Scandinavians are tall, good-looking blondes who love winter sports. They are totally relaxed about their bodies and have no problems being naked in company. Other than this they are totally boring and have never done anything of cultural or historical note.
Not my words, but Web site nationalstereotype.com, and it’s in Sweden that we begin this week’s World Cup Odyssey after Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that online store Oliver & Eva on Wednesday last week unveiled the “[Luis] Suarez nipple clamp” in the form of the player’s head, teeth bared, for just 33 euros (US$45).
Bargain.
Photo: AFP
“Maybe [Suarez] will be proud to spread a bit of pleasure and love, despite his error on the field,” store director Tobias Lundqvist said in a statement.
According to the Web site, the pressure of the bite can be adjusted “depending on the mood.”
This filth should be banned.
Something that was banned was the sale of flour and shaving foam in Bogota on Friday last week ahead of the quarter-final with hosts Brazil.
Yes, deadly flour and life-threatening shaving foam.
AFP reported that Colombians often celebrate by dousing people in shaving cream or making flour “bombs,” but police were determined to stamp out the practice because it can lead to fights. Alcohol sales were also banned.
As it turned out, celebrating was the last thing on their minds after the 2-1 defeat to the hosts.
Turning to matters of the foul rag and bone shop of the heart, the World Cup semi-finals threatened to produce some split loyalties in the House of Orange, The Associated Press (AP) reported.
Dutch King Willem-Alexander and his wife, Argentine Maxima, were facing some matrimonial tensions on Wednesday when the Netherlands took on Argentina in Sao Paulo.
Doctored images began circulating online as soon as the Netherlands defeated Costa Rica and set up a semi-final with Argentina.
One showed a couple lying in bed, facing away from one another, looking angry. The faces of Willem-Alexander and Maxima had been edited onto the image of marital disharmony.
Sounds familiar.
I’m sure they sorted it out, but Johhny’s no expert on affairs of the heart, far from it. Mrs Foreigner often inquires as to my amorous feelings, but, as British comedian Sean Lock once pointed out, the symptoms of being in love — shortness of breath, light-headedness, inability to concentrate — are exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.
“I think I love you, but perhaps we should get the water heater serviced just in case,” Johnny usually answers.
The New Zealand Herald reported this week that Brazilian organization Little Street Kisses distributed thousands of pamphlets to visiting fans in Recife last week. The leaflet, which advised them of the rules of engagement with local sex workers, included these gems:
‧ A deal is a deal and she’s a professional. This business has nothing to do with love, no matter how much fun you had.
‧ Sometimes, things just don’t work out. If it happens to you, don’t worry. Keep calm and try again later.
‧ There are no guarantees in this business. If you are unsatisfied, mention it, but keep calm. Never ask for your money back.
‧ Alcohol might make you relax, but might make things more difficult later. Less, in this case, may mean more.
Meanwhile, the flood of foreign fans has been a boon for the single women of Brazil, where a demographic imbalance means they outnumber men by more than 4 million nationwide, AP reported.
“There are so many men everywhere these days, it’s amazing,” Renata de Mouro Moitinho said, gesturing out over a sea of masculine faces at a Fan Fest. “The World Cup is God’s gift to women.”
Moitinho, who along with three friends braved a more than two-hour bus ride to get to the Fan Fest, said foreigners just have a je ne sais quoi that their Brazilian counterparts lack.
Surely, that’s just the French.
“They’re handsome, sweet, humble and generous,” Moitinho said as her friends grabbed hold of an Italian’s hips to lead him in samba’s hallmark sway. “They respect women and don’t come on strong like Brazilian men, who just grab on to you and try to kiss you right away. They’re much more gentlemanly.”
Not the French then.
Catia Santiago, a 35-year-old single mother, agreed.
“I’ve never had the money to travel, so I thought all men were like Brazilians — very fast, very aggressive,” Santiago said.
Fast, aggressive, that’s me (unless deadline’s approaching — Ed.)
“Now I see that gringos aren’t like that at all,” she said, adding that the language barrier hadn’t proven a problem at all. “I’m hooked.”
With the group stages feeding us TV addicts three matches a day, what have fans been doing during the more relaxed schedule of the knockout stages? Well, in Europe at least, according to Britain’s the Mirror, al fresco frolicking has been the order of the day.
Apparently undeterred by passersby, a brazen duo got frisky on top of a historic fountain in the middle of a public square in the Russian city of Samara.
In broad daylight.
Too much time on their hands, see.
The pair’s raunchy encounter, which went on — predictably — for about 15 minutes, was filmed by 26-year-old Aleksey Douhov.
Pervert.
After the footage went viral, angry local lawmakers alerted police, who are now trying to track down the pair.
However, the public romp was just the latest in a string of “sexcapades” taking place across Europe.
Austrian police were trying to trace a couple caught having sex on the platform of an underground station. Apparently passengers couldn’t believe their eyes when their train pulled into Neue Donau Station in Vienna only to be greeted by the steamy pair.
Passenger Vera Neuwirth, 23, said: “She had really taken off everything she was wearing on her lower half and he had lowered his jeans down, and they were really going for it completely oblivious to what was going on around them.”
Austrian officials confirmed that the pair not only faced a fine, but also risked being jailed for up to six months.
It might have been cheaper to get a room.
I blame FIFA.
Oviedo, Spain, and some passersby took selfies of themselves as a couple of saucy Spaniards cavorted inside a bank.
Witnesses said apart from their socks, they were naked during their tryst, with their clothes strewn all around the ATMs.
“They stripped right off for it,” a police spokesman said. “This wasn’t just a quick fumble.”
Those where the days.
The couple continued to have sex without knowing or caring what was happening outside, where people were laughing, applauding and taking pictures.
A police spokesman said: “The couple obeyed [our instructions to stop]. We took their details, but we have not pressed any charges. I suppose they got carried away in the heat of the moment.”
As you do.
There were plenty of puns on the Web about “making a transfer” and “penetrating funds,” obviously not the kind of cheap humor Johnny would succumb to.
This European convorting is something that women in Shanghai can only dream of after the Shanghai Daily reported that a group protested at Century Avenue Metro station on Monday.
More than 10 women, which apparently constitutes a crowd, held banners and gave out leaflets at the station, complaining that the World Cup had “deprived” them of their boyfriends and husbands. Since the tournament started their partners had rarely had sex with them, they moaned, saying that their menfolk were more interested betting and getting drunk watching matches.
That’s the spirit.
One person less than amused by all this raucous behavior was Russian priest Alexander Shumsky, who published a scathing critique of the World Cup on Monday, denouncing it as a “homosexual abomination,” the Moscow Times reported.
Shumsky thanked God that Russia were knocked out of the World Cup and went on to slam the colorful footwear of many of the players, likening it to wearing “women’s panties or a bra,” while suggesting that non-standard colors help to promote the “gay rainbow.”
Quite what he knows about wearing panties and a bra I don’t know, but I’ll let you be the judges.
The good news — the next World Cup is being hosted by Russia, then we have Qatar.
Not to worry, though, FIFA held their non-discrimination day during the quarter-finals, although it takes Australian illustrator David Squires to keep us honest.
Using the “anti-discrimination” text FIFA had players read before the matches, the artist created a series of comic panels interpreting what the messages really meant, including this one:
“So determined is FIFA to eradicate homophobia that it decided to award the hosting rights to the next two World Cups to countries whose anti-gay laws apply to everyone.This is exactly the kind of inclusiveness that FIFA wholeheartedly endorses...”
Finally, AFP reported that a lawmaker apologized on Thursday for a tweet praising Adolf Hitler following Germany’s World Cup win over Brazil, after Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak rebuked him for his “unacceptable” statement.
Bung Mokhtar Radin, a so-called politician with Najib’s ruling party, congratulated Germany on Wednesday by posting on Twitter, “Well done... Bravo... Long Live Hitler.”
“He does not speak for Malaysia, or for ordinary Malaysians, who understand Europe’s tragic past and respect its modern unity,” Najib said.
“This should be a time of celebration for Germany,” he added, wishing Germany “all the best” in the final against Argentina tomorrow.
Bung Mokhtar himself also tweeted an apology on Thursday, but only after defending his remarks earlier amid criticism.
Germany’s ambassador to Malaysia said on Wednesday that the embassy “strongly” rejected “the unacceptable allusion to the fascist regime of Adolf Hitler.”
This scumbag has history: During a debate over a leaky parliament roof in 2007, Bung Mokhtar said: “Where is the leak? The Batu Gajah MP also leaks every month,” referring to an opposition female lawmaker’s menstrual cycle.
The villains — the Malaysians who voted for this obnoxious piece of scum.
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