Sat, Sep 19, 2009 page8

• JOHNNY NEIHU'S NEWS WATCH: Crime, punishment … panda robots

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  The stench of Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) hypocrisy is overpowering these days — much like the stinky tofu blast that assaults one’s olfactory system during a stroll through the Shida (師大) night market.

  When it comes to KMT criticism of former president Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁), the party has a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black.

  Don’t get me wrong. It’s pretty clear by now that Chen and his missus had their paws in the cookie jar to some degree. Scratch that — they had their mitts, footsies, heads and shoulders crammed in the damn jar.

  Still, the KMT’s A-bian hatred has gone to a ridiculous extreme.

  First, they mooted a law that would strip former heads of state of their stipends and other benefits if found guilty of corruption in a first trial. Never mind that there’s already a law on the books to do just that after due process has expired.

  Nah, that’s just a formality, the KMT says. Strip him of his rights — now.

  Then, the party said it was time to “decriminalize” personal use of the special funds of officials. For those who remember as far back as 2006, this was precisely the crime that sparked the whole anti-Chen “Red Shirt”movement.

  Maybe this has something to do with the 200 local officials — many KMTers — who are now under investigation for use of said funds. Ya think?

  Look next for the KMT to follow Aceh’s lead and propose death by stoning — but only for former presidents who wear pomelo rinds on their head and are found guilty of corruption.

  As for former first lady Wu Shu-jen (吳淑珍), let’s amend the law to allow for public caning — just like they were going to do in Malaysia for that model who sucked down a brewskie. But the law has to be restricted to former first ladies who have been found guilty of corruption. And who use wheelchairs.

  There’s a fundamentalist zeal about the way the KMT is going after A-bian and his family. It wouldn’t be so sickening were it not for that party’s long record of bumbling misrule and its institutionalization of official graft — petty or otherwise.

  Anyone with a shred of history under his belt would agree that most of the KMT’s “rule” is properly viewed as one massive organized crime racket, with party and government officials from the lowly township all the way to the metropole sucking on the teat of the state to their heart’s delight — usually at the expense of us hard-working benshengren.

  Now they want to get all judgmental and moralistic when one of those benshengren rises up and follows their lead? (“Ya learned too good, kid. Now get back in your place.”)

  But don’t take it from me. Just look at this excerpt from the court ruling (my translation):

  Judgment in the case of Chen Shui-bian (hereafter “The Evil One”) and Wu Shu-jen (hereafter “That Beeatch”)

  Taipei District Court, Three Judge Panel, Justice Tsai Shou-hsun [蔡守訓] presiding

  “Hear ye, hear ye, in the case of The Evil One, this Court, mindful of its duties as Guardian of the Laws of the Land, renders the following judgments, in situ, e pluribus unum and in dolce et decorum est.

  “On the charge of embezzlement of funds from the state affairs fund, we, the aforesaid Court, find The Evil One guilty of embezzlement, the punishment being life in prison. We, the Court, also recommend waterboarding and the pulling of fingernails with pliers, but as said punishments remain unlisted in the Punitive Techniques appendix to the Criminal Code, the Court at this time refrains from mandating said punishments until said Code is amended.”

  And look at all the other punishments they piled on:

  • Corruption (life sentence, plus NT$200 million fine)

  • Accepting bribes (20 years in prison)

  • Money laundering (8 years)

  • Dressing as Superman in public (36 years)

  • Bad pronunciation of Guoyu (17 years)

  • Becoming president (22 years)

  • Failing to demonstrate proper respect for glorious leader Chiang Kai-shek (蔣介石) at regular intervals (34 years, plus 1,000 hours of community service)

  • Being annoying (88 years)

  Still, for the local media, A-bian’s plight is old news. We’ve moved on to the question of whether new Premier Wu Den-yih (吳敦義) went to Hong Kong to get the Chicoms’ blessing on his new post via an intermediary — Hong Kong stooge (read: chief executive-in-waiting) Leung Chun-ying (梁振英).

  There’s been a lot of fuss about this in recent days, so I’m delighted that NewsWatch had the foresight to dispatch a researcher to shadow Wu on his trip.

  Here’s what Wu really got up to in Hong Kong, according to our crack researcher’s notes:

  Sept. 5

  1pm: Whisked immediately from airport to Victoria Peak tram station.

  1:30pm: Marveled at how waxworks at Madame Tussauds look more lifelike than honorary KMT formaldehyde chamber Lien Chan (連戰).

  1:41pm: Got bent out of shape when Mrs Wu spent 10 minutes ogling and posing for photos with wax David Beckham.

  3pm: Nathan Road, Kowloon. Bought fake Rolexes for new Cabinet.

  4pm: Tea at the Peninsula with Leung Chun-ying. Roughly 5 minutes spent talking mudslide prevention. Another 115 minutes spent discussing plans for the “Glorious Greater China Co-Prosperity Sphere” while nibbling at scones with cottled cream.

  9:30pm: Temple Street Night Market. Dined on chicken claw and rice. Browsed through cut-rate used British porn mags. Bought six for the price of five.

  12am: Mrs Wu is left at the hotel; “Boys’ Night Out” with Leung in Wanchai. Wu seen consulting Tagalog phrasebook.

  Sept. 6

  9am: Ocean Park. Bleary-eyed Wu visits panda enclosure, remarks on how similar pandas are to those at Taipei Zoo, gets emotional. Gets in shoving match with unruly mainland tourists after spending more than allotted 3 minutes ogling the bears. Conflict defused by joint sing-a-long of PRC anthem; Wu seen raising triumphant fist during the “Qilai! Qilai!” bit.

  12pm: Blow-out buffet lunch and all-you-can-drink champagne with Leung and buddies at Jumbo Floating Restaurant in Stanley. Presence of more than 45 chain-smoking Chicom party hacks and prosties nearly capsizes boat.

  2:30pm: Wu and wife in ugly public argument at Hong Kong airport duty-free before return flight to Taipei over Mrs Wu’s discovery of text message on Wu’s phone from “Manila Jane.” Cosmetics thrown.

  Forget politics — there’s a far more serious development this week. As if Taiwan’s culture of cute hadn’t gotten out of hand, the news is that some of our top researchers are devoting their time and energy to creating a “panda robot.”

  Here’s Agence France-Presse: “‘The panda robot will be very cute and more attracted to humans. Maybe the panda robot can be made to sing a panda song,’ said Jerry Lin (林其禹), the centre’s 52-year-old director.”

  No, no ... for the love of Matsu, no. It’s already bad enough to have to listen to cutesy kid voices singing TV jingles hawking everything from “Pinky, Pinky, Pinky sanzhong kouwei” to reinforced toilet paper.

  Would someone please shut down this lab before this research gains traction?

  It gets worse: “Lin’s long-term dream is to create a fully-functioning Robot Theatre of Taiwan, with an ensemble of life-like robots able to sing, dance and entertain.

  “Two robotic pioneers, Thomas and Janet, appeared before an audience in Taiwan in December, performing scenes from The Phantom of the Opera, but that was just the beginning, Lin said.”

  All that high-tech skill creating advanced robots, and you wanna make them warble saccharine tunes from an over-exposed, cheesy and witless musical?

  We humans do just fine at producing crap entertainment, thank you very much. Let’s leave the robots for jobs that only they can do — like being an honorary KMT chairman.

  The cute craze has reached epidemic proportions, and at the Neihu household at least, barfbag supplies are running low. And I’m worried, because at this delicate time, Taiwan’s “Hello Kitty” hospital has made it back on the radar, thanks to a couple of bloggers and the “Weird Asia” site.

  But kudos to the site for at least running photos of the “Hello Kitty” assault rifle (though the mouthless cat should be in front of the rifle, not plastered on its side), Hello Kitty douches, Hello Kitty beer and, yes, Hello Kitty vibrators (www.weirdasianews.com/2009/09/14/kitty-funny-weird-horrifying/).

  Speaking of the mouthless wonder, my favorite quote of the week comes from Betelnut T-shirt’s Ma Chunfu (馬君輔), courtesy of this rag’s Features page on Wednesday.

  Ma defends one of his company’s shirts, which depicts Hello Kitty assuming the oral pleasure position before Mickey Mouse, whose pants are pulled down.

  Ma said: “It isn’t meant to be misogynistic. For one thing, Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, so she can’t give blowjobs.”

  Ironclad logic, that.

  Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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