Sat, Jul 05, 2008 page8

• Johnny Neihu's News Watch: Between rocks and a chip trace

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  Pop quiz: What do iron pyrites, crack cocaine, Alcatraz and the Diaoyutais (釣魚台) have in common?

  Answer: They are all rocks capable of sending people over the edge and more often than not succeed in turning them into gibbering wrecks.

  But it is the Diaoyutais that I want to concentrate on.

  Yes, just when you thought the kafuffle over last month’s sinking of a “recreational” fishing boat by the Japanese coast guard had died down, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs this week started beating its chest again over news that several members of the Japanese Diet were preparing to inspect the islands.

  What is it about these eight uninhabited rocks that inflame the passions of so many people?

  The boilerplate line that appears in almost every foreign news article about the Diaoyutais goes something like this: “The disputed islands, which lie in the East China Sea between Taiwan and the Japanese islands of Okinawa, are believed to be rich in oil resources, and are claimed by Taiwan, Japan and China.”

  But a little research — reading John Tkacik’s article in this very rag (“Clear signal needed on disputed isles,” June 27, page 8) — reveals the “dispute” only really became one in 1968, when the UN’s Economic Commission for Asia and the Far East reported that there might be vast, Saudiesque oil deposits in the continental shelf below. Overnight the number of countries interested in the islands increased by 100 percent — to two. China then completed the gruesome threesome when it pulled the UN rug from under the Peanutissimo’s feet in 1971.

  Silly me, I thought the UN was formed to prevent and defuse conflict, not instigate it.

  But then, as we know from recent history, the thought of controlling gazillions of barrels of black gold makes fighting wars and reckless military action seem like a good idea.

  Nowadays, the mere mention of these uninhabited oceanic protuberances will produce the same reaction as waving an American steak in front of a South Korean. It’s enough to turn apparently rational human beings (I do not include New Party or People First Party (PFP) members in this category) into chest-beating, slogan-shouting, flag-burning uberzealots.

  PFP members like Yonghe City (永和) Councilor Huang Hsi-lin (黃錫麟), a member of the Taiwan Safeguard Diaoyutai Movement Union, are so patriotic that they just can’t wait to sail to the islands at the first sign of trouble, whereupon they bravely defend the Republic of China’s territory by throwing plastic bottles at Japanese patrol boats.

  But this patriotic fervor isn’t the preserve of us folk in Taiwan; you even get crazy sons-of-bitches flying in from Hong Kong just so they can burn Rising Sun flags in front of the Japanese mission.

  Indeed, nutcases from Hong Kong seem to have almost cornered the market for pointless acts of fanaticism where the Diaoyutais are concerned. Anyone remember David Chan (陳毓祥), an activist who drowned near the islets on Sept. 26, 1996, after leaping off a protest vessel with five others in an attempt to swim to the islands and assert China’s sovereignty? Poor Dave jumped, snared his foot in a rope and smashed his head against the boat. More idiotic than patriotic, I’d say.

  Even that mild-mannered toilet-paper obsessive, President Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), goes into a full-on, fist-thumping frenzy at the mere mention of these sacred rocks.

  Rumor has it that the Diaoyutais get him even more aroused than when first lady Chow Mei-ching (周美青) slips on her peephole Republic of China negligee on Double Ten Day for their annual night of passion.

  Call me Ban Ki-moon (actually, please don’t), but why doesn’t someone just go ahead and establish whether there is actually any oil there? If there isn’t, then you can bet tension over the islands would drop faster than the stock market.

  A few pings on the sonar and everyone can take a chill pill.

  So how did this contrived sovereignty nightmare come to pass, you may ask?

  In this situation I tend to do what everyone else around the world does when they can’t find a satisfactory explanation. I blame the US.

  After all, it was the Americans who controlled the Diaoyutais for 27 years following the Japanese surrender in 1945 before handing them back to Tokyo. But even after giving them back to Japan, Uncle Sam refused to categorically state a position on the ultimate sovereignty of the rocks.

  What is it about Washington and Pacific islands?

  I think you know what I’m talking about when I say that the US does not exactly have a good record when it comes to stewardship over islands in this region.

  While we’re on the subject of protecting islands, why is it that the present government is so concerned about defending 7km² of rocky outcrop but doesn’t give a rat’s ass about protecting Taiwan proper?

  I’m referring to the invasion of our red “friends” that got under way yesterday and the threats they will bring to national security and public health.

  We got a taste of things to come last Friday when CNA reported how three Chinese tourists absconded from their hotel in Jhongli (中壢), Taoyuan County. What they were doing in that godforsaken place to begin with is anyone’s guess (probably breaking the rules for tourists that China laid down last month), but now that they have run away, the government would be naive to think that it won’t happen again.

  These new flights also mean Chicom spies will no longer have to swim across the Strait or sneak into the country dressed as boxes of fake Viagra and cigarettes.

  So as a concerned citizen, I plan to do something about it. I have already forwarded details of my master plan to the Ministry of the Interior for their consideration. I call it the C&C, or Chip and Chain, plan.

  The first stage involves implanting a GPS-ready microchip under the skin of every Chinese tourist as he or she passes through immigration so that they can be tracked as they travel around the country.

  Then, if anyone from a tour group runs away, the rest of the group will be chained together for the remainder of the tour in a form of collective punishment reminiscent of the ever-popular baojia (保甲) system.

  Before some of my more wishy-washy liberal readers start to complain, I have already thought this through long and hard.

  First, the tourists will be able to retain a high degree of autonomy: They’ll get to choose whether they want their ankles or neck shackled.

  Second, these people come from China, so they are used to creeps in uniform keeping strict control over what they do and where they go.

  And third, as many of the tourists will be elderly professors, being chained together and publicly humiliated will be nothing new to them.

  Besides, my plan is good for the local economy, which, as we all know, is the government’s main concern at the moment — and the main reason our Chinese friends are here.

  Not only will compulsory chip implants give a boost to GPS manufacturers such as MiTAC (we will need extra equipment to track and locate runaways), but making the shackles will also bring China Steel some much-needed extra revenue.

  And anyway, isn’t a gratis subcutaneous microchip the ultimate Taiwanese souvenir?

  It’s a win-win situation, just like Chicommander-in-Chief Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) talked about.

  And if all else fails, we can leak their itineraries to Falun Gong. A couple of hours of having those guys on your tail would be enough to make anyone cut short a vacation and skulk home.

  Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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