Some of the jargon tripping you up? You’re not alone. But unfortunately, nobody is prepared to break ranks and admit it. And so, you find yourself locked into using jargon because it would be too embarrassing to ask what zero-sum negotiations really means at this stage. If everyone else in the meeting is talking about being “in the loop” you’re hardly going to interrupt and say: “Hey, I think you mean those who use the same impenetrable jargon, and see themselves as cutting-edge.” We just let our managers carry on speaking to each other in advanced Klingon and hope they don’t notice us doodling.
This may possibly leave you, the jargon intolerant person, in a state of some fear and loathing. In which case you may just need to develop a better sense of humor. Hearing others earnestly talking about “the big picture” and “proactive, not reactive” should ideally lead to a serious fit of the giggles. You could even invent your own jargon and watch the MBAers making straight for their BlackBerries.
Alternatively, you could work in an environment where corporate jargon has yet to spoil the working day. Sand sweeping in Timbuktu anyone?
Malcolm Burgess is the author of 500 Reasons Why I Hate the Office, published by Icon Books.
The corporate bullshit detector
Added value: Producing a product or service, then realizing you need to find extra uses to make it sound more attractive. Results range from touting Haagen-Dazs as a sex aid to claiming your company is a professional organization.
Emotional leakage: Used to be called crying.
Job-depth: Check the size of your job description. If it only runs to a single page then think "flexible work force."
Know where all the bodies are buried: Oh, dear, should you report this?
Leave it up to the man on the coalface: Probably a woman, but a mere detail.
Let's put that in the lift and see which floor it stops at: Yours
Macro-management: The big stuff -- don't expect to know anything about this. No one else does.
New customer-acquisition strategy: So many meetings, consultancies, financial partners. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to give the product away?
Organisational excellence: It's nice of us to say it about ourselves, don't you think?
Outcomes: What the public sector has instead of profits - but people see even less of them.
Push the envelope: As far away from you as possible.
Putting rocks on the runway: That's not very sensible, is it?
Quality time: The time you spend outside your job, worrying about it.
Run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it: Only if carried by a pole dancer, knowing your department.
Shareholder value: Caring way of saying "maximum profits, please" without sounding too sordid.
Shelf life: Don't start getting worried, dear, you're the Sunny Delight of office life. You'll go on for ever.
Sweating your assets: We thought that's what our air-conditioning system was doing already.
Work through others: The boss knows we are mighty suspicious of the "delegation" word. He could try this one, though; it may take us some time to work out that it means the same thing.
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