as “assistant professor of the Institute of International Studies at Fudan University, Shanghai, China.”

Intoned the China Daily: “Ma’s campaign was in the spotlight since it may result in a historic meeting between him and … Hu in their capacities as heads of the two ruling parties. ... Li Jiaquan (李家泉), a senior researcher with the Institute of Taiwan Studies at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, said he thinks a meeting between Hu and Ma might materialize after 2012 if Ma wins a second term.”

It was hardly the “first” exchange of messages between Hu and Ma, though. NewsWatch’s crack research team has discovered that the two stuffed suits have actually been corresponding in secret for years.

Forbidden pen pals; covert correspondents, virtual “bff’s” — call them what you will. Kept apart by politics, the two found companionship, even became — dare I say it — “soulmates,” and all through the written word.

They employed telegrams, instant messages. And some of their most sensitive missives were spirited across the Taiwan Strait in the talons of a specially trained black-faced spoonbill, set aloft and recovered by the Ministry of Justice’s Investigation Bureau in a bird sanctuary outside Tainan.

What follows are excerpts from their until-now-unrevealed exchanges.

To: Golden Horse [Editor’s note: Ma’s code name]

From: Chuckles [Editor’s note: Hu’s code name]

Telegram, Nov. 12, 2008

So, you finally locked up that worthless [expletive] known as “A-bian” STOP Good on you STOP Is torture allowed there? STOP Hope so STOP

To: Chuckles

From: Golden Horse

Telegram, Nov. 13, 2008

Yeah, it took a while but he’s in the can STOP How’s the anti-hemorrhoid cream I sent working for you? STOP

To: Golden Horse

From: Chuckles

Telegram, Nov. 14, 2008

Working great, thanks a million STOP A million yuan, that is, not worthless US dollars STOP Ha ha ha STOP Told Zebra [Editor’s note: likely code name for former Politburo Standing Committee member Zeng Qinghong, 曾慶紅] about it though, now he’s on me for more of the stuff STOP What a pill STOP Can send five more cases? STOP

The two resorted to black spoonbill-borne message transmission last month after a Taiwanese tween hacked into the Presidential Office’s computer network and downloaded the transcripts of Ma and Hu’s chats on QQ (a popular Instant Messenger software used in China).

This story has been viewed 3658 times.

Comments will be moderated. Keep comments relevant to the article. Remarks containing abusive and obscene language, personal attacks of any kind or promotion will be removed and the user banned. Final decision will be at the discretion of the Taipei Times.

TOP top