Johnny goes viral
Dear Johnny,
Just a quick note to say that we (my family and I) depend on your columns to keep us informed about what’s really happening in Taiwan. Thanks!
MICHAEL R. JACQUES
Johnny replies: At a time when some of the most momentous economic and political decisions in Taiwan’s history are being made behind our backs, the print and broadcast media alike seem to think that what Chinese Natinalist Party (KMT) Legislator Wu Yu-sheng (吳育昇) does with his errant member, who with and with what disappointing results (despite mirrors on the ceiling) deserve to capture the public imagination.
Excuse me, say I, but where is the news in a noxious KMT hardliner sowing his seed in a love motel with a woman other than his wife?
In the interest of public hygiene, this man’s butterfly escapades should not be covered in too much detail; the alternative is trying to walk down Zhongxiao E Road without treading in puddles of puke.
How easily distracted we are from the main game. Thus, Michael my fine fellow, I am thinking of starting a Web site called “The Inessential Essential Johnny Neihu” or “Countdown to the Great Taiwanese Migration to the US” or “Taiwan: My Part in its Downfall” — just so that honorable readers such as you and your family can cut through the crap and get to the good stuff.
These things cost time and money, so I am hoping to find some investors who play a supportive role in the health of Taiwan’s services sector. I’m already in negotiations with the good people at A-fei and A-ling’s Pole Dancing Karaoke Spectacular Ltd (Slogan: “Weddings, children’s parties, housewarmings, funerals, campaign launches: You bring the goal, we bring the pole”).
Of course, as a person of advancing years but no less packed schedule, I’m not remotely interested in operating the site on a daily basis. Instead, I’m thinking of turning it into a kind of interactive multiplayer multimedia real-time shareware Netizen patriotic sabotage and mobilization unit with free upgrades and more apps and downloads than you can shake a stick at and where shit-stained underwear is hung out for all to see and you can nominate your “dossier-deserving identity of the month.”
At the end of the month, the dossier is yours — for a fee.
I’m thinking of headhunting journalists who work for the cable TV stations to provide online commentary and analysis. I’m not fazed by the fact that most of them look barely old enough to vote ... and are incapable of analysis. After all, when you’re with the right people, the talent shines through the dark. Oh, and I’ll be able to pay them in lunch boxes, because that’s more than they earn shrieking at celebrities and lecturing suspects in police custody.
Also look out for www.YouNeihu.com, where readers can submit videos containing at least five minutes of the foulest abuse directed at the Chinese president (sample: “You only ever got it up when you killed Tibetans, you peroxide assclown”). Desecration of panda merchandise is optional.
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