It’s a commonplace excuse for professional athletes when they lose.
“Just a bad day at the office,” they’ll tell interviewers.
But now Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien has taken the office metaphor a step further, misguidedly seeing the office as a symbol of professionalism and diligence.
“The pitch is like my office,” he told the London Evening Standard newspaper. “And when you’re in the office you don’t mess around, you mean business.”
How little you know of the world, Michael. For this is how Saturday afternoon would unfold if you really did treat the pitch like an office:
3:05pm — Arrive at game and run on to pitch. Tell the referee: “I’m late because this fat bloke with terrible BO kept blocking the subway train doors at Earl’s Court station, and the train was held there.”
3:06pm — Pop out of the stadium for 10 minutes to get a cup of coffee. Bump into attractive girl from the ticket office and chat with her about last night’s TV before heading back.
3:17pm — Return to pitch. Get on the mobile and call plumber. Those kitchen taps won’t fix themselves.
3:19pm — Have long chat with fellow central midfielder about which animal, pound for pound, is the hardest in the world. He reckons the jaguar; I say it must be a member of the weasel family. Nutters, weasels are.
3:32pm — Boss looks a bit antsy in the dugout. Better keep him happy. Play 10 minutes of soccer.
3:42pm — It’s half-time in three minutes: may as well knock off a little bit early.
4:10pm — Sorry! We went down the pub for a quick one — didn’t realize the game had restarted.
4:13pm — Shouldn’t have had those three pints at half-time. Desperate for a slash. Back to the dressing room to pick up a copy of Nuts. Take it to the bog.
4:29pm — Who knew there was that much to read in Nuts? Right. Back to action. One last push to impress the gaffer: 10 minutes of solid effort.
4:34pm — Well, it was meant to be 10 minutes of solid effort. But then someone sent me this hilarious link, so I had to show the lads on my iPhone. Brilliant.
4:39pm — All right. Six more minutes of solid effort. Promise I won’t be distracted.
4:40pm — The boss substitutes me.
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