Sat, Nov 03, 2007 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: 100% Taiwanese, porn and bred

By Johnny Neihu

Recently I made fun of school-ma'am Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Legislator and caucus whip Kuo Su-chun (郭素春), who warned all us original sinners that teaching schoolchildren about their bodies and puberty would encourage them to "taste the forbidden fruit."

Well, this receptacle of essential sexual knowledge and experience has thrust herself back into the pubic, er, public domain by denouncing the National Miscommunications Commission for allowing a company to screen adult material on regular cable TV.

As I so often say these days, what's the big deal?

Viewers looking to spice up their solo sex life still have to buy or rent a decoder. And when you finally pluck up the courage to suggest to your partner that he/she help pay for the rental, you discover that 95 percent of programming is from Japan, and censored to boot. What's the point of that?

Ah, how times have changed since I roamed the streets of Beitou (北投) all those decades ago, finding action without having to look.

These days everything has to be digital to be arousing.

But I think Japanese porn has a bad effect on Taiwanese men. Why? When young Taiwanese women are in a real-life sexual situation and don't respond as a Japanese porn diva might, the guy can get all confused and insecure.

"Why," he asks himself as he stares dumbly at the pissed-off lady before him, "aren't you lying on the bed like a catatonic tweenie pleading not to be mistreated?" And then: "Why aren't you shrieking and convulsing like a pig that's been gutted by a gravel truck when I lick your eardrum and try to shove this plastic thing down your pants?"

Even worse, when our young man takes his lady friend's underwear off and discovers -- like that scene from The Crying Game -- that instead of a continuously changing pattern of colored squares there is nothing but hair and folds of skin, what is he to do?

Crestfallen, disoriented and sickened, he slumps out of the bedroom and, in his deranged state, commits suicide by attempting cunnilingus on the cable decoder and electrocuting himself.

In other words, porn can cause negative population growth.

I'm not necessarily suggesting that Taiwan start a full-scale porn industry. And anyway, given that porn models generally come from the working class and the lumpenproletariat, a local production would on average feature three Filipinas, two Thais, four betel nut girls and a handful of Aborigines. So much for ethnically correct porn for the masses.

But as a Taiwanese patriot I am obliged to ask about the prevalence of Japanese porn in my beloved country. If you're going to have it on tap, can't we at least have our own languages and sexual mores on display? And anyway, do Taiwanese men aspire to be as ugly, brutal, witless and anonymous as the men in these films? And do Taiwanese women aspire to be as vacuous, submissive and infantilized as these would-be sexual role models?

I don't know about your partner, dear reader, but if I treated my gal Cathy Pacific like some cut-price geisha reject, she'd kick me in the bollocks and cut my pub allowance. Our women may squeal and clap their hands like six-year-olds, but when it comes to sexual politics you'd better get your shit together or you're out the door, sans one testicle.

Even so, there's a lot of sexism here, especially in the workplace. And for this we can hold captains of industry and virtually every male legislator responsible. There's more to equality in the workplace than dobbing in the middle-aged personnel pen-pusher who feels you up in the elevator.

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