Sat, Jan 20, 2007 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: How to avoid being blue-collared

  Silly man. He thought he could steal millions from his own armored car, flee to China and get away with it, when everyone knows you need to steal billions and have connections in the pan-blue camp and in China to avoid the short arm of Taiwan's law.

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  Admit it: We've all done it before. No, I'm not talking about running a red light or kicking your neighbor's noisy dog while you think no one is looking. I'm talking about putting your foot in it.

  I remember once, after a few too many gaoliangs and Whisby chasers at a family wedding just after I met Cathy Pacific, I called her over and whispered in her ear: "Who's that ugly old witch in the disgusting pink dress over there?"

  "That, my dear, is your future sister-in-law," came the reply. Whoops!

  So it should have come as no surprise when the master of ceremonies at Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega's inauguration ceremony introduced a beaming President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) to his fellow dignitaries as the president of "China, Taiwan."

  After all, who but seasoned Asia hands and locals can distinguish between the Republic of China and the People's version just across the water?

  If a "firm ally" using the C-word wasn't embarrassing enough, the Shit-Eating-Grinner-in-Chief then posed for photos with a local newspaper highlighting the gaffe to commemorate the balls-up.

  In its pathetic attempt at damage control, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MOFA) and Chen proceeded to roll out all the usual excuses, like "Foreigners don't understand, they get confused easily," etc, etc. Hole in one, you dunces: The reason they get confused is because you don't do your job properly.

  Mind you, it could have been worse. At least Ortega didn't ask: "Hola, Bianbino. Why didn't you bring your mother-in-law with you this time? Couldn't you fit her wheelchair on the plane?"

  Another thing that might have been hard for foreigners to understand was the kafuffle that took place at the London School of Economics (LSE) last week when Minister of Education Tu Cheng-sheng (杜正勝) delivered a speech on Taiwan's education reforms.

  Students from Commieland tried to disrupt Tu's speech and held up placards reading "Taiwan is part of China" and "No cultural brainwash [sic]."

  The protest eventually degenerated into a shouting match with Taiwanese students also present.

  The red devils who attend LSE, according to MOFA official Chang Chin-sheng (張欽盛), are mostly the privileged offspring of Chicom bigwigs.

  "No cultural brainwash"? With English skills like that, it is pretty obvious how they managed to gain entry into one of the world's premier institutes of higher education. Maybe we should give the students in question a test: Take the words "black, pot, the, kettle, calling" and arrange into a well-known English idiom.

  If they can manage that tough task, then they must be a sure-fire bet to take over the reins when President Hu "can't speak a word of English" Jintao (胡錦濤) eventually steps down.

  Talking of wagers, after last week's judicial goings-on it is hard to believe that, apart from a twice-weekly punt on the lottery, gambling is supposed to be illegal in our good nation. That is, unless you are a tubby, aging TV variety show host with a cheeky smile or an ever-so-cute, waif-like female professional billiards player.

  Yes, Taiwan's one-rule-for-the-rich-and-famous justice system lived up to expectations again last week as inexplicably popular entertainer Hu Gua (胡瓜) and pool starlet Jennifer Chen (陳純甄) escaped a holiday at the nation's expense following their well-publicized gambling infractions.

  Hu was up on charges of cheating fellow mahjong players out of their hard-earned dollars thanks to a network of secret cameras installed in the air conditioning vents of his Taipei penthouse, while Chen was accused of using Internet sites to fritter away around NT$10 million (US$300,000) on Taiwanese baseball. She fled the country when her local "big brother" (大哥) came around to settle the debt.

  Concerns that fame and celebrity are enough to ensure anyone can escape doing time were confirmed when everyone's favorite host Hu was the only one of four defendants in his case to be found innocent on all charges, despite the fact that prosecutors demanded a three-year stretch.

  "There is no evidence to show that Hu Gua was involved in planning this scam or knew about it," court spokesman Liu Shou-sung (劉壽嵩) told The Associated Press.

  Yeah, right! Your luxury pad is turned into an illegal gambling den by your brother and you have no idea. That's about as plausible as actress Hsiao Shu-shen (蕭淑慎) saying she was unaware how marijuana and cocaine got into her bloodstream (Hsiao, my sources tell me, has been offered the lead role in an upcoming movie entitled Snow White and the Eight Dopes).

  Anyway, for once in his career, Hu had the last laugh. But his poor elder brother isn't chuckling after getting 28 months. Bet he wishes he'd followed his didi (第第) into showbiz! I only hope Gua-ge (瓜哥) sends his brother some pretty impressive food parcels while he's inside taking the rap.

  Meanwhile, "Beautiful Babe" Jennifer Chen escaped porridge after her lawyers reached a deal with Taipei County prosecutors.

  In return for avoiding time behind bars, Chen must compose two 100-character articles warning the public of the dangers of gambling -- to be posted on the Web each day for a whole two months. That's 16,000 characters in all.

  I bet her cueing arm is aching at the thought of such severe punishment.

  What's more, she gets weekends off. Not much of a deterrent to other young pool babes thinking of racking up huge debts on illegal gambling Web sites before absconding abroad, now is it?

  Talking of fleeing abroad, if Rebar Asia Pacific Group chairman and white-collar criminal Wang You-theng's (王又曾) flight has taught us anything, it is that the one-rule-for-the-rich justice system doesn't only apply in Taiwan. Wang, who fled to China after apparently embezzling NT$80 billion (US$2.2 billion) at last count, reportedly spent a few days holed up in a luxury Shanghai hotel before leaving for the US.

  Chicom authorities said the lack of an arrest warrant and the fact Wang had legitimate travel papers prevented them from detaining him, even though they knew he was wanted in Taiwan.

  Contrast this with the case of blue-collar worker Lee Han-yang (李漢揚), the driver of an armored truck who stole a measly US$1.7 million on Jan. 2 before fleeing -- yes, you guessed it -- to China.

  Lee was picked up in Kunming just eight days after the robbery by local police and is now awaiting repatriation.

  The moral of the story is: It doesn't matter how much you steal, it's the color of your collar that counts.

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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