Sat, Mar 28, 2009 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

The redneck connection

Dear Johnny,

You’ve missed the connection between the American Institute in Taiwan’s (AIT) offer to facilitate our entry into the Creutzfeldt-Jakob community and that guy Kuo Kuan-ying’s (郭冠英) “high-class Mainlander” crap.

You see, while the US was generously funding Chiang Kai-shek’s (蔣介石) regime in China, he and his high-class Mainlanders were diverting said funds into their own pockets. Later on, when they all landed upon us one sunny day, they brought that dough with them.

It is often said these days that Chiang “built” Taiwan by financing its development. All together now: Nope, that clique took more than it put in.

Taiwan was, in fact, built by the hardworking “rednecks” on the back of Most Favored Nation tariffs extended to Taiwan by the ever-generous US.

Now, if I were head of the AIT, given that the high-class Mainlanders are back in power, I too would ask them to buy some problematic beef (not for their own personal consumption, of course. For the rednecks).

“What’s a few hundred mil,” I would argue, “compared with the untold billions we gave you to fight Mao Zedong (毛澤東), most of which you stole anyways? C’mon, your betel nut-chewing redneck stock is resilient and won’t mind a few holes drilled into their brains by playful Texas proteins!

“And, come to think of it, if they don’t get mad cow disease, how will they vote you in next time around?”


Johnny replies: I don’t know why more research isn’t done on the effect of AIT beef promotions on the political economy of my beloved homeland. Maybe it’s because all the funding is being diverted to beef subsidies.

The only question that remains is how long Stephen Young’s successor as AIT director will wait before wandering down to the World Trade Center, cranking up the shit-eating grin and flashing his pearly whites clutching a beautiful slab of T-bone.

But I tell you, if William A. Stanton is appointed director as some are predicting, we might see a considerable delay in beef spruiking. After all, he would have just arrived from South Korea, and we all know what the Koreans think about US beef. I suspect he might need time to recover and start off with plugging something less confrontational — missile systems, for example.

Clueless in Kiwi land

Dear Johnny,

Something has bothered me a bit in the past few months.

As you know, New Zealand is the land of the Great Chicom Offspring. A lot of them come here to learn English (and bring illegal drugs, and hold some of their own for ransom), find jobs and withdraw my tax money.

Now, where I’m from there are a lot of Kiwis that have no clue when it comes to Asian-looking people; they refer to us as the “Chinese.”

A lot of Kiwis here who have Chinese friends, or who teach English at language schools, have been told that Taiwan is an island of terrorists who will attack China with missiles at any time, and this is why Taiwan needs to be contained.

It’s got to the stage where any Kiwi here who has been in touch with a Chicom has been told this. Of course, they don’t ask themselves why a small island would attack a place that contains so much melamine.

Is this what they are teaching over there in China? Brainwashing the young generation to this level?

Of course, I don’t get offended or anything. One search on Wikipedia shows that Taiwan isn’t a terrorist island with missiles and bombs in every household readying to fight our great enemy to the death.

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