Sat, Dec 23, 2006 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: There's joints, and there's joints

  Hypocritical media moralizers go to town over TV entertainers who partake in wacky backy and politicians who get relief at night spots. But none of this compares with the new Taipei mayor giving Emile “No Disclaimer” Sheng a senior post in his government. Snort.

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  We might be in East Asia and not North America, but a wave of Puritanism is sweeping the land -- and I, for one, am wondering where it will all end. The media witch hunt is currently going after sex and drugs, which means rock 'n' roll can't be far behind. Wu Bai (伍佰) and Chthonic, consider yourselves warned.

  Before you know it, our overlords of morality in the media will campaign against dancing -- though as anyone who has witnessed foreign businessmen jiggling their beer guts on the bar at Carnegie's can tell you, a crackdown might be a blessing.

  It all started with tearful apologies from celebrities Chu Chung-heng (屈中恆) and Tuo Tsung-kang (庹宗康), who admitted to using pot and then trying to cover it up.

  Now, it seems like every day another minor celebrity appears on some talkshow to blubber a confession about their drug-addled binges and bow deeply to the cameras. Apparently everyone in the entertainment industry is popping ketamine, smoking doobies, snorting cocaine or Hoovering hash -- and setting a baaaad example for the nation's tots.

  Chu told cable television station CTI that he decided to tell the truth "so that I could face my daughter and family ... and not live under a shadow for the rest of my life."

  Earth to Chu: You smoked a joint. You didn't burn down an elementary school with kiddies trapped inside.

  Then the Apple Daily upped the ante in this festival of nice-versus-vice with a report on three DPP politicians and a presidential aide who were photographed leaving a Taipei zhaodaisuo (招待所, guesthouse) with a rather seedy reputation. At least five lamei (辣妹, spicy girls) were present, and the aide, Kuo Wen-pin (郭文彬), was caught on film ushering a young lassie into his car.

  That set off a firestorm of righteous indignation. But even better, it gave TV stations and newspapers an excuse to run a saliva-caked expose on "guesthouse culture" or "a day in the life of a lamei," complete with close-up video footage (albeit strategically pixilated) and provocative photos. It must have been a good week for ratings and circulation.

  At least the DPP politicos came up with creative excuses -- unlike the dissolute TV celebrities, not one of whom managed so much as a "but I didn't inhale."

  First prize goes to DPP Legislator Yu Jan-daw (余政道), who said he was at the guesthouse to watch HBO (it must have been showing Sex, Lies and Videotape). Another gave a more convoluted explanation, saying he was interviewing the girls at the guesthouse because they had inside information on scandals involving the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT). Just doing "oppo research," as they say in the US. What admirable party loyalty.

  Clearly, part of the outrage is that guesthouses are part of a male-only world of backroom schmoozing -- where plentiful booze and sexy escorts are used to soften up a client or politician and seal a business deal or "cooperation."

  But why the exclusive attention on weak-willed men? After all, it's not like Taiwan doesn't have similar entertainment for women -- they're called niulangdian (牛郎店, gigolo joints). My gal Cathy Pacific insists she's never set foot in one, but I wouldn't bet on her passing a polygraph. Self-styled "high society" maven Hsu Chun-mei (許純美) picked up one of her boyfriends at just such a place -- and there's no telling which other female celebrities and politicos might frequent such hunk-heavy haunts.

  I eagerly await the day when Next magazine publishes photos of someone like true-blue talking head Sisy Chen (陳文茜) staggering out of a niulangdian at 4am with a young male escort in tow sporting died yellow hair and an unbuttoned-to-the-navel shirt.

  And for the sake of ideological equality, what about tailing DPP Legislator Hsiao Bi-khim (蕭美琴) and her fellow Charlie's Angels to see what they get up to for late-night fun? (Knowing Hsiao though, debating international relations theory over decaf lattes is probably as exciting as it gets.)

  At any rate, there's a habit far more dangerous to one's health and reputation than late-night gallivanting or recreational drug use: running for office with the KMT.

  Let this be a lesson to the nation's youngsters. Take up this insidious habit, and you could end up like Legislative Speaker Wang Jin-pyng (王金平), slurping Ding Tai Fong xiao longbao with honorary KMT this-or-that Lien Chan (連戰).

  Wang suffered that misfortune last week after Lien's plans for a four-man gabfest, which was to include fellow pan-blue diva James Soong (宋楚瑜), were snubbed by KMT Chairman-in-theory Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九). Maybe Ma didn't like the menu options. I think he prefers beef noodle soup.

  And even that pales with another fate: coming down with the debilitating H5NSheng virus. As I said last week, this alarming disease initially took the form of a highly quotable, foreign media-friendly political analyst known as Emile Sheng (盛治仁). Then it mutated into a spokesman for the street campaign to oust the president, before spreading to TV studios, where it unexpectedly emerged -- accompanied by a soundtrack of hackneyed classical music -- as a bloviating sidekick on Sisy Chen's talkshow, Sisy's World News.

  Now, Taiwanese scientists' worst fears have been confirmed: The virus is capable of media-to-government transmission. Sheng has been named chairman of the research, development and evaluation commission in the office of incoming Taipei mayor Hau Lung-bin (郝龍斌).

  And it may not end there: if the KMT comes to power in 2008 and global health officials fail to take preventive action, this pestilence could even spread to the Presidential Office.

  With threats such as this menacing the nation, why is everyone so upset about a little weed and womanizing?

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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