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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Truly the next best thing to China

Who needs recognition from the big powers when you've got the Schmids?

I'm referring to Emil and Liliana Schmid, who -- according to the rag you're holding in your hot little hands -- have fallen hard for Taiwan.

For reasons that are never quite explained, this wacky Swiss couple has wheeled through 157 countries in 23 years, giving them the world record for longest road trip ever.

Anyways, after nixing a trip to Chicomland because it was too expensive, they were gobsmacked to discover the bountiful beauty and wonderful people of Taiwan.

Said Emil: "As we cannot afford China, we decided that the next best thing was Taiwan."

OK, so not quite the ringing endorsement we were hoping for. Still, here's the important thing: In their list of 157 countries they've trolled through, they categorized Taiwan as a "sovereign state."

Take that, Beijing. And chalk up another diplomatic victory for Taiwan in the long twilight battle for the world's hearts and minds.

Turns out that exposing foreigners to ordinary, betel-nut chomping Taiwanese is lots more effective than boring the living bejeezus out of them at interminable Ministry of Foreign Affairs banquets.

Here's Emil again: "All over the nation, from Kaohsiung to Kenting to Taipei, Taiwanese were willing to communicate in English."

Notice he said "willing," not necessarily "able" -- still, we'll take that compliment, too.

If the government was really practical, it would embrace the China fever raging worldwide and find a way to profit from it.

Why not promote ourselves as the kinder, gentler, less polluted, more tourist-friendly alternative to China? You can just hear the James Earl Jones-voiced adman voiceover as images of Taroko Gorge (太魯閣) and Alishan (阿里山) flicker by: "Welcome to Taiwan: The Next Best Thing to China."

Then, after we've lured the tourists here, we hit 'em with the betel nut beauties, stinky tofu and Taiwan pride propaganda. The old bait and switch, taike style.

Even better, don't even bother making a new ad campaign. Taiwan has a rich tradition of shameless copycatting (that is, violations of IPR -- hey, isn't that the name of a new boy band?). Witness the Starbucks ripoffs that are even more ubiquitous these days than "UN for Taiwan" receipts.

Why not sell Taiwan in the same style? Other Asian countries like Malaysia and India already have slick, fancy-pants promotional campaigns that run on the hour on CNN -- in between Larry King interviews with celebrities just out of rehab and updates on the weather in Gabon.

No need to reinvent the wheel. How about "Taiwan: Truly Asia"? (... the mountains and the sea ... See? Works fine for Taiwan, too.) Or "Incredible Taiwan-dia" -- except we'd have to lose the sitar and lay down an Aboriginal soundtrack instead.

If Agence France-Presse is to be believed, we'll need to add turtles to the ad campaign too. Apparently, the latest hot trend is eco-tours, like one in Penghu where tourists can gather in the wee hours and ambush an endangered sea turtle that's trying to poop eggs in the sand.

Sorry, but isn't that sort of a private turtle moment? Would you want a bunch of giggling xiaojie tour groups hanging on your every discharge and giving the "V" sign for flashing digital cameras while you're squeezing for dear life in one of nature's most mysterious and vulnerable moments? No wonder they're almost extinct.

At any rate, if we're going to be harassing pregnant endangered sea turtles that are desperately trying to pop one out their eggholes, can't we do it at a more reasonable hour? Say, after dinner at 9pm -- that would leave plenty of time for KTV and Taiwan Beer afterward. Get with the freakin' program, turtles.

Turtles aren't Taiwan's only hot wildlife-related attraction, according to Reuters. Now there's a new coffee that's made from half-chewed seeds in coffee berries spat out by Formosan rock monkeys. Waxes coffee addict Wang Chih-ming of the brew: "It's got a nice aftertaste, that's really good."

It's called monkey backwash, you fool.

And I'm not sold. Sounds a lot like some tricky marketing ploy allowing farmers to rake in big bucks without having to get rid of all the damn monkeys running amok in their fields.

Still, Reuters insists this new monkeyspit brew, fine as it is, pales next to the world's rarest and most expensive (US$990 a kilo) java, made from beans that are removed by hand from civet cat droppings. Give me a venti with cream, one sugar -- and hold the SARS.

So Indonesia may score big on civet-shit brews ("Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't you like my scat?"). But our dear Taiwan has pulled ahead in the sea slug competition.

In a discovery that has rocked the world of slug research to its very foundations, Chen Ming-huei (陳明輝) of the National Museum of Marine Biology and Aquarium has discovered a new "nudibranch" (that's some kind of perverse science-babble for "slug") off Green Island (綠島), says this paper. Its provisional name is "little strawberry" until an official name can be found.

But don't tell the Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) administration: the hapless things are likely to be dubbed the "UN for Taiwan" seaslug and become an obscure hermaphroditic pawn in cross-strait political wars. (According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, "Nudibranchs ... have a set of sex organs for both genders, but they can rarely fertilize themselves." Hmm. Reminds me of a long-ago Combat Zone experience).

Gender-bending seaslugs, monkey-spittle coffee, harassed turtles, people who try to speak English, not being China -- Taiwan's a tourist's paradise in waiting. Now let's get those damn ads on the air.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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