The problem with FIFA World Cups is, if you didn’t do very well, there are generally consequences when you return home, all depending on expectations of course.
When the England squad returned to Luton Airport on Wednesday last week they were greeted by ... well nobody. However, it seems expectations were somewhat higher in South Korea.
When the South Korea squad, who like England picked up a solitary point from their three games in Brazil, arrived at Incheon airport on Monday, they had toffees thrown at them as they lined up for photographs — apparently “go eat a toffee” is an insult in South Korea along the lines of “screw you.”
Photo: screen grab from YouTube.
I later learned it’s also an insult in Afrikaans, which is probably one of the only things South Africans and South Koreans have in common — apart from the direction that is to your right when you are facing the rising sun, as the southerly direction is so handily defined by Merriam Webster.
So how do I find it in the afternoon, eh?
One man who left Brazil earlier than scheduled was Count Dracula ... sorry, Uruguay’s Luis Suarez.
He might have left, but the controversy continued on Thursday last week when Reuters reported that coke-snorting Diego Maradona — a man who knows all about being thrown out of a World Cup in disgrace — blasted FIFA’s ban on Suarez on his TV show as “criminal” and said it might as well have handcuffed the striker and locked him up in Guantanamo Bay.
Uruguayan President Jose Mujica also weighed in by phoning the program and pulling this conspiracy theory out of thin air.
“We kicked out Italy, we kicked out England, how much money was lost there?” Mujica asked.
“We’re Uruguay, we’re very little. It was cheap,” Mujica said while cheaply currying favor with the electorate.
Mujica was back on TV on Sunday with this to say: “Those at FIFA are a gang of old sons of bitches.”
Steady Jose, I might start agreeing with you.
Suarez’s grandma also weighed in with a conspiracy theory.
“Everyone knows what they’ve done to Luis. They wanted him out of the World Cup. Perfect, they did it. They chucked him out of there like a dog,” a sobbing Lila Piriz da Rosa told Reuters.
“I’m his granny and I love my boy loads,” Piriz said. “Please don’t ask me any more.”
Bless.
My advice to Maradona, Mujica and all the Suarez apologists: start a petition.
That’s what soccer fan Daniel McCarthy did earlier this year, according to the Irish Mirror, when he threw his support behind a knighthood for former Leicester City and Liverpool “striker” Emile Heskey, who scored seven goals in 62 internationals.
Yes, Emile Heskey.
Unfortunately for deranged Daniel, the British government rejected his idea in April.
Then there was the mysterious Mr Benson, who launched a petition to persuade the British government that only people with ginger hair should be allowed to live in the UK.
Mr Benson, who represented the Gingers for Justice lobby group, claimed ginger people had been forced into hiding and needed to be liberated.
Good — ginger tossers.
A group of campaigners even petitioned the British monarchy to change the national anthem to something more modern and appropriate — Gold by Spandau Ballet.
Modern? Appropriate? Does this mean I’ll have to buy a kilt?
As if that wasn’t enough, they also suggested that lead singer Tony Hadley should be the only person permitted to preside over medal ceremonies when the national anthem is played, ideally wearing a gold suit.
It’s true, I swear.
Meanwhile, even portly Brazil great Ronaldo got reluctantly dragged into the Suarez quagmire last week — by riffing on parenthood and fairytale villains.
“Why do you want my opinion? I never bit anyone,” toothy Ronaldo replied when asked about Suarez, but instead of stopping there he kept on going: “But I know that bites hurt. My young kids used to bite me and I used to punish them.”
Ouch.
“In my home, punishment is called ‘the dark room with the big bad wolf,’ so I suppose for an adult four months with no football is the same,” Ronaldo said.
Hang on, I need to check this isn’t a Rolf Harris quote...
Of course, the Chinese spotted a business opportunity.
Yahoo Sport reported that an enterprising businessman has created a special Suarez bottle opener, which he is selling on Taobao, so you can replace Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder with your favorite bottle of beer.
People are snapping them up.
Then, after all of that, Barcelona came sniffing and Suarez decided to do the honorable thing.
“After several days of being home with my family, I have had the opportunity to regain my calm and reflect about the reality of what occurred during the Italy-Uruguay match on June 24, 2014,” the victimized one said in a statement. “Independent from the fallout and the contradicting declarations that have surfaced during these past days [most of them yours], all of which have been without the intention of interfering with the good performance of my national team [they got knocked out, Luis], the truth is that my colleague Giorgio Chiellini suffered the physical result of a bite in the collision he suffered with me. For this: I deeply regret what occurred; I apologize to Giorgio Chiellini and the entire football family; I vow to the public that there will never again be another incident like [it].”
How wrong you were, Luis, and it happened in a playground.
The Irish Mirror reported that Mark Anthony (no, not the Roman) was banned from his six-year-old son’s primary school for allegedly biting the headteacher in a copycat attack.
Anthony targeted stunned Mary Wilson (no, not the Supreme) in the playground the day after Suarez’s infamous bite. The headteacher was said to have burst into tears later that day, before visiting a hospital for a tetanus jab.
Mailman Anthony — who was picking up his son, Neo, although he probably delivered him to the wrong address — insisted it was a joke and that he did not bite Wilson.
He admitted it was “silly,” but said: “All I did was nuzzle my mouth into her shoulder.”
Yeah, that’s what Dracula said.
In other foot-in-mouth news from Agence France-Presse (AFP), Dutch airline KLM on Sunday deleted a tweet featuring a picture of a sombrero and a moustache after the Netherlands knocked Mexico out of the World Cup.
The picture, posted just after the 2-1 win over Mexico, also said “Adios Amigos,” unsurprisingly sparking a storm of criticism.
The PR department, having watched the match at their local Amsterdam “cafe,” unsurprisingly thought this would be a great wheeze, man.
“I’m never flying your shitty airline again,” Mexican actor and director Gael Garcia Bernal tweeted to 2 million followers.
Oops.
In response, Mexican national carrier AeroMexico tweeted a photo of an “Arrivals” sign with the message: “We’re proud and await you at home.”
World Cup penalty shootouts.
The stress. The anguish. The joy. The mad dash to find somewhere else to watch the final minutes when you smash your TV.
That was the experience of Brazil fan Rafael Gambarim, who was so overcome with emotion while watching the hosts’ penalty shootout against Chile on Saturday that he smashed his TV set, AFP reported.
The YouTube video, available at www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGV_nU6927Q, shows Gambarim and two cousins embracing and leaping with joy as Brazil’s Julio Cesar saves a penalty by Chile’s Alexis Sanchez in their round-of-16 match.
Gambarim kisses and embraces the TV as it shows images of the Brazil goalkeeper, but when the shot turns to Sanchez, Gambarim smacks him in the face — shattering the screen.
Chile, man.
Those high-flyers at KLM can show you the way.
With at least six penalties remaining, Gambarim ran to the house next door, where his neighbor agreed to let him and his cousins watch the rest of the shootout.
Johnny was reminded of northern cousin Ramsbottom Foreigner, who, after having suffered the heartache of watching his beloved Derby County lose a local derby to Nottingham Forest, returned home tired and emotional, only to turn on the TV and see Forest manager and former Derby boss Brian Clough being interviewed on the BBC’s Sportsnight.
The TV was swiftly deposited out of the third-floor window of his apartment — and that was before flat-screen LCDs when TVs made a much more satisfactory sound as they crashed into the concrete.
Talking about rowdy behavior, after Costa Rica’s victory over Greece on penalties, the nation’s police force said it had received 486 reports of domestic violence, 602 of public disorder and 411 of assaults or street fights — and that was when they won.
Maybe they should bring in the army to maintain order ... oh, hang on.
Meanwhile, Ghana’s Peace FM online reported that a member of the National Democratic Congress, Gabby Asummeng, blamed the Black Stars worst World Cup performance on “deviant practices.”
Asummeng said a sex scandal which hit the Ghana camp was a factor in the abysmal performance of the deviants.
“There was no discipline in camp ... both players and officials couldn’t abstain from sex and work for the country?” he questioned.
Sex, eh?
Then, speaking on Okay FM’s afternoon political talk show, he said that the Black Stars had used juju (black magic to you and me) in the camp.
“The juju would have worked if not for that adwaman honhom [promiscuous behavior] from the players and their management,” he said.
Sex and black magic; they just don’t mix.
Ahead of the Belgium-US showdown, Reuters reported that Belgian Prime Minister Elio di Rupo challenged US President Barack Obama to a bet, offering the prospect of some “great Belgian beers” should the US team win.
Fat chance, and he knew it.
“Hey @BarackObama, I am betting some great Belgian beers that our @BelRedDevils will make it to the quarter final,” Di Rupo tweeted on Friday last week.
Obama couldn’t be arsed to reply, which might tell you all you need to know about Belgium’s standing on the world stage, although to be fair the nation did go 589 days with no government — Taiwanese can only dream of such a nirvana.
Quite what Di Rupo was expecting to receive in return was not clear, but I’m guessing not waffles.
In a campaign reminiscent of the French fries boycott during the Iraq War, US firm Waffle House was urging a boycott of Belgian waffles ahead of the round-of-16 clash.
“We don’t believe in Belgium waffles,” Waffle House said on its official Twitter feed.
What, like fairies?
“We’ve never served Belgian waffles at Waffle House and we just want to support team USA,” Irwin said of the tweet, which sparked a flurry of pro-US responses, as well as a discussion of just what the difference between a Belgian waffle and the US version might be.
Who cares?
Other than the waffle war, there were also US bars pulling Belgian beers from their shelves and a US of A media obsession with the fact that Belgians prefer mayonnaise with their fries.
Every US media preview Johnny read ahead of the match mentioned the mayonnaise fetish — and this from a nation that puts red sauce and mustard on hotdogs, when everyone knows that only brown sauce will do on a sausage sandwich.
Weirdos.
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