At least, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Perhaps due to my advanced girth, I became firmly lodged in the chute about halfway down, unable to slide any further. It was only when Ariel Lingus piled into me from behind and dislodged me that I was able to tumble out the bottom — into a shallow pool of more warm child urine.
The safety measures were lax, to say the least. A bored teenage girl sits at the top of the slide, droning “go” in a barely audible voice when the way is clear (this elaborate system clearly broke down when she waved on Ariel Lingus).
Safety was even less of a concern at the park’s most dramatic ride, a two-person plunge into what looks like a massive (three-story high) skateboard half-pipe.
A stoned-looking “lifeguard” in red shorts packs pairs into beaten-up innertubes, then shoves you off the precipice at the top. He’s supposed to enforce weight limits and such. But I saw one rider attached to an IV drip and two middle-aged fat guys who nearly flew off the far end of the half-pipe into the trees after making it past “quality control.”
Then it was off to the indoor pool area, where you have to stare down a pack of grim-faced obasans for the chance to relax under the pounding water jets.
By the end of the day I was sorely wishing I’d pulled a “China World Games Team” and skipped the whole damn thing.
But water park hi-jinks can’t compare with Taipei’s latest thrill ride: the Neihu MRT line.
Taipei residents are lining up in droves to experience the adrenalin rush from this new offering, where you never know when a key power system will go on the blink and strand you in a sealed train-car with no air-con at high noon in July.
If they wanted to provide some real shits-and-giggles, though, they would have had the MRT carriages plunge into the Keelung River at the end of the ride for a splashy finale.
I’m referring, of course, to the recent snafus on our newest MRT line. According to the Taiwan News: “The cause of the problem was the breakdown of an uninterruptible power supply system at the Chungshan Middle School station, officials said.”
“Uninterruptible” — sounds like Cathy Pacific the morning after one of my Combat Zone booze-fests. But I digress.
The breakdown affected the Neihu and Muzha lines for more than eight hours on Friday last week, forcing hundreds of riders to pry open car doors and shamble down the open tracks to the nearest stations.
But never fear, dear reader — “Bombardier sent an engineer from Pittsburgh in the United States, said Tan Qua-quang (譚國光) , the vice secretary general of the Taipei City Government. The man is an expert in solving problems on MRT control systems, Tan said.”
Ah, the old “get a guy from Pittsburgh to fix it” routine. Well, that should put everyone’s mind at ease.
The unnamed “guy from Pittsburgh” is going to have a lot of pressure in the coming days, and our thoughts are with him.
If he gets too stressed out, he can always hot foot it to a water park.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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