Taxi Driver No. 1: Johnny, I don’t know what you think, but as far as I see it we’re screwed. The economy is stuffed. I drive 13 hours a day just to cover gas, car costs and maybe a few hundred NT dollars for food.
Johnny: Take a right up here, buddy.
Driver: What, at the lights?
Johnny: No, the alley before the lights. We can beat two sets of lights on Renai Road that way.
Driver: You’re the boss. Anyway, my friend, I’m hearing some stories in my cab that would really worry you. People losing jobs, families without essential income, you know, good people that never did anything wrong, saved all their money, put the kids through school, decent people. It’s all fucked up.
Johnny: I thought all the main job losses were in the IT sector.
Driver: Nah, Johnny, it’s all over the damn place. How’s “the lady indoors”?
Johnny: Still waiting for her to come home. She’s been in Taitung for some time now.
Driver: Trying to drum up some business?
Johnny: If only. By the way, I have a tip for your colleagues on how to get more business.
Driver: What’s that?
Johnny: Don’t honk at potential customers as if to say, “Look at me, I’m a taxi cab.”
Taxi Driver No. 2: Where to, pal?
Johnny: I dunno. What’s on offer?
Driver: What?
Johnny: Just kidding. Take me to the Linsen N Road Golden Happy Phoenix Massage Emporium, and make it snappy, I’m up for a good workover.
Driver: I know a better one up on Changchun Road. The girls are younger and cuter and do extras for nothing extra, know what I mean? Nice big titties, no rough lookers. Know what I mean?
Johnny: I’m sure I don’t. Anyway, I’m a regular at Golden Happy Phoenix. They treat me fine ... Say, did you just sideswipe that little girl?
Driver: She’ll live. She wasn’t hot, so who gives a shit?
Johnny: You know, she kind of reminded me of photos of my gal Cathy Pacific when she was a little cherub.
[Driver turns up radio, which has the hourly news bulletin.]
Johnny: Can you turn that down? It’s booming through my head like a high speed rail train in a tunnel. The bass is up too high.
Driver: You need to get some of that ginseng essence in you, it’s good for old-timers like you.
Johnny: Thanks for the suggestion, but I’d prefer it if you just turned the damn radio down. [Pause] It doesn’t help when it’s all about bullshit legislators bullshitting everyone about bullshit.
Driver: You think you’re better than them, eh?
Johnny: Well ... yes. But maybe not as rich. Certainly much better looking.
Driver: We’re here. That’s NT$210.
Johnny: That should be NT$190. I got in the cab before 11pm.
Driver: Well why don’t you just pay NT$190, then, you old fart. I’ll treat you the difference.
Johnny: You know, assholes like you should remember not to be such obvious assholes when you let someone out in front of his favorite massage parlor. This isn’t the 1990s and I know your cab company. You don’t have 50 friends waiting to back you up with baseball bats. But that guy at the door is a friend of mine and he has one or two friends behind that tastefully opaque window who will make you learn how to be professional and courteous. “Know what I mean?”
Driver: Why don’t you go and do your mother!
Johnny: Well, Mama Neihu was pretty cute in her day. Not that cute, though. Now piss off and go find yourself some nice big titties before I have your damn cab torched.
Taxi Driver No. 3: [Heavy Hoklo accent] So what do you think of Ma Ying-jeou [馬英九], then?
Johnny: I dunno. [Looks around for evidence of driver’s political affiliation, fails and sighs] He could be doing better.
Driver: I think he’s terrible. I was just telling my laopo last night that she should never have voted for him, that she was taken in by all of his nice clothes and nice-sounding words and that he hasn’t got a clue.
Johnny: Well, there’s probably more to the government’s problems than just President Ma ...
Driver: ... and then I said, who’s this prissy little momma’s boy and how did he get to be so big, eh? I’ll tell you, it’s because of those KMT China ass kissers, that’s why. They tread on us Taiwanese and take our money and now they’re going to sell us out. Just you watch them do it.
Johnny: I don’t mean to be argumentative, but President Ma was elected with a convincing majority in a free and fair election.
Driver: Brainwashing! It was brainwashing. It’s all those political talkshows and people get addicted to them and they have no idea what they’re thinking.
Johnny: Do you watch political talkshows?
Driver: Yeah, the ones where they know what they’re talking about.
Johnny: I must have missed those. Anyway, what do you make of the fact that much more than half of the KMT party machine can’t stand Ma Ying-jeou?
Driver: Uh ...
Johnny: Or the fact that more than half of Ma’s support came from us benshengren? I mean, we can’t all have been brainwashed.
Driver: That’s because most of those guys got bribed to vote for the KMT.
Johnny: Maybe. Either way, my friend, you’re not giving me any reason to feel confident about the future. Why don’t we just dispense with politics and you just turn on your mobile karaoke installation there and we sing a song instead, eh?
Driver: Any preferences?
Johnny: Something ... tragic.
Taxi Driver No. 4: You been following A-bian’s [陳水扁] detention?
Johnny: As little as possible. I might be a journalist, but I’m not suicidally depressed and I don’t care for hourly updates on a person sitting on his ass in a cell writing his next book.
Driver: You know that he’s guilty, right?
Johnny: Not exactly, no.
Driver: Course he is.
Johnny: If you say so.
Driver: He’s the worst thing that happened to this country. People were at each other’s throats. Ethnic hatred, yeah, all that. And speaking of suicide, did you know that the suicide rate hit a record high under A-bian?
Johnny: No. Did you do some research to establish this?
Driver: I’m too busy working to do that. But there was a report that said so.
Johnny: Uh huh. I notice on your license here that your surname is Chang [章]. Do you feel offended as a member of the Chang clan that [KMT Legislator] John Chiang [蔣孝嚴] took on his father’s name to trade on the Chiang family’s heritage?
Driver: Of course not. Both family names have glorious reputations in this country.
Johnny: Could you pull over? I think I need to purge my stomach for a few minutes.
Taxi Driver No. 5: Hello, where are we going today?
Johnny: Home to Neihu, please.
Driver: Certainly. Busy night?
Johnny: Oh, you know, the usual. Drinking too much, stopping friends from getting into fights, getting punched trying to pay the check, throwing up in the pot plants outside the bar.
Driver: Sounds like fun.
Johnny: If you’ll excuse me for sounding a little frisky, you must be one of the two or three lady taxi drivers who ply our good streets of an evening.
Driver: I think it’s more than that, but no, there aren’t many of us.
Johnny: My dear, it’s an honor and a pleasure to be in your vehicle. Does your husband ... I assume you’re married?
Driver: Yes. Nearly 20 years.
Johnny: Does your husband work at night?
Driver: No, he sleeps. He does the day shift in the cab and I do nights.
Johnny: I’ve heard about couples like you. This must have an effect on your, uh, “relationship” ... I hope you’ll forgive me, laobanniang, I’m a little drunk. A lot drunk, actually.
Driver: No need to be so courteous. I’m used to it. Anyway, two of our three kids were probably conceived in the back seat of a cab. So it’s not inappropriate.
Johnny: I never thought a cab could make you so horny.
Driver: There are limits. You always ask yourself: “Can I pull one off before the meter goes up?”
Johnny: You know, I have to say, after hearing you say that, I’ve never been more proud to be Taiwanese.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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