As Emily Colvin, a transgender woman living in the heart of Missouri, watched the US election results pour in on Tuesday night, fear began to grow.
It was time to find a self-defense class, she thought. And maybe to purchase a gun.
With the US emerging from one of the most bitterly divisive presidential races in its history, throngs of Americans find themselves deeply distrustful, and even fearful of the winner, Republican US president-elect Donald Trump.
Few groups have expressed dismay and fear as uniformly as the nation’s transgender people, who already report discrimination, harassment and violence at rates starkly higher than the general population.
On Wednesday, those who spoke to the Guardian saw Trump’s win as destined to hobble their movement after years in which their acceptance grew by leaps and bounds.
They said they feared an immediate cultural reckoning.
Cate Brenner, a transgender woman in Long Island, spoke about being “absolutely terrified” for transgender people and their movement.
By Wednesday morning, it seemed as though every transgender person had gone into mourning.
A friend of Brenner’s in California posted on social media about “going back into the closet.”
“It might be safer passing” as a straight, cisgender person, said the person, who spoke to the Guardian on condition of anonymity.
“I’m scared,” they continued. “I’ve been out and proud for most of my life, with supportive people around me. I’ve never had to deal with this kind of fear before.”
Their partner is also frightened to live openly as a transgender person.
“We’re both scared to continue. We didn’t know before how we wanted to define ourselves, if we even wanted to. Now, we’re scared to even have the conversation,” they said.
“We are all traumatized,” Colvin said. In her online network of transgender friends, “the general reaction that I’m seeing is: ‘Oh my God. How are we going to protect ourselves?’”
Trump’s administration is expected to usher in a sea change after several years in which transgender rights advocates notched critical victories in the culture and government. Between 2008 and this year, the number of Americans saying they knew a transgender person grew from one in 10 to one in three. The administration of US President Barack Obama in its final years took the controversial and unequivocal position that federal anti-discrimination laws applied to the rights of transgender people. There were far-reaching consequences for schools, which were required to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms and locker rooms aligned with their “gender identities,” and for entire industries, such as health insurers.
Those gains, made amid a hail of controversy, now seem at risk.
Trump seldom mentioned transgender issues on the campaign trail, but his running mate, Indiana governor Mike Pence, first emerged on the national stage after signing an expansive anti-LGBT measure into law. And the Republican Party at large has made its near-total opposition to transgender rights clear.
On Wednesday morning, Pence seemed to confirm that the Trump administration would not place penalties on schools that fail to accommodate transgender students, as Obama did.
“Washington has no business intruding on the operation of our local schools,” Pence said, in an interview he gave to radio host James Dobson.
Republicans are also poised to repeal the Affordable Care Act, and with it, an anti-bias measure that prevented many health insurance plans from discriminating against transgender policy holders.
On Wednesday, Mara Keisling, the director of the National Center for Transgender Equality, rejected the notion that Trump’s victory represented a terminal setback for the movement.
“Trans people have spent decades educating their classmates and their families and their coworkers and the people they worship with about who they are,” Keisling said. “The government can maybe take back some of the policy advancements we’ve had, but they can’t take away the dignity we’ve created for ourselves, the freedom we’ve created for ourselves.”
Still, Keisling conceded: “This slows us down, this hurts a lot.”
On Wednesday morning, the center heard from transgender people across the country who said they were scared and angry.
“This has got to be terrifying for many trans people. We’re going to have to be strong in the face of some really terrible stuff,” Keisling said.
Colvin is worried about access to hormone therapy in a world without the Affordable Care Act, known as Obamacare.
A student who was at one time homeless and suicidal, she credits her healthcare, which includes psychiatric therapy, with her survival.
“I’m worried about our ability to change our names,” Colvin said. “I’m worried about laws that protected trans kids.”
Gianni, 18, a transgender man who wished to be identified only by that name, wondered what would happen if healthcare coverage stopped, or insurers stopped covering hormone therapy.
Gianni does not believe there is any way to afford transition treatments out-of-pocket.
He was worried for his safety, too.
“I’m mixed race, and I’m transgender, and I feel like I’m in a big hole right now, and I’m scared,” Gianni said.
As Tuesday night gave way to Wednesday morning, Trans Lifeline, a national hotline for transgender people in crisis, saw its normal call volume triple.
“Trans folks are frightened that they won’t be able to work, or access healthcare, or get travel documents updated,” the hotline’s director and founder Greta Martela said.
Colvin witnessed a trans friend post on Facebook about having suicidal thoughts. The comments section pulsed with supportive messages and her friend sought help.
From Sacramento, Mark Williams tweeted about fear as the father of a transgender child.
“A bully and a bigot is at the helm, with a man who doesn’t believe in LGBTQ rights as his second-in-command,” Williams told the Guardian. “I’m worried that the people who voted them into office will take the fact that they won as an affirmation that they can now discriminate and bully whoever they don’t like.”
Transgender children could face a new crossroads in the coming year. The US Supreme Court last month agreed to hear its first case on whether federal anti-bias law covers transgender individuals. The suit has been brought by a transgender Virginia teenager whose school district has prohibited his use of the boys’ bathroom.
“It’s important to understand that the trans movement has moved faster than I think any movement in American history,” Keisling said.
She recalled an encounter of 15 years ago while lobbying the president of the Pennsylvania senate to include transgender people in a new bill.
He refused.
“He said: ‘Mara, look at the bright side. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have let you into my office.’ That’s not the way it is now and that’s not the way it’s ever going to be again.”
And Brenner felt emboldened by Tuesday’s election. As her friend was weighing whether to go back into the closet, Brenner had already decided to be more public.
“I’ve always been semi-quiet about it, but last night was the wake-up call that that was not an option,” Brenner said. “The lines have been drawn and I don’t want to be on the sidelines.”
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