Ten excuses for Diane Lee
Dear Johnny,
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or punch out the walls when I read about the histrionics that is the case of former legislator Diane Lee (李慶安). I sometimes feel like doing all three at the same time.
I suppose the best response to such absurdity is humor — and scorn. So, with apologies to David Letterman, I am offering the Top Ten Reasons Why Diane Lee Failed To Share Documentation On Her Case Even Though She Publicly Vowed To Do So.
No. 10: Senior caudillos in the KMT told Lee that she did not have to share or divulge anything. They said: “Diane, we practically control the whole fucking country now — its presidency, its legislature, its judiciary, its industries and most of its media. We’re well on our way to being a one-party state, just like in the old days. And you’re one of us, Diane. So you don’t have to worry about your alleged trifling peccadillos such as fraud and misappropriation of funds. After all, they don’t call us the ‘black gold’ party for nothing. Wink, wink. And if any of those ignorant, betel-nut chewing peasants dare get uppity in the least bit, we’ll throw their asses in stir and beat the hell out of them.”
No. 9: The Boys in Beijing told Lee that she did not have to do anything she did not want to do, that their troops were just itching to carry out another massacre and that their soldiers would “take care” of anything that was left unfinished by the KMT.
No. 8: Former US president George W. Bush told Lee that God told him she would be granted special exemption even if she reneged on her vow. As God says, no one below Him is perfect. God also said that Bush makes Lee seem like a choir girl.
No. 7: Lee’s lawyer told her that she did not have to share any documentation with the public because she was no longer a legislator. This is the single greatest piece of legal counsel ever offered in at least four centuries. This lawyer is manifestly the greatest legal mind living in Taiwan. Move over, Clarence Darrow, Thurgood Marshall and Earl Warren.
No. 6: While visiting Taipei Zoo to view Tuan-tuan and Yuan-yuan, one of those little fuckers stuck their paws into Lee’s purse, snatching away the original and only copy of a letter from the American Institute in Taiwan (AIT) that explained everything. Then they proceeded to eat the letter, depriving Lee of the chance to exonerate herself.
No. 5: Much to her horror and distress, Lee discovered that the letter supposedly sent by the AIT had been faked and that the signature on it was a forgery. After discovering this dastardly deed, Lee claimed that she had “some ideas” as to who could be responsible and promised a thorough investigation.
No. 4: Lee claimed to have been abducted by aliens from the planet Zxanthocan. She claimed that once on board their spacecraft, she was forced to undergo an excessively intimate body search. Upon being brought back to Earth, Lee was admitted to hospital, where she is recovering from the harrowing procedure. The letter disappeared and is presumably still on the alien craft somewhere in the quadrant Thartan.
No. 3: While on banking business somewhere in Switzerland or the Cayman Islands, Lee ran into Bernie Madoff, who told her that the letter in her possession would some day be of great historical value and worth a lot of money. Much to her chagrin, Madoff convinced Lee to give the letter to him as down payment on a “sure fire” and very lucrative investment.
No. 2: That was not really Diane Lee who made the vow in early January. A special unit from CSI Taipei has determined that it was either Lee’s clone or the evil twin, mini-Lee who made the promise. The CSI Taipei team further uncovered the shocking truth that the real Diane Lee had smuggled herself out of Taiwan in a freight container loaded with Chinese tainted milk powder.
No. 1: Lee entered into a mystic trance and altered state of conscious. Once in this mode, she was able to access the Jungian Collective Unconscious where she was able to communicate with two of her fellow Americans — former president George Washington and the character Joe Isuzu from the car commercials of the 1980s. The two gave Lee mutually conflicting advice. George said to Lee: “I could not tell a lie; and neither should you, Diane.” But Joe gave her the opposite advice. He recommended that she become a pathological liar just like him, and that her entire existence should become a shameful web of lies and deceit, like the character Emma in Madame Bovary. The big question is: Just whose advice did she take?
Michael Scanlon
East Hartford, Connecticut
Johnny replies: I take it, Michael, that your dislike of Ms Lee goes beyond her abandoning you at the altar?
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