Sat, Sep 16, 2006 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Tremble in the face of Dork Power

  Against his better judgment, Johnny dons a red shirt (well, bright pink, which is close enough) and plunges into the maelstrom that is the Shih Ming-teh Uncultural Revolution in central Taipei. There are nasty surprises in store, but not Air Supply － yet.

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  I thought the anti-Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) rally led by Shih "Egos `R' Us" Ming-teh (施明德) couldn't stoop any lower. On Tuesday night they shoved onto the Ketagalan Boulevard stage a 12-year-old boy who'd clearly been coached to rouse the crowd with a youthful anti-Chen rant (though not coached quite well enough -- his speech trailed off with a stammer of "Neige, neige, neige ..." before a hovering red-clad harridan snatched the microphone away from him).

  Then it was canines wrapped in red, including the golden retriever I saw plastered with a sign saying "I'm better than A-bian" and trained to carry a red bucket to collect receipts for Chen's much-maligned "secret diplomatic fund."

  But I nearly sprayed my Whisby out of my nose when I turned on the idiot box a couple of nights ago to see a three-year-old girl delivering a squeaky anti-Chen diatribe and giving her hen ke'ai version of the now-ubiquitous thumbs-down sign.

  What's next -- trotting out an ultrasound of a fetus pointing its still-forming thumb downward? Do these people have no shame?

  I'm all for prosecuting the Receipt-Collector-in-Chief after he's finished his term -- if investigators find he's done anything illegal (under a little document called the Constitution, he's immune from criminal charges while in office, unless he commits "rebellion or treason").

  But in my book, falsifying receipts, as his critics allege Chen and his wife have done, pales in comparison to turning guileless children into political puppets. Those responsible for such abuse should be forced to xiatai from their parental duties, and be given a sound thrashing for good measure.

  But at least the rally organizers have stopped blithering about Nazca lines and other kooky ideas (leave it to the Democratic Progressive Party to fight back with giant, malformed white gloves and appeals for "Nazca lines of love"). Now, Shih's mob has moved on to providing us Taiwanese with what we really care about: business opportunities. What with all the T-shirts and other "Depose Chen" paraphernalia, I wouldn't be surprised to see the nation's GDP spike up this month.

  Strike or no strike, who said that Chen wasn't good for the economy?

  One of the most creative moneymaking schemes, if the United Daily News is to be believed, is the Chen Shui-bian voodoo doll, the brainchild of a couple surnamed Lin.

  "We hit upon the idea because we found all the anti-Chen commodities were not cute, so we began to make Chen Shui-bian voodoo dolls with hemp thread," said Lin, according to Deutsche Presse-Agentur's translation. They're reportedly selling like, yes, hotcakes, at NT$180 (US$5.50) a pop.

  Meanwhile, Shih and his gang have trotted out just about every washed-up singer, painfully earnest high school student, drug-addled English teacher and underexposed actor they can find, turning Ketagalan Boulevard into a Woodstock for Wankers.

  But soon, they'll have to cast their eyes abroad for more fodder. Here's a tip: when you see former US child star Gary Coleman and the dinosaurs of pop Air Supply on stage in crimson garb with extended thumbs, you'll know the rally is near its last gasp. Or when you hear the crowd chanting "A-bian xiatai" to the tune of Macarena (I clearly heard a version to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic, so all things are possible).

  Some have tried to compare Shih's campaign to the historic "People Power" movement that ousted Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos in 1986, but if so then it's history repeating itself as farce, in the hackneyed words of the original "Red" (that's Karl Marx, for my younger readers).

  In fact, gazing over the crowd of ridiculous mask-wearers, red ribbon tiers, Nazca-line dreamers, dressed-up dogs, goofy teens skipping school, has-been entertainers, gyrating middle-aged men, balloon-clad "warriors" and toothless geezers holding up placards with incoherent insults in "English," it becomes clear that what we are witnessing is far beyond "People Power." Call it "Dork Power."

  But will Dork Power bring down the president? I wouldn't bet vital organs on it, unless they find evidence that he's killed a baby.

  Why? It comes down to three simple words, the ones that make Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), Legislative Speaker Wang Jin-pyng (王金平), Premier Su Tseng-chang (蘇貞昌) and anyone who cares about the future of Taiwan wake up screaming in a cold sweat in the middle of the night: President Annette Lu (呂秀蓮).

  Endnote: According to the New York Times on Thursday, Beijing and local Chinese officials have been fudging fatalities from Super Typhoon Saomai. I am crestfallen that the hard work of the scientists who invented the death toll "quotients" I outlined last week has been libeled in such a comprehensive manner. Shame, NYT, shame.

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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