If I seem a bit low key this column, it’s because my lawyer has warned me that I could soon be charged with “inciting mockery” of President Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) and the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) and with “overthrowing” satirical values.
Yes, dear reader, it’s amazing how quickly the wheels of justice can turn when given a dab or two of that ol’ KMT grease.
I’m referring, of course, to the lightning-quick indictment on Thursday of Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) Tainan City Councilor Wang Ting-yu (王定宇) and six supporters for inciting violence against a visiting Chicom last week. Oh yeah, and “overthrowing” democratic values.
In a dive worthy of an Italian soccer player, the visiting Chicom in question, Zhang Mingqing (張銘清), fell to the ground and was slightly injured amid shoving, jostling and yelling outside Tainan’s Confucius temple by Wang and his deep green posse.
Instead of a red card, prosecutors have recommended a 14-month prison sentence for Wang.
More unbelievably, they recommended a six-month jail sentence for a pathetic 70-year-old Taiwanese patriot who banged on Zhang’s car with her crutch.
Now come on, guys. What’s next? Aggravated assault with a catheter?
And who asked crutch-lady to the protest anyway?
A feeble old woman banging fruitlessly on the Chicoms’ door with her crutch is not exactly the best symbol for Taiwan’s independence movement (apt as it may seem at times).
At any rate, the Confucius Temple kerfuffle was a wake-up call: We sons and daughters of Taiwan are mad as hell, and we’re not going to take shit anymore.
It’s not the cratering stock market, soaring unemployment, bumbling misrule and political tone-deafness of Ma that’s got our undies in a bunch.
And it’s not the substance of the cross-strait deal that’s set to be signed next week. Direct passenger flights, direct cargo flights, direct shipping links — yep, the DPP government wanted all of that, too. In fact, it negotiated most of these with Beijing.
Rather, it’s the speed of the courtship that’s worrying. That, and the obvious favoritism of Beijing, which now sees itself dealing with a friendly party (that’d be the K to the M to the T), not Taiwan’s duly elected government.
Ma has insisted that he just wants cross-strait “friendship with benefits.” But the Chicoms are clearly hearing weddin’ bells. We’re afraid Ma might drink too much kaoliang at dinner and elope.
God knows we have reason to be concerned — witness the infamous “Meiyou la” incident in which an intoxicated, giggling Ma barely made it back to his car after a KMT banquet. Is this the guy we can trust to fend off the Chicoms’ sweaty-palmed advances?
The problem is, once you set a precedent with Beijing, they’ll never let you forget it. Agree to be called “Mr Ma” — not “President Ma” — now, and as far as the Chicoms are concerned, you’ve given up that title in perpetuity.
The best of luck to the next president who tries to win back some “face” from the other side.
And I don’t get these unificationists. I mean, these are the same KMT traditionalists who won’t let Jimmy Waiguoren spend the night with their daughter under the same roof until they’re married — yet they’re willing to whore out the entire country to China.
Sure, most of us supported Ma’s idea of establishing more stable, cordial relations with the Evil Empire across the Strait. The point was that if he did that we could all do more business together and make gobs of money.
But we expected Ma to keep it innocent. Tea parties with the Chicoms, outings for hotpot, tiddlywinks in the park — that sort of thing.
Now he wants to bring another teary-eyed Chicom, Association for Relations Across the Taiwan Strait boss Chen Yunlin (陳雲林), home to meet the whole family — and stay overnight. That’s a bit fast, isn’t it?
On behalf of Third Uncle Lin, Grandpa “Fatty” Lu, “Redface” Farmer Huang from Tainan, pomelo-peeling Auntie Chen and that Second Uncle who knocked up the betel nut girl, I can say that the family is not amused.
Ma is even planning to meet with Chen in person for the diplomatic equivalent of tonsil hockey — in our living room!
Still, in the downgrading of dignity department, Ma’s got nothing on the Taipei City Government. It’s not just willing to sell its soul for a couple of pandas. Now it’s also promoting Taipei to Chicom businessmen as Slut Central.
Didn’t these guys learn their lesson with the “Macking in Taipei” scandal of yore? (“Of mice, macking and rowdy losers,” Feb. 16, page 8)
Apparently not.
A publication called Taiwanese Businessman Weekly, published in China to promote tourism in Taipei, had the following lines: “Girls who go clubbing in Taipei are all dressed in sexy outfits, showing half of their breasts and wearing mini skirts.”
The mag described our capital city’s clubbing girls as “chicks who dress hot and act wild.”
Good one, guys. Why not just call the article “We’ve got poontang”?
As if that weren’t enough, it went on thus: “Cops are often found near KTVs clamping down on those who drink and drive. Many drunks are caught outside KTVs.”
Well, I can attest to that one personally.
But there’s no need to babble on to the Chinese about it.
They wouldn’t be impressed anyway. In China, plainclothes cops prefer to beat drunks to death outside of KTVs.
And girls who only show half their breasts?
Hmph. If you wanna see both halves, go to Macau.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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