Chum Mey turns cold when he thinks of testifying against his one-time torturers at Cambodia's upcoming Khmer Rouge tribunal.
As one of only seven survivors of the notorious Tuol Sleng torture camp, he knows he is likely to be called as a witness to speak out against the leaders of the 1975-1979 regime that killed up to 2 million Cambodians.
But the 76-year-old said the tribunal, whose judges will be sworn in today, may offer the only chance for Cambodia to learn all the facts about the genocidal regime and to help the still-shattered country heal.
PHOTO: AFP
"It's time, they must not hide anything. I need them to tell the truth. Why did they kill innocent people?" Chum Mey said. "Otherwise, their victims will never be able to let go of the pain they suffered. After the trial, the pain will not go away immediately. But at least it's a starting point to get rid of the pain we bear and to reconcile."
But reconciliation is a difficult goal in a country where up to one-third of the population was killed, starved or worked to death in one of the most hideously effective genocides of the 20th century.
The swearing-in of 17 Cambodian and 13 international judges is a symbolic start to a tribunal that has been delayed by years of wrangling between Cambodia and the UN over its format and funding.
Prosecutors are expected to begin their work just a week later, but trials are not likely to start until next year.
Even if Chum Mey is called to the stand, he is not likely to face the men who actually tortured him in Tuol Sleng, a one-time high school where 17,000 people -- men, women and children -- were interrogated, tortured and then killed.
The tribunal is expected only to bring the few surviving leaders of the Khmer Rouge to the dock.
Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot died in 1998. Only two of the roughly six surviving leaders expected to stand trial are in custody, with the rest living freely in Cambodia.
But most of the killing was done by ordinary Cambodians who followed their leaders' commands in pursuit of building an agrarian utopia -- guided by an ultra-Maoist ideology that, among other things, tried to destroy the family unit and abolished education, religion and currency.
Van Nath, another survivor of Tuol Sleng, said he too was prepared to testify but he was unsure if reconciliation was possible when people who actually performed the killings still walked the streets.
"For me, there is no reconciliation with people we once knew as murderers," he said. "I believe the trial is needed. But as for reconciliation, I believe none of us has the ability to reconcile because of the gravity of what happened."
"What could ease our minds is if the people who committed these crimes stand up to describe publicly about the reasons behind the killings," he said.
Van Nath survived the torture center when his guards discovered his talent for painting. He was then forced to do portraits of Pol Pot until the Khmer Rouge were driven from power by Vietnamese invaders who seized Phnom Penh in January 1979.
He is not convinced the tribunal can bring justice to a country that was turned into a wasteland by a regime that emptied the cities and forced the population onto vast collective farms.
"Right now, I dare not think that the tribunal can bring us justice yet," he said. "If it does, justice will not be found in the court's decision. It will be justice if the people agree with its decisions."
Youk Chhang, director of the Documentation Center of Cambodia which has been compiling evidence of Khmer Rouge atrocities, said reconciliation is a personal matter.
"It has to start from individuals. If many individuals benefit from the trial, then this will also have an effect at a national level," he said.
So far, few of the remaining Khmer Rouge leaders have shown any concern about the trials, much less the issue of national reconciliation.
Most of them lead quiet lives around the former Khmer Rouge stronghold of Pailin in northwestern Cambodia, refusing to give interviews and staying out of the spotlight.
"I never think of the court," said Sor Socheat, the 55-year-old wife of the Khmer Rouge's former head of state Khieu Samphan.
"My husband never thinks of any work that he had done," she said in a telephone interview, saying Khieu Samphan refused to take the call.
"At that time, he had no rights or power. He was only chairman in name but he knew nothing. He never made any decisions," she said.
"It is up to others to form this tribunal," she added.
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