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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Twenty questions to shake Taiwan

I can't hide my disgust at not being invited to the presidential debate. Not as a member of the audience, but as a learned asker of questions.

I'm one of Taiwan's most "embedded" journalists, but I never got a look-in. Was it because I don't go around kissing the butts of the media cartel that "sponsored" the event? Because I only wear a suit and a tie to weddings and funerals? Or because I would commit the cardinal sin of asking a challenging question?

On Sunday, we were treated to an insomniac-hostile procession of queries to the two candidates. We did get some audience participation, but even so I was catatonic on the sofa. By the second set of timed responses I was just about paralyzed, and when the green card bullshit started up ... well, let's say no more about that.

So, in case I don't get a look-in at the next and final debate, here are some questions from old Johnny. No matter who wins, odds are that a year or two into the next term, people are going to start wishing they had asked some of these suckers.

First up, Mr Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九, can I call you "Mark"? Or maybe "Marky Mark Ma"?). Please limit your responses to two minutes:

1. Why isn't being Taiwanese good enough?

None of the enquiries really cut to the chase on this issue -- maybe everybody was just too polite. Either way, you tell me, Marky. What the hell does China have that can augment what people already relate to in their own country? You've never made it very clear. Dare I say that your silence on this issue is fundamental to your credibility?

2. Given that the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT), like its communist Siamese twin, has lost all semblance of a coherent vision for a unified China, where are you going to find a new one?

I hear that Costco is selling visions wholesale. You'll find them near the foldable plastic chairs and the imported choc-chip cookies. A steal!

3. How much longer do you think it will be before the Americans realize what you really think about them?

You know, for a while there I thought you were doing pretty well on ethnic issues. But then your behavior at the Aboriginal settlement near Sindian (新店) hit the newsstands. Admit it, Marky: Deep, deep down there's a whiff of those Qing-era theories of racial and cultural superiority. Do the names Kang Youwei (康有為) and Liang Qichao (梁啟超) ring a bell? Yeah, their theories: Hook noses and dark skin are at the bottom of the scale, and White people and their political systems rank much higher -- but still below Children of the Dragon.

4. If you miss out on the presidency, will you consider a tilt for Hong Kong chief executive?

All you need is a Cantonese phrasebook, my friend. If you can learn just a little more than Chris Patten, you'll be sitting pretty on the Peak. And anyway, they need a new shuaige now that Edison Chen (陳冠希) has sworn off acting, singing, sex, photography and everything else resembling human behavior.

5. Is Japanese culture really that repulsive?

And by extension, what about the Japanese cultural residue in older Taiwanese, particularly those who speak Japanese and have Japanese family? Is it that repulsive?

6. If Singaporeans are such shit hot nation-builders, shouldn't we be trying to unify with them instead of China?

Face the implications of your Singapore worship, Marky Mark: Lee Kwan Yew would cream his Minister Mentor's jeans if he could exhume his Theory of Asian Values by bringing Taiwan closer to that island kingdom.

7. Shouldn't you be trying to butch up to match your campaign posters?

Marky, you really need some elocution lessons. Every time you open your mouth and pretend to be a badass, I think: "You need to practice in front of the mirror at least one less time." And brandishing a limp veterinarian's fist at weekend rallies just won't cut it for a president. Not our president, anyway.

8. Who washes your running shorts?

Really, I'd like to know. It will give us a taste of your labor policies to follow.

9. Do you ever wake up late at night wondering how you could spend your professional life walking with liars, slanderers, thieves, murderers, hypocrites, traitors-in-waiting, extremists, whitewashers, bullies, criminal legislators, sell-outs, gangsters, bigots, vote-buyers, degenerates, litigious conspiracy theorists, paranoiacs, Chicom go-betweens, unification tragics, inept party elders, Central Standing Committee harridans, all-round scumbags and Chiu Yi (邱毅)? Or do you wake up because you forgot to brush your teeth?

Maybe that's a bit long-winded. Let me offer an alternative question: Can we not judge presidential candidates -- even polite and charming ones -- by the filthy company they keep? Or this: Where the hell do you hide your conscience?

Finally, and most important:

10. My mutt Punkspleen thinks your pooch is pretty hot. Do you think they can meet up?

Because you know those of us Taiwanese with varied ancestry can really get the job done.

Phew. I think pretty much all we need to know about a Ma presidency is contained in the clenched-teeth responses to those 10 questions. Now we move to Mr Frank Hsieh Chang-ting (謝長廷, can I call you Frankie?). Please limit your responses to two minutes:

1. Will you pick up the tab for my most recent all-night drinking session at the Lucky Golden Happy Phoenix Bar and Cabaret in unfashionable Ankeng (安坑)? If not, why not, you cheap bastard?

Which is to say, I can't remember the last time you joined real people indulging in real recreational activity. So how can you be a man of the people? At least Marky Mark Ma will run beside the stinking masses on marathon day.

2. Why run for president if you can't be bothered to mount a campaign?

Or didn't you know that campaigns are useful for winning elections?

3. Who in your campaign team is responsible for stupid comments like "No wonder so many people want to commit suicide, because it is not easy to please everyone," or do you write your own material?

If you're going to annoy and embarrass people with your witticisms, then you could do worse than hire me as your speechwriter. At least I hit the target some of the time.

4. Any chance your wife can take my gal Cathy Pacific on a cruise around some cumulonimbuses with her helium-friendly cult friends (gratis, naturally)?

Cathy's starting to get a bit nostalgic for her trolley dolly days. When I told her your wife's people had mastered human vertical shear, she got very excited.

5. If you accused me of having a US green card, and I responded by saying that you once had a drunken threesome with Faina Chiang (蔣方良) and Soong Mayling (宋美齡) in the shower room at the Long Island Retirement Mansion for Unrepentant Widows of Dictators, would you sue me?

When I was a young whippersnapper at Neihu Elementary School, if you said something that was meant to be really nasty about someone, and they said something back, and you started whining and blubbing and saying that you were being picked on and ran to teacher, you know what we would do? We would beat you up. Get my drift?

6. Was Kaohsiung a fluke?

No further comment.

7. An obnoxious Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) elder walks into your office, spits on your desk and insults you to your face. Do you (a) Kick him in the nads? (b) Insult him straight back, then kick him in the nads? (c) Insult him straight back, threaten his family, then kick him in the nads, or (d) Refer the matter to an extraordinary meeting of the DPP disciplinary panel if he doesn't apologize within three months and send a gay floral arrangement to your secretary?

In answering this, remember there is no lower limit on the cost of the bouquet.

8. Met any important people lately?

Say, for example, when you were in Japan recently. I'm waiting ...

9. Met anybody lately?

Uh, on second thought, perhaps you shouldn't answer this one, either.

10. What's your next career move after you get your ass whipped on March 22?

Because the true believers are gonna be livid when they discover that the Great Green Hope never came out of his corner.

And that's that. I'm telling you, if they dared allow even one of these questions each to be put to the candidates, we would learn far more about their ability to be president than a million tedious queries on "ethnic harmony," "economic development" and the "cross-strait status quo."

What the presidential debate really showed was that media hacks and assorted academics are happy to let these men use their resources to keep the masks fixed tight and the rhetoric impregnable. That's what "media freedom" in Taiwan is all about: the freedom to be suffocatingly predictable. And that's just the way these would-be presidents want it.

Pity about the rest of us. So I say: Gentleman, a pox on both your family shrines.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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