But Gruman cautions against doing an exhaustive search for information to avoid taking the next step, since "you are always going to have less than the optimal amount of information to make a decision."
When a good friend or family member is in trouble, people want - and usually offer - to help. And their help, both physical and emotional, can be very valuable, so take advantage of it.
Some people are also too ready to give advice and to tell about others they know who faced a similar predicament. If this is not what you want to hear, nip it in the bud without offending the person by saying, "Thank you, but each patient is unique, and I'm going by what my doctor tells me."
To get the help you really need, you will have to tell people what you are up against and give those who offer help something to do. Gruman suggests listing the necessary tasks that you may not be able to accomplish on your own, like grocery shopping; picking the children up at school, getting them to play dates or taking them for an outing or sleepover; and making meals. You should also include on your list the possible need for someone to accompany you to doctor appointments, transport you to a treatment center or simply take you out for a restorative lunch or walk in the park.
Try to match the tasks to individuals best able to achieve them. But don't be surprised if some say, "Is there anything I can do to help?" and then fail to follow through. You'll soon discover whom you can count on.
Taking someone with you to doctor appointments can be the most important thing you do. Under stress, memory is unreliable and even hearing can fail you. Gruman lists the characteristics of a person best suited to help at this time. Your partner should be free for at least two hours beyond when the appointment should end (delays are common); go over transportation and destination arrangements a day ahead of time; be willing to play whatever role you consider appropriate, like sitting quietly, taking notes or asking questions; and agree not to discuss the situation with others without your permission.
Of course, you should come to all doctor appointments with a list of all your questions and, if no one else is able to write down what the doctor says, you should tape-record the session so you can listen to it again at home and replay it for others if you choose to.
I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. As Harry, a 78-year-old who accompanied his daughter to all her doctor appointments, put it to Gruman: "Even if there are three of us in the room, we each remember different things that were said - and sometimes the things we remember have different meanings to us" and need to be sorted out or clarified by the doctor.
As Gruman notes, it is difficult to absorb unfamiliar technical information that you may have to weigh as you make decisions. Distress about your diagnosis and what it means for your future can impair your ability to listen and understand. You may find it hard to question, disagree or advocate for your own best interests when you feel your life is in the doctor's hands. And you may tend to dwell on the best-case or worst-case scenario, but having a record of what the doctor really said can provide a more realistic view of what lies ahead.
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