Well, dear reader, your humble scribe turned 60 this week, and as befits my age, I have a good ear for people who talk crap, just as Confucius (孔子) predicted for old grumps like me (六十而耳順).
My dopey son-in-law arranged for a family celebration down at Taipei's Youth Park. Hardly a subtle metaphor, but then we are talking about a man who spends his spare time watching reruns of stock investment advice programs on cable TV.
Besides, Youth Park is a wholly unsuitable name, given that the only people who seem to use it are even older than I am.
As the party progressed, a couple of my granddaughters, bright young things that they are, begged me to watch some new "hot" dance steps they'd learned from their friends at school.
I watched for a few minutes, hiding my clenched teeth behind a sagely smile, before I could take no more and excused myself for the safety of the public toilet.
Ever watched those kids on the weekend down at the Johnny Neihu Temple of Fun (that's "Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall" for those of you nostalgic for tyranny)? The young whippersnappers doing this rap/funk/hip-hop thing in groups of at least four, the girls doing much the same but throwing their arms around their bodies and behind their heads suggestively and threatening to split their track pants with crass buttock thrusts?
Picture the youngsters all facing the same direction, as if they were dancing in front of mirrors. Then realize that these kids are segregated by choice. What in the devil is all this?
The whole point of dancing is being lost. Whatever happened to a good old waltz, a shindig with your arm cradling the back of your lover and the other gently but firmly holding her hand as you spin and whirl around the dance floor?
But my grandkids aren't satisfied unless they're dancing the same moves as the wide-eyed aspiring gangstas next to them with the beltless, drooping jeans and overgrown mop haircuts with random cowlicks.
When you dance for yourself and your same-sex buddies, how do you experience the magic of a fleeting glimpse of your lovely companion's brassiere, the faint but intoxicating perfume rising from her bare neck and shoulders, the delicate but firm sensation of a curved body brought back up from a low dip, pressing against you in a way that cannot be spoken of even in private?
No wonder we're approaching zero population growth. So I say: Forget compulsory military service. There's a much more grave threat to national security.
It's time these kids were forced to ditch their onanistic, pseudo-boyz-in-the-hood prancing and were conscripted into dancing classes. For the sake of the next generation. For the sake of Taiwan.
Speaking of onanism, famed former political prisoner Shih Ming-teh (施明德) has taken a breather from advertising karaoke home television systems to re-enter the fray and attack President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁), one of his Kaohsiung Incident-era lawyers.
Now, a few weeks ago I cited Shih as one of Vice President Annette Lu's (呂秀蓮) predecessors in the ego-trumps-patriotism stakes. But I confess that I had no idea that he was preparing his own crusade against the Apologizer-in-Chief. Prescience? Or does he read my obscure little column for inspiration? You be the judge.
Summoning the spirit of the victims of the 228 Incident (I'm not making this up), Shih carpeted Chen in an open letter, challenging him to resign for the sake of the Democratic Progressive Party and the nation, and saying that Chen has a duty to some (unnamed) ultimate arbiter of morality, rather than trifling documents such as the Constitution of the Republic of China.
Some well-meaning person once dubbed Shih Ming-teh the "Nelson Mandela of Taiwan" because of the 25 years he spent in jail for promoting Taiwanese independence. I'm not sure this is very suitable anymore. I mean, has Mandela demanded the resignation of South African President Thabo Mbeki for his and his administration's abject failures or cut deals for personal gain with his ghastly former oppressors?
And the last time I looked, Mandela was pretty much loved by his people, including many of the whites whose power he redistributed.
Shih, on the other hand, seems to be most beloved of pan-blue camp opportunists and statisticians who revel in candidate vote counts of less than 2 percent.
Not a pretty sight. I propose that Shih Ming-teh now be re-dubbed the "Shih Ming-teh of Taiwan."
This may seem a bit disrespectful. It would be disrespectful if I didn't humbly acknowledge Shih's suffering and his contribution to Taiwan's democratization.
But Shih has form, you see, and now that he has attacked Chen as a moral cipher, we have license to take a look back over the years and learn that such invocations can come back and bite you very hard in the ass.
Readers who track down a copy of the 2002 Academia Sinica oral history collection Special Collection on the Taiyuan Prison Incident will discover that Shih made enemies while in prison among the people who you would most expect to line up behind him.
Instead, in this book, they line up to mostly criticize him for his personal qualities and exaggerating or misrepresenting his role in the famous Taiyuan Prison breakout.
Here's one: former political prisoner Cheng Cheng-cheng (鄭正成):
"To this day, in Shih's eyes, everyone else is a drone and he's the queen bee, and that's the way it's always been. Everyone in prison who ran into Shih maintained a cordial relationship, but they wouldn't confide in him. Everyone knew he had a sweet tongue, he had a way with words, but what was in his heart and what he said were completely different things. ... In jail he once said that Chiang Kai-shek (蔣介石) was an amateur, and that if he could get a hold of power he would out-Hitler Hitler himself." (pages 32-33).
Here's another one: former political prisoner Kao Chin-lang (高金郎):
"Over the course [of preparations for the breakout] Shih Ming-teh intimidated me several times, saying that he had to be the commander because the military rank of the other [prisoners] meant they could only be middle-ranking officers. Only he had the ability to be a general, and his orders were to be obeyed on all matters. If not, he threatened to inform on all of us." (pages 131-132).
But who would know the subtleties of Shih Ming-teh better than his ex-wife, Linda Gail Arrigo (
It also includes this:
In my opinion, despite his earlier steadfastness as a political prisoner, or perhaps because of it, Shih's lifestyle and habits did not prepare him for the daily grind of administration as a legislator and party chairman. A loner and a night-owl, he could not manage to keep office hours, or communicate effectively with his staff. Their dedication was mostly wasted. He was endlessly flattered by reporters and hangers-on, and addicted to women, drink and cigarettes.
I think it was these flaws of character that led Shih to seek the limelight with statements that were striking but not team-coordinated.
Statements that were striking but not team-coordinated? This sounds like an ideal candidate for the now-obsolete position of Presidential Office adviser, which is probably why Chen offered him a job as precisely that.
Shih largely spares first lady Wu Shu-jen (吳淑珍) his poison, citing their "special friendship," though he does patronize her for being handicapped, and implies she is not undeserving of legal sanction over the Sogo vouchers scandal, among others.
Thanks, old friend.
Mandela knew what it was like to get into trouble courtesy of his wife, yet he was able to overcome this. South Africans understood that you can't take responsibility for the failings or weaknesses, or even viciousness, of your spouse.
But there are a few dinosaurs in my country who oversubscribe to Confucian precepts and require presidents to spy on their family members in the style of Chiang Kai-shek and Chiang Ching-kuo (
With Shih's reappearance, we have been treated to yet another display of self-pity by a has-been political figure who is prepared to breach trust, stab "old friends" in the back, dump on the Constitution, abandon any sense of strategy and commitment to a bigger picture (let alone address the appalling possibility of an Annette Lu presidency), all dressed up as a friendly slap on the wrist by a jolly old comrade with pretensions to poetic expression to boot.
The problem is, Shih Ming-teh himself has only come as far as he has done by relying on the goodwill of many people -- including thousands of voters -- who would never do any of these things.
I wonder if Shih, since he started this campaign, has stopped to think for a moment about what those people must feel as pan-blue camp figures fall over themselves commending him for his attack and praising the man they once nearly executed.
No, of course he hasn't.
Vanity, self-consciousness bordering on selfishness, addiction to attention, pointlessly setting oneself up for ridicule, sacrificing the bigger picture for a momentary thrill -- when, oh when, are we going to stop dancing in front of mirrors?
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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