Admit it: We've all done it before. No, I'm not talking about running a red light or kicking your neighbor's noisy dog while you think no one is looking. I'm talking about putting your foot in it.
I remember once, after a few too many gaoliangs and Whisby chasers at a family wedding just after I met Cathy Pacific, I called her over and whispered in her ear: "Who's that ugly old witch in the disgusting pink dress over there?"
"That, my dear, is your future sister-in-law," came the reply. Whoops!
So it should have come as no surprise when the master of ceremonies at Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega's inauguration ceremony introduced a beaming President Chen Shui-bian (
After all, who but seasoned Asia hands and locals can distinguish between the Republic of China and the People's version just across the water?
If a "firm ally" using the C-word wasn't embarrassing enough, the Shit-Eating-Grinner-in-Chief then posed for photos with a local newspaper highlighting the gaffe to commemorate the balls-up.
In its pathetic attempt at damage control, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MOFA) and Chen proceeded to roll out all the usual excuses, like "Foreigners don't understand, they get confused easily," etc, etc. Hole in one, you dunces: The reason they get confused is because you don't do your job properly.
Mind you, it could have been worse. At least Ortega didn't ask: "Hola, Bianbino. Why didn't you bring your mother-in-law with you this time? Couldn't you fit her wheelchair on the plane?"
Another thing that might have been hard for foreigners to understand was the kafuffle that took place at the London School of Economics (LSE) last week when Minister of Education Tu Cheng-sheng (杜正勝) delivered a speech on Taiwan's education reforms.
Students from Commieland tried to disrupt Tu's speech and held up placards reading "Taiwan is part of China" and "No cultural brainwash [sic]."
The protest eventually degenerated into a shouting match with Taiwanese students also present.
The red devils who attend LSE, according to MOFA official Chang Chin-sheng (張欽盛), are mostly the privileged offspring of Chicom bigwigs.
"No cultural brainwash"? With English skills like that, it is pretty obvious how they managed to gain entry into one of the world's premier institutes of higher education. Maybe we should give the students in question a test: Take the words "black, pot, the, kettle, calling" and arrange into a well-known English idiom.
If they can manage that tough task, then they must be a sure-fire bet to take over the reins when President Hu "can't speak a word of English" Jintao (胡錦濤) eventually steps down.
Talking of wagers, after last week's judicial goings-on it is hard to believe that, apart from a twice-weekly punt on the lottery, gambling is supposed to be illegal in our good nation. That is, unless you are a tubby, aging TV variety show host with a cheeky smile or an ever-so-cute, waif-like female professional billiards player.
Yes, Taiwan's one-rule-for-the-rich-and-famous justice system lived up to expectations again last week as inexplicably popular entertainer Hu Gua (
Hu was up on charges of cheating fellow mahjong players out of their hard-earned dollars thanks to a network of secret cameras installed in the air conditioning vents of his Taipei penthouse, while Chen was accused of using Internet sites to fritter away around NT$10 million (US$300,000) on Taiwanese baseball. She fled the country when her local "big brother" (
Concerns that fame and celebrity are enough to ensure anyone can escape doing time were confirmed when everyone's favorite host Hu was the only one of four defendants in his case to be found innocent on all charges, despite the fact that prosecutors demanded a three-year stretch.
"There is no evidence to show that Hu Gua was involved in planning this scam or knew about it," court spokesman Liu Shou-sung (
Yeah, right! Your luxury pad is turned into an illegal gambling den by your brother and you have no idea. That's about as plausible as actress Hsiao Shu-shen (蕭淑慎) saying she was unaware how marijuana and cocaine got into her bloodstream (Hsiao, my sources tell me, has been offered the lead role in an upcoming movie entitled Snow White and the Eight Dopes).
Anyway, for once in his career, Hu had the last laugh. But his poor elder brother isn't chuckling after getting 28 months. Bet he wishes he'd followed his didi (第第) into showbiz! I only hope Gua-ge (瓜哥) sends his brother some pretty impressive food parcels while he's inside taking the rap.
Meanwhile, "Beautiful Babe" Jennifer Chen escaped porridge after her lawyers reached a deal with Taipei County prosecutors.
In return for avoiding time behind bars, Chen must compose two 100-character articles warning the public of the dangers of gambling -- to be posted on the Web each day for a whole two months. That's 16,000 characters in all.
I bet her cueing arm is aching at the thought of such severe punishment.
What's more, she gets weekends off. Not much of a deterrent to other young pool babes thinking of racking up huge debts on illegal gambling Web sites before absconding abroad, now is it?
Talking of fleeing abroad, if Rebar Asia Pacific Group chairman and white-collar criminal Wang You-theng's (王又曾) flight has taught us anything, it is that the one-rule-for-the-rich justice system doesn't only apply in Taiwan. Wang, who fled to China after apparently embezzling NT$80 billion (US$2.2 billion) at last count, reportedly spent a few days holed up in a luxury Shanghai hotel before leaving for the US.
Chicom authorities said the lack of an arrest warrant and the fact Wang had legitimate travel papers prevented them from detaining him, even though they knew he was wanted in Taiwan.
Contrast this with the case of blue-collar worker Lee Han-yang (
Lee was picked up in Kunming just eight days after the robbery by local police and is now awaiting repatriation.
The moral of the story is: It doesn't matter how much you steal, it's the color of your collar that counts.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
In their recent op-ed “Trump Should Rein In Taiwan” in Foreign Policy magazine, Christopher Chivvis and Stephen Wertheim argued that the US should pressure President William Lai (賴清德) to “tone it down” to de-escalate tensions in the Taiwan Strait — as if Taiwan’s words are more of a threat to peace than Beijing’s actions. It is an old argument dressed up in new concern: that Washington must rein in Taipei to avoid war. However, this narrative gets it backward. Taiwan is not the problem; China is. Calls for a so-called “grand bargain” with Beijing — where the US pressures Taiwan into concessions
The term “assassin’s mace” originates from Chinese folklore, describing a concealed weapon used by a weaker hero to defeat a stronger adversary with an unexpected strike. In more general military parlance, the concept refers to an asymmetric capability that targets a critical vulnerability of an adversary. China has found its modern equivalent of the assassin’s mace with its high-altitude electromagnetic pulse (HEMP) weapons, which are nuclear warheads detonated at a high altitude, emitting intense electromagnetic radiation capable of disabling and destroying electronics. An assassin’s mace weapon possesses two essential characteristics: strategic surprise and the ability to neutralize a core dependency.
Chinese President and Chinese Communist Party (CCP) Chairman Xi Jinping (習近平) said in a politburo speech late last month that his party must protect the “bottom line” to prevent systemic threats. The tone of his address was grave, revealing deep anxieties about China’s current state of affairs. Essentially, what he worries most about is systemic threats to China’s normal development as a country. The US-China trade war has turned white hot: China’s export orders have plummeted, Chinese firms and enterprises are shutting up shop, and local debt risks are mounting daily, causing China’s economy to flag externally and hemorrhage internally. China’s
During the “426 rally” organized by the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) and the Taiwan People’s Party under the slogan “fight green communism, resist dictatorship,” leaders from the two opposition parties framed it as a battle against an allegedly authoritarian administration led by President William Lai (賴清德). While criticism of the government can be a healthy expression of a vibrant, pluralistic society, and protests are quite common in Taiwan, the discourse of the 426 rally nonetheless betrayed troubling signs of collective amnesia. Specifically, the KMT, which imposed 38 years of martial law in Taiwan from 1949 to 1987, has never fully faced its
RSS