Break out the mango shaved ice. Yes, dear reader, the silly season has finally arrived.
“Silly season” derives from the traditional summer lull in the newspaper business as politicians take their summer break and news begins to dry up. The silliness begins when desperate editors try to fill the void with sensational and ridiculous news stories designed to part readers from their hard-earned cash.
Here in Taiwan, the opposite is true: The nation’s politicians and cable TV channels do their level best to fill our screens and newspapers with pointless and largely ridiculous bullshit day in, day out during the entire year.
Summer is indeed a strange time on these fair shores. Not only do most legislators keep their mouths shut for a couple of months, but also the nation’s poor, downtrodden schoolkids end up attending more classes than they do during semester. That’s when they’re not busy drowning in rivers and streams.
But this summer promises to bring a refreshing change, as we Taiwanese will be able to sit back, relax and watch a bunch of foreigners acting like performing monkeys.
I’m talking about the World Games, of course, which start on Thursday in “the southern port city of Kaohsiung,” to borrow a phrase from our friends over at the Central News Agency.
What exactly are the World Games, I hear you ask? Well, the Games are the poor, socially inept, wayward relative of the Olympics, chained in the cupboard under the stairs and only let out once every four years.
The World Games are basically a dumping ground for sports the Olympics no longer wants or never wanted in the first place. Got a strange sport that nobody has heard of and even less people want to play? Then the World Games is your oyster, so to speak.
So, if you’re at a loose end later this week, and feel like getting some exercise in the 35°C heat while trying your hand at Fistball, Korfball or Tchoukball, get yourself down to Kaohsiung. I hear there are still spots available for Team Taiwan.
The Games are the culmination of a six-year slog since Kaohsiung won the right to host them back in 2003. Usually, China would have done its utmost to block such a deal, but back in 2003, when Chicom officials informed their masters of Kaohsiung’s plan to host the Games, the conversation went something along these lines:
Chicom official: Chairman Hu, the renegade province is bidding to host the World Games in 2009. Do you want us to put a stop to this?
President Hu Jintao (胡錦濤): What did you say, the World what? What is it?
Official: I’m not exactly sure, but I’ve heard they involve billiards, boule, ballroom dancing and parachuting.
Hu: The triumphant proletariat of this mighty nation has yet to master such bourgeois pastimes. Besides, there can’t be any money in it. Let those splittist turtles have these so-called World Games. When they turn into a disaster, they will only come running to the Motherland for solace, furthering the Great Unification Master Plan. Hah, hah, hah!
The Chicoms were right, it seems, because if ticket sales are anything to go by, the Games have about as much marketability as a French kiss from KMT Legislator Chu Feng-chi (朱鳳芝) — after she’s taken the false teeth out.
On July 8, just one week to go before the Games, Deutsche Presse-Agentur was reporting just 25 percent of tickets had been sold. And most of those were for the opening and closing ceremonies — we Taiwanese are suckers for fireworks, you see.
Desperate officials were even reported to be press-ganging schoolkids into attending the Games in exchange for extra marks, which triggered complaints from parents.
What next? Will Kaohsiung Mayor Chen Chu (陳菊) issue a decree banning scooters from the city center on days ending with a “Y” to make sure visitors get a good impression of the city? Or maybe she’ll order betel nut girls to wear full-length smocks and ban ships from the harbor.
Concerned that too many unknown sports could result in empty stadiums and make Taiwan look like a nation of sports-hating KTV couch potatoes (perish the thought), I suggest we modify several of the events to give them a more local flavor. It would certainly help to sell more tickets.
1. Squash
This is all the rage at the moment. Try to cram as many people as you can into a carriage of the newly opened MRT Neihu Line (be sure to include at least two people in wheelchairs) and see if it can travel one stop without breaking down.
2. Fin swimming
Because Kaohsiung is a fishing hub, we should substitute the resin monofins usually used by competitors for real fins freshly sliced off a willing shark. It may turn the pool into a big, bloody mess as they get soggy and clotted, but all officials have to do is wait for the races to finish, heat up the pool, add some crab meat, a few spices, bring it to the boil and serve at the nearest wedding banquet.
3. Sumo
A portly xiaojie and her rotund rival battle it out at the side of a night market yansuji stand while arguing over who gets the last portion of sweet potato wedges.
4. Aerobic gymnastics
Actually, I’m not even sure what this sport involves, but for the Taiwanese version we need a bunch of retired female civil servants, a sprinkling of weight-concerned 30-something office ladies and a battery-operated cassette player in the nearest park at dusk. Jiggle that ass to wholly inappropriate techno for bonus points.
5. Lifesaving
In a tribute to the legions of voluntary weekend lifeguards who like to show off their tanned Taiwan Beer bellies in revealing Baywatch-red speedos, there will be two events.
(a) The 100m lunchbox dash
Competitors sit around in a big group talking to friends and family while paying no attention whatsoever to the swimmers. The starter shouts chifan o! and competitors sprint to the lunchbox before wolfing it down in record speed. The first to finish the food and hurl the container into a designated no litter zone wins.
(b) The dinghy obstacle course
Competitors take their friends for a ride in the club’s dinghy over a 200m course while trying to avoid taking out swimmers.
6. Tug-of-war
To increase genuine audience participation, split everyone into two teams, give them one very, very long rope and shout “Pull!”
But we will have to try not to lose any arms this time around.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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