So the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) has finally turned the tide.
Beset by scandal after scandal, rocked by blow after blow, it seemed that all was lost for the ruling party. But those of us who watch the minutiae of Taiwanese politics like ancient astrologers watched the stars, hoping that the intricate machinations would reveal some evidence of a higher order, knew that change was in the wind. The DPP was just setting itself up for the Big Comeback.
The ruling coalition spent many moons marshaling its forces and assembling its weaponry. It pondered long, it pondered hard; but it pondered not in vain.
Finally, the DPP has struck back at its tormentors. It has delivered a swift and debilitating blow to its foe, the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT).
That's right. You heard it here first. The ruling coalition has transformed itself from the Weenie Greenies into a Lean, Mean, Pan-Green Fightin' Machine.
"How did it accomplish this?" the reader asks, breathlessly. "What was this incident responsible for this remarkable comeback? How could I have missed it?"
Well, big things have small beginnings.
But it seems pretty clear at this point that Guidebook-gate is ready to explode into this year's -- nay, this century's -- biggest political scandal, one that could rock the foundations of civilization as we know it.
Yep. Guidebook-gate. KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou's (
"Guidebook-gate?" the reader asks, underwhelmed. "What the hell are you talking about? Johnny, have you lost your marbles?"
Well, those are difficult, eternal questions which man has pondered since time immemorial. But consider the facts:
Our very own Taipei Times, in a story published on Aug. 2, tells us that the DPP discovered that the Insight City Guide: Taipei guidebook, published by Langenscheidt KG, "describes the March 19, 2004, shooting as part of an `election drama.'" Oh, could there be a more telling indication of pan-blue propaganda at work? Drama? Ridiculous. Just look it up.
According to my Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, one of the definitions of "drama" is "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, or conflicting interests or results." How dare Brett Hannon, the guidebook's author, describe the vivid, emotional 2004 presidential election, which had conflicting interests and results, in this way.
But Johnny, this is absurd, you say. Asinine. Demonstrative of a total lack of understanding of the English language, as well as some deep-seated paranoia that probably requires years of therapy. Well, I was ready for that, you transparent KMT running dog.
Try this on for size: The perfidious so-called Insight guidebook also says: "Many of those whose ancestors arrived during imperial times now simply refer to themselves as `Taiwanese.' Mainlanders who arrived after World War II, however, feel uncomfortable with this."
KMT bias! KMT bias! What else could motivate Hannon to describe Taiwanese society in such an accurate and concise manner? Taiwanese people have no identity issues. One never meets people in this country who call themselves "Chinese," while some call themselves "Taiwanese," right? Everyone in this country is in total agreement about everything, including ethnic identity, political orientation and Taiwan's ultimate destiny -- independence or unification.
OK, given that these three DPP councilors have obvious difficulties with the English language, I had better make myself clear:
Dear city councilors Lan, Hsu and Yen:
What I have written in the preceding paragraphs is heavy in sarcasm. My point is not that you are political geniuses; it is actually that you are idiots who have humiliated yourselves and your party in the international media more effectively than the KMT ever could.
You appear provincial and xenophobic by telling Ma that the Taipei City Government would be better off spending money on construction, rather than purchasing independently written guidebooks that help promote tourism for Taiwan.
Your tenuous and laughable attempt to besmear the Taipei mayor is desperate grasping at straws by a drowning man, and makes your party look even more pathetic than it already does. Please stop it. I am no fan of that effete panda-hugger Ma any more than you, but you are embarrassing Taiwan.
Regards,
Dr Johnny Neihu IV
Well, in the end, I can forgive The Councilors Three, as I know that English is not their native language. But how can I forgive Deutsche Presse-Agentur (DPA), which, although a German company, is still a press agency that publishes in English, and therefore makes its living from its supposed command of words and facts?
In a story published yesterday on the news wires, DPA described the newly anointed minister of economic affairs, Steve Chen (陳瑞隆), as "a trilingual trade official":
"Chen, 58, speaks Chinese, English and French and is one of the most experienced trade officials in Taiwan."
Well, maybe if he spoke German as well he could explain to the DPA that he actually speaks four languages: French, English, Mandarin and Hoklo (commonly known as Taiwanese). Anyone who thinks that "Chinese" covers all of Taiwan's linguistic diversity should try using Mandarin to give directions to a Hoklo-speaking taxi driver, or vice versa.
Luckily, if China ever decides to do the dirty deed and try to invade our beautiful country, the People's Liberation Army (PLA) won't have to rely on taxi drivers to get around. According to satellite photos obtained by the Canada-based Kanwa Defence Review, the PLA has already built exact copies of major Taiwanese military installations and practices invading them regularly.
Well, my Red friends, Johnny's here to tell you that however successful your mock invasions of mock Taiwanese bases are, the results are a mere mockery, because you aren't facing off against a bunch of bloodthirsty Taiwanese.
Forget the Patriot PAC-III missiles and submarines. I'd like to see the PLA try tangling with army frogmen who have been stuck on Kinmen for the past three years, or ticked-off marine snipers who have a hangover from a late night at the KTV.
To quote Hong Kong's infamous Bus Uncle, "I've got pressure and you've got pressure. So why are you provoking me? (
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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