Say what you like about the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT), but its name is spot on. As for the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) ... well, it might be next in line for some name rectification.
I'll allow that it's a party, but the "democratic" and "progressive" bits have become problematic of late. Yes, dear reader, the DPP is shoving aside democratic procedures like so many Taipei County lepers in its rush for the 2008 presidency. Critical voices are being squashed, primaries are being scrapped during closed-door meetings of top party brass, and elected posts are being passed around like joints at a Phish concert.
DPP leaders have therefore latched on to the idea of "party unity" like a Shoushan Zoo chimpanzee onto a kiddie's finger. The Party leadership will decide its successors and the future of The Party. Anything causing division in The Party must be eliminated. Only unity will lead The Party to victory in 2008 and Taiwan to a harmonious society. Party unity will prevent hair loss and improve your sexual performance!
OK, my little green friends, take a deep breath. No one is running around creating new factions. And now that your bigwigs are trying to speed up the nomination process by negotiating instead of holding a primary, time isn't a pressing concern. There's no need to get so bent out of shape over pulling together just yet.
The presidential election is a year away, for heaven's sake. Can you even remember what was happening a year ago today? I happen to remember, but only because today is Punkspleen's birthday, and one year ago today he was discovered humping my gal Cathy Pacific's sister's pure bred shitzu behind the earth god temple at the Dadaocheng Wharf during an afternoon barbecue. The scene that followed was memorable, to say the least.
But to prove that a year ago is ancient history for people in the real world, let's check the Taipei Times archives for the headlines of March 17 last year. Hmmm ... "First lady and dog forced to `flee' official residence." Nope, no idea what that was about. "China's arms cause concern, Rice says." I've read that headline so many times that I tune out after "China's arms." "Scholarship students face mandatory Mandarin Test." Yep, must have been a slow news day.
On that day, Chao Chien-ming (趙建銘) was still an upstanding member of the DPP and nobody had the slightest interest in who was cleaning his house.
Ah, what a long, strange trip it's been since then. Worlds apart they seem. So why is the DPP so keen to trash all the rules just to avoid a primary that will be long forgotten amid a mud-slinging litigation extravaganza with the pan-blues come next March?
No matter how nasty the primaries get, I guarantee a KMT Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九)-Chiu Yi (邱毅) ticket will squeeze the DPP together tighter than breast implants at a yoga class. That's right, while backing accusations from former Miss China Liao Hsien-ling (廖先聆) that Chiu groped her in a restaurant bathroom, Chiu's bizarro DPP foil Wang Shih-chien (王世堅) claimed Chiu told Liao that Ma offered him the vice presidency. We can dream, can't we?
Frankly, I could do with a little more biting and scratching among the DPP candidates. The announcements of presidential bids by the "four heavenly kings" caused about as much excitement and suspense as waiting to see how many Spartans died at the end of 300. And now the DPP is trying to kill our primary fun with KMT-style secret talks.
If we're not going to vote, let's just give the abuabuei (divination blocks) a throw and be done with it.
But the DPP's election aversion is just the tip of the democratic regressive iceberg. Vice President Annette Lu (呂秀蓮) brandished her credentials by demanding apologies from international media organizations, which was one-upped when DPP legislators Tsai Chi-fang (蔡啟芳) and Hou Shui-sheng (侯水盛) demanded that the offending The Associated Press reporter be deported.
Now, I don't expect Tsai and Hou to understand the finer points of English punctuation. But here's a short lesson, gentlemen: Quotation marks indicate that someone else said the things inside the quotation marks. In her anger over a reporter daring to put an unsavory quote about her in a headline, Lu demanded an apology and -- ah, here we go -- an exclusive interview with AP. Double score! It's true that the piece was written from a Sinocentric perspective, but what has she done lately to fight this cancer? If Lu were really so concerned about the foreign media's Red rinse, she sure waited a lot of years to be personally insulted before saying anything.
Then there's DPP Chairman Yu Shyi-kun. Yu deserves credit for apparently being the only one of the heavenly kings to insist on a primary. This is especially noble, seeing as he and Lu have about as much chance of winning a primary as Shih Ming-teh (施明德) of receiving a Nobel Peace Prize.
Yu also decided the chairmanship was like his copy of Debbie Does Dallas -- to be lent to his buddies while he's out of town. One would think his decision to bypass the party charter and give his elected post to DPP Legislator Chai Trong-rong (蔡同榮) would ruffle feathers, but in the interest of party unity, almost all of his comrades let it slide. Lu said she didn't care. Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) didn't seem to have any idea what the actual rules were, blandly indicating that he would look into it. Premier Su Tseng-chang (蘇貞昌) reassured everyone by saying: "I'm sure no one would dare violate [the democratic mechanism]." Heavens, no!
So who would I pick, you ask? None of 'em. My choice is already in power: Minister of Education Tu Cheng-sheng (
Think it was Su or the Presidentissimo who decided to rename CKS Memorial Hall? Nope, Tu presided over that Cabinet meeting. Tu has such contempt for public criticism and pan-blue whining that he can talk about the Three Little Pigs in the same breath as hoary entries in the KMT's Confucian canon.
Oh, and his bar-hopping son has a refreshing disregard for propriety.
I'd love to see Tu kicking ass in a legislative brawl. I bet the KMT would give up on that Central Election Commission amendment quick smart once it experienced the righteousness of a Tu Cheng-sheng beatdown.
Tu has proven that education minister can be the most powerful office in the land, and he gets my vote, even if he doesn't run. So you all go elect whoever you want to the presidency. Rest assured that if it doesn't work out, one of his or her friends will be allowed to give it a shot for a month or two.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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