Given the much-publicized courtship between Taiwan and the Chicoms that has taken place since the regime of “Regional Administrator” Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) came to power, and the fact that Taiwan has been allowed to come down from the US State Department’s naughty step, one would have thought it safe to meet with top-level US officials without mentioning the “B word.”
Apparently not. The moment American Institute in Taiwan (AIT) Chairman Raymond Burghardt stepped out of Ma’s pleasure palace the other day, he moved into top gear.
First, as if giving the seal of approval to his teenage daughter’s new beau, he chimed: “We are comfortable with what’s happening [in cross-strait relations] and where it seems to be going.”
But then, in just about the same breath, came the dreaded “B word.”
“The positive review from the risk assessment conducted by the Department of Health and other international organizations prove that it is safe for human consumption, but so far the US has not been informed of a timeline when Taiwan will lift its ban on US beef.”
Aaaaarrrrgh! The beef is back!
Translate this diplospeak into a form of English most citizens of Uncle Sam’s country can understand, and what he meant was: “Hell, you can bend over and let Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) and his People’s Liberation Army [PLA] boys ride your sorry asses to Kingdom Come — just so long as you stall him long enough to open your stable doors to US beef.”
What is it with the US and its longing to sell cow meat? I had been hoping that all this beef bullying would come to an end once the Texans were relieved of control of the White House.
It’s getting beyond a joke. It’s coming to the point where a US official can’t talk about Taiwan or to a Taiwanese official without bringing it up.
Picture the scene: White House Press Room, December 2018.
State Department Spokesman: The United States government takes the incursion into Taiwan by Chinese PLA troops via the Beijing-Taipei Railway Line very seriously. [Pauses to take bite out of freshly cooked beefburger] Mmmmm, deeee-licious. See that? That’s 100 percent prime USDA-approved beef. [Puts burger down and wipes mouth with napkin] And following the overwhelming vote in favor of military action by Congress, the US will be dispatching an aircraft carrier battle group to the Taiwan Strait just as soon the administration of Taiwan President Yu Tian (余天) agrees to lift the beef ban.
Why don’t they just change the name of AIT to the Aberdeen Angus Institute in Taiwan and be done with it, for Matsu’s sake?
But back to the Burgy-Ma love in.
While Ray and his bosses may be happy with the horseman of the economic apocalypse, here at home Ma and his government are making the Taiwanese baseball team look like world-beaters. He’s about as popular as a John Tung Foundation speaker at a meeting of the Taipei Cigar Aficionados Club.
Still need convincing? You know something is wrong when the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) loses an election in Miaoli, a region usually as blue as KMT honorary dinosaur Lien Chan’s (連戰) blood.
While we’re on the topic of blood and parasites, our present colonial masters and their attitudes toward their subjects have been the subject of much discussion recently since it was discovered that former United Daily News hack-turned-civil servant Kuo Kuan-ying (郭冠英) has apparently been writing nasty things online about us Taiwanese.
Instead of doing what most civil servants do and spend most of the day twiddling thumbs — moyu (摸魚, “stroking fish”), as it’s known in Mandarin — Kuo is accused of living up to his job title (director of the information division in the Toronto representative office) by disseminating information … on the Internet under the pseudonym of Fan Lan-chin (范蘭欽).
In his “articles,” Kuo referred to Taiwanese as taibazi (台巴子, “Taiwanese rednecks”) and wokou (倭寇, “Jap pirates”), while calling Taiwan a guidao (鬼島, “ghost island” or “island of demons”) and saying the Chicoms should cleanse it with blood.
And to think that Kuo, who looks like former US vice president Dick Cheney’s evil Dragon twin, was taking our tax dollars all the while.
The furor over Kuo’s alleged handiwork has resulted in much discussion of the phrase “high-class Mainlanders” (高級外省人) — used for the elite of Chinese society who escaped to Taiwan with the Peanut clan, and which Kuo apparently called himself.
But I’m a bit bemused by what “high class” means here.
Does he mean “high class” in that it’s OK to live off the tax dollars of people you spend your spare time excoriating? Or “high class” in the respect that it’s OK to defraud people for 14 years while having dual nationality? Or “high class” in that it’s OK to weasel your way into the chairmanship of a high-profile company through family connections even though you’ve got absolutely no relevant experience — and without the slightest bit of shame?
Are these the kind of “high-class people” he’s talking about?
As for Kuo’s insults, I’ll take them as a compliment. I always wanted to be a pirate as a child.
Personally, I can’t see why everyone is so surprised. It’s not like we don’t hear this kind of stuff on a regular basis.
Why, only last week KMT Legislator Lu Chia-chen (盧嘉辰) said that Kaohsiung Mayor Chen Chu’s (陳菊) stroke was karmic retaliation for her decision to tear down a statue of the Peanutissimo.
What’s really surprising is that it appears the plebs who vote for these people really think that Lien and his KMT buddies are at home in the company of their xiangqin (鄉親, “hometown folk”).
Doesn’t the fact that hardly any of these blue bloods speak the lingua franca after spending practically their whole lives here tell you something?
As another example, one only has to think back to the expression on Ma’s face as he handed out red envelopes to the lumbering masses at Ma Village in Miaoli at the Lunar New Year.
It was like, “Beam me up, Scotty.”
For the urban gentry, pressing the flesh with your rustic cousins is like eating your mother-in-law’s food: It’s something you really don’t want to do. But you know you have to, otherwise you’ll be up Dabian Creek without a paddle.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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