Yes, that’s the official advice from the British government to devastated England fans after their side’s World Cup disappointment, according the caughtoffside Web site.
England fans usually hit the bottle when they witness yet another failure at a major tournament, but the government-funded Men’s Health Forum says there are much healthier ways to get over the miserable failure of Roy’s boys.
Johnny’s not buying it, hic.
Photo: Reuters/EPA
The government has sanctioned a World Cup survival guide that claims the easiest way to get over the post-tournament blues is making the beast with two backs.
“Try at least one of these tips to beat depression — take some exercise [get lost, I’m comfy], sing [are you kidding?], have sex [tick], do something you enjoy [complaining], do something different [origami?],” it says.
Bizarrely, it suggests the latter could include simply filling in your World Cup wall chart “with a different color pen.”
I’ve switched to peach.
The health forum said that male hospital admissions for heart attacks soared by 25 percent when England were knocked out of the 1998 World Cup by Argentina on penalties, while when England crashed out to Germany on penalties at Euro 96, that number rocketed up to a 50 percent rise in heart problems.
Broken most of them.
One man not getting any action, though, is 18-year-old England fullback Luke Shaw.
The Sun reported that Shaw was so devastated by his side’s World Cup loss to Uruguay that he attempted to secure a threesome with Playboy model Carla Howe and her twin sister, Melissa.
It claims Shaw texted Howe at 3am, but his request for a liaison with the sisters apparently “disgusted” Carla, though not enough to prevent her from sending him some X-rated images.
“I thought he wanted to start a relationship with me. Initially, I took it as a real compliment that he was doing such a big lifetime achievement like playing at the World Cup [sitting on the bench, Carla], yet constantly contacting me, but when he asked for a threesome with my sister Melissa, I was disgusted,” the woman who makes a living making porn said.
Sex, sex, sex (I’m just trying to get the Web site hits up). It seems Brazilian men aren’t getting any either, according to the Malaysian Digest.
Brazilian men are apparently losing out to the influx of foreigners, so some are taking action — they are posing as tourists in popular night clubs to try to win the favor of the local women.
According to the Folha de Sao Paulo, speaking in bad English, or Portunhol (a mix of Portuguese and Spanish), or attempting basic greetings in French and Italian have become the pickup weapons of choice.
Mais, oui.
However, the challenge is staying in “character,” and the ruse may not be working as well as it seems.
Mon nom est Johnny.
Student Thais Iwanow said that she had been tricked by a fake foreigner.
“I noticed he was faking because of a stupid detail. So I told him to get lost. Now I turn my back on any guy who approaches me speaking English,” she said.
Couilles.
One man who has slept with probably hundreds of Honky Tonk Women and never has any problem getting some satisfaction is Rolling Stones frontman and English stud Mick Jagger (who doesn’t go anywhere without a spare Mars Bar). (A gag for the pensioners, eh? Ed.)
However, mocking the Kentish man — born on the “Dark Side” of the Medway — for supporting teams that go on to lose has become a Brazilian tradition, according to The Associated Press (AP).
Italy were the latest victims of what local media have taken to calling Mick’s pe frio, a term describing the bad luck he brings teams.
At a concert in Rome on Saturday last week, Darth Vader, sorry Mick, predicted that Italy would pull off a victory over Uruguay to advance to the knockout phase. They lost 1-0 on Tuesday.
At a show in Lisbon in May, he predicted that Portugal would win the tournament. Portugal were eliminated on Thursday.
Mick also suffered some good-hearted ridicule on Twitter on June 19 when he urged on England ahead of their match against Uruguay.
“Let’s go England! This is the one to win!!” he tweeted.
England — surprise, surprise — lost.
The Brazilian obsession with Mick’s insights, or the lack thereof, began four years ago at the World Cup in South Africa. Searching for an explanation for their quarter-final loss to the Netherlands, Brazil fans settled on Mick, who showed up at the stadium with his son, whose mother is former Brazilian model Luciana Gimenez, in a Brazil shirt.
Earlier in the tournament, he showed up in the stands with Bill Clinton to cheer on the US, who lost to Ghana, and then a day later turned up to see England trounced by Germany 4-1.
The guy’s a Jonah.
Within hours of Italy’s defeat on Tuesday, social media was buzzing with Brazilian pleas for the rocker to keep quiet, or better yet, lend his support to Argentina.
While Mick apparently changes his mind at will about which team to back, Man of Kent Johnny (the “Force” is with me) has been doing some in-depth analysis before announcing the team that this column will be backing in the round of 16.
Johnny wasn’t going to back a team, but Mrs Foreigner, commenting on the lack of European teams in the knockout stages, suggested maybe I should support Germany, maybe France.
(It’s OK, that sound you can hear is just Olde Grandpa Foreigner spinning in his grave.)
I’m proud to announce that it’s plucky underdogs Costa Rica Johnny is backing, and for good reason.
What’s not to like about a nation of 4 million people with no military?
I’m backing them to go all the way and lift the trophy — then, when the fuss has died down and the rest of the world is looking the other way, England can invade the country and steal the trophy.
It’s the only way we’ll get our hands on it my lifetime.
Meanwhile, we can’t go any further without mentioning that incident.
While there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth in Uruguay over Beaver Suarez’s four-month ban, his practice of gnawing on opponents seems to be a safe bet.
More than 150 Europeans put their money where their mouth is and bet he would do it again during the World Cup, raking in winnings at 175-1 from a Swedish betting company.
The biggest win went to a punter in Norway, whose bonanza amounted to US$2,700, while another Norwegian took home US$916, Betsson group spokesman Mikael Mellqvist said.
The company received bets on a Suarez bite amounting to “six figures in Norwegian kroner,” Mellqvist told AP. “We have people from all of Europe playing, but mainly in Scandinavia.”
There’s nothing else to do.
Norwegian media identified one of the winners as Thomas Syversen, who was asleep on Tuesday when Gnasher Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini on the left shoulder.
“This is probably the sickest bet I have made, not to mention the sickest bet I have won,” Syversen was quoted as saying by the Dagbladet daily.
A sicko, but a winner.
Right, time for some more of my World Cup awards. Yes, it’s time to hand out some more Johnnies.
It happens every four years, and this time, take a bow, Ghana pick up the Squad Implosion Johnny for their Brazil meltdown.
After a row over appearance fees on the eve of their Group G finale against Portugal, Reuters reported that none other than Ghanaian President John Mahama stepped in to conduct a series of meetings, before, in an (alleged; lawyers) tax scam even Barcelona would be proud of, he chartered a plane to fly US$3 million in cash to Brazil to pay the players’ bonuses.
Fat lot of good that did.
On Thursday, Kevin-Prince Boateng was sent home following “vulgar verbal insults targeted at coach Kwesi Appiah during the team’s training session,” while Sulley Muntari was also banished “in the wake of his unprovoked physical attack on... a management member of the Black Stars, Mr Moses Armah, on Tuesday 24th June, 2014, during a meeting.”
Basically, fisticuffs.
No surprise then that Ghana exited after their 2-1 loss to Portugal later on Thursday.
Finally the Biggest Mugs Johnny goes to an unnamed firm in Poole, England, after it created souvenir World Cup mugs for the England squad — surely we’ve got enough mugs already — that featured, instead of Manchester United defender Chris Smalling, the face of US President Barack Obama in an England shirt, US network NBC reported.
Oops.
A Wayne Rooney-Shrek mix-up I could have understood.
According to an auction site’s Web posting, the unnamed Dorset-based company created 2,000 of the botched mugs. It called the mugs “wonderfully mistaken.”
Thing is, Barack might have done a better job.
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