There I was the other day, wandering about Datong District (大同) and reminiscing about my misspent youth hanging out with the GIs that used to be stationed in Taiwan (you didn't think I learned my colorful language at Hess, did you?), when I recalled a shoddy piece of work about my beloved homeland from Reuters on Sept. 5.
A whole tome was devoted to pushing the oft-spouted pan-blue myth that Taiwan's economy is about as healthy as Order of the Scarlet Thumb figurehead Shih Ming-teh (施明德) and on the verge of collapse.
It was titled "Taipei economy sags as foreigners leave for China," and came across the wires with the suitably theatrical sub-heading of "Taiwan -- flatline," as if to say that emergency room doctors are juicing up the defibrillators to jump-start our faltering economy and save us from financial ruin.
It starts off by painting a gloomier picture than Edvard Munch's Scream: empty hotel rooms, empty language schools, before going on to talk about city bars devoid of foreign patrons.
But a little research reveals that the empty bars the author talks about are located in my old stamping ground -- The Combat Zone -- so christened by America's finest who used to trawl the area on their night off for a little nocturnal exercise, if you know what I mean.
Reuters' man in Taiwan has obviously not been around for too long, as anyone who has frequented the zone over the years would know that things haven't been the same since the late 1970s when the peanut seller decided to sell out Son of Peanut and Uncle Sam started shipping my buddies back home.
The zone has been in terminal decline ever since.
The advent of bar culture and urban sprawl also helped to spell the end for the zone as Taipei's center of alcohol-fueled shagging shifted southeast. Besides, who can blame Taipei's current crop of expats and pretty young things for not wanting to drink in the zone's bars -- most of which haven't seen a lick of paint since the Ming Dynasty and are filled with crusty 50-something skanks looking for someone to buy them a NT$1,000 glass of Vitali.
"People who invest in China, we don't see them here anymore," bar owner Chang Hui-lan was quoted as saying. "A lot of them have taken up residence in China."
How surprising. People who invest in China tend to live there and don't return to Taiwan on a weekend for a few bottles of Gold Label Taiwan Beer.
Next up, our intrepid reporter charts the downfall of the domestic tourism industry.
"The stagnation of its tourism industry has generated grassroots criticism of the Taiwan government."
Which tourism industry is this? The last time a bunch of middle-aged, Hawaiian-shirted Americans was seen wandering around Taipei with cameras they were on clandestine CIA business. The majority of Western tourists who actually do land here are often taken by surprise: "Shit, I thought the travel agent said Thailand."
Taiwan has never been a tourist Mecca in the same sense as say, everywhere else in Asia, despite a number of good quality beaches and captivating mountain scenery.
The reasons for this are numerous and have nothing to do with China's rise. First was the small matter of 38 years of martial law. Then you had beaches liberally scattered with mines or anti-amphibious landing equipment which made them resemble the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan.
The rest has everything to do with a lack of facilities, not to mention lazy hoteliers and tour operators who would rather sit around drinking tea, chewing seeds and waiting to rip off the long-awaited influx of newly rich Chicom suckers than get off their backsides and invest a bit of cash in their operations to attract wealthier visitors from outside Asia.
For our next installment of economic expertise, we talk to an airport taxi driver. You know the type, the single-toothed, betel-nut-chewing chap that knows only one semi-English word, "Ta-ka-see," and hangs around intercepting foreigners and bugging them as they leave the arrivals area.
"I won't necessarily get even one passenger per day," he complained.
Well, that may be related to (a) said driver's dodgy appearance, (b) his shitty, run-down cab, (c) a highly efficient public transport system in which a cheap and reliable bus leaves the airport every five to 10 minutes, or (d) local companies being very courteous and arranging limos for visiting businesspeople. It's got bugger all to do with the economy.
Next, the author unwittingly pops a cap in his own foot by comparing air passenger figures for China with Taiwan, telling us "passenger volumes at airports in Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou grew by more than 10 percent this past spring, while Taipei's international passenger volume grew by 5.3 percent, the International Air Transport Association said."
Newsflash: Taiwan is tiny compared with China, but international passenger volumes are still rising. Taoyuan International Airport is building a third terminal, for crying out loud. So where's the crisis?
As for the legions of Mandarin learners jumping ship and swimming across the Strait: National Taiwan University may have lost "more than half of its foreign student body since 1987, largely to China," but can somebody tell me how direct flights to China would see more Mandarin students head our way?
Taiwan, with its widespread use of local languages and different world view, was never anything except the next best thing for Sinophiles and students of Mandarin unable to visit the "real China." And the number of students visiting "China lite" was bound to drop off after the Chicoms eventually succumbed to the temptation of a Big Mac and ice-cold Coke.
After all, why go to Doraemon World when you can go to Disneyland?
Next, we get the boilerplate bullshit about how failure to fully embrace China has resulted in Taiwan being left behind by the other three "Asian tigers," backed up with a quote or two from an investment firm and the American Chamber of Commerce in Taipei (AmCham).
I have only one word to say to those who espouse this theory, and that word is "bollocks."
If you look at the figures, Taiwan has already embraced China like a prisoner meeting his woman for the first time after a 25-year stretch. It has invested gazillions more in China than any other country, yet according to the doom-mongers things have never been worse. What exactly do they want us to do, sell the family gold and put everything into the No. 2 Jiangsu Toothpaste and Dog Food Factory?
Amcham and other foreign interests are pushing for direct links to make their own lives easier and that's that. They don't necessarily give a fig about Taiwanese factory workers (even though more and more of them are not "Taiwanese"). And it is these workers who would suffer most if we threw our lot in with the enemy.
But wait, our man in Taipei still has enough time to take aim at his remaining healthy foot.
"Taiwan's economy is still strong ... the American Chamber of Commerce said in a 2007 Taiwan white paper."
OK, I cut the "but" from this sentence, but doesn't the first bit contradict the whole point of the article?
Having been shot in both feet, the author now hobbles over the finish line, miserably failing to prove the point that Taiwan is any less important than it ever was.
By all means, write on how failing to enact direct links with the Chicoms has affected expats and the economy, but please try to quote more than one person with a little knowledge of the subject.
Talking of dodgy sources, an honorable mention must go to the editorial in last Friday's China Post, which, in its desperation to defend the honor of the Republic of China, resorted to citing the results of a Google search.
Because the "Republic of China" received 121 million hits, the Post's Internet-savvy editorial writer took this as proof of its existence.
With logic like that, don't expect it to be too long before the Abominable Snowman gets a job on their editorial committee.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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