A few readers have written to me expressing doubts about what I said I might have been up to during my recent sabbatical, especially as there were a number of untrue media reports regarding my whereabouts.
One scurrilous piece from the Chicom state media even alleged that I was attending a Dalai Lama-al-Qaeda “terrorist training camp” in Dharamsala, and while I can confirm I did spend some time in northern India, it was to get some richly deserved spiritual R&R rather than attend Olympic Flame Extinguishing 101.
I was not, as has also been rumored, shuttling between Taiwan and Lapland with suitcases of money trying to establish diplomatic relations. Besides, everyone knows that Beijing already has Santa wrapped around its little finger. The elves’ jobs were offshored a long time ago.
Seriously, I was just taking a break. However, I did manage to keep one eye on global goings-on while relaxing in my solitary retreat in the Himalayas (I am still a journalist, after all). And it is a good thing that I did, because I could keep my eye on the reams of rubbish written about my beloved country and head honcho-elect Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) following the presidential election.
As most of you are aware, anyone who spends time in India is sooner or later likely to be struck down with a stomach affliction of some kind. But it wasn’t the Delhi belly or the Karachi crouch that had me praying to the porcelain god. No, it was a single piece of Deutsche Presse-Agentur (DPA) dross that had me giving my esophagus a vertical shake-up faster than any viral vindaloo ever could.
This piece stood out like a tall, blond foreigner at a night market. Entitled “Taiwan says its next leader world’s most handsome,” it reared its ugly head sometime around April 15.
With a title like that, and the personality cult construction that has been going on in the local media since March 22, I had some idea of what to expect. But the intensity of the brown-nosing in this piece would have been enough to make even Peanutissimo Chiang Kai-shek (蔣介石) blush.
“Finally, we have a president who is good-looking and speaks fluent English,” DPA quoted Li Ping, a retired professor, as saying — as if these were the most important qualities for a president. “He will be a good representative of the Taiwan people on the international stage.”
Now I don’t know what Professor Li taught during his academic career, but it most certainly wasn’t international relations. Is he not aware that, once inaugurated, Ma will be about as welcome on the international stage as Koo Kwang-ming (辜寬敏) at a Suffragettes convention?
“I bet he is the world’s most handsome president,” gushed Liu Yi-hsue, a Taipei schoolteacher, before qualifying it with “at least among Asian presidents.”
Why the sudden change of heart, Ms Liu? Either Ma is the most handsome politico in the universe, or he is just some average-looking Joe that nobody outside of Asia has ever heard of. Or do you think he’s devilishly handsome because that’s what you’ve been told to think by the media for the last 20 years?
But it gets worse, as later we learn that the young Ma quickly outgrew the moniker “Fat Ma” — his nickname from elementary school days — to develop “an athletic build, a chiseled face, dark hair and white teeth.”
Chiseled by whom exactly? His friendly neighborhood “visually challenged” masseuse? And how many people have teeth of a color other than white?
Then comes the killer quote as Wang Li-min, a book translator, tells us: “He has the feminine charm and beauty which is often associated with Chinese intellectuals.”
The secret’s out.
Now we know why women are so attracted to our soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s because they feel at home enough in Ma’s company to talk about knitting patterns and hot sour soup recipes.
Let’s just hope that he doesn’t bump into Koo, or Ma might find himself rubbed up the wrong way.
Further on, the author of this puff-piece-to-end-all-puff-pieces tells us: “Taiwan analysts conceded that Ma’s good looks are an asset to his image but added that a successful head of state must possess other qualities,” such as “a good family background, good academic background, good looks and good manners.”
From this I can only assume that DPA looked up the local phone directory under “Analysts” and found the perfect rent-a-quote service sandwiched between “Psychiatry” and “Hollywood fashions on Oscar night.”
I would have thought that mental toughness, a determined streak, a hard nose and the ability to make the correct decision under pressure were vital qualities for president of a nation whose survival is ever so slightly in doubt, but that’s just me.
To round off, we discover that “according to the Taiwan press, a number of clinics have received requests from young men who want to undergo surgeries so they can look more like Ma.”
I can picture it now: “Young” men across Taiwan are going to plastic surgery clinics and saying, “Doctor, I want to look like a chiseled, effeminate 57-year-old with white teeth and a Hitler part.”
The strangest thing about this piece of jizz-laden journalism is that a Google search reveals it was only picked up by one Web site in Azerbaijan and dozens upon dozens of sites in India, among others. But no serious media organizations seemed to pick it up. How can this be?
Anyway, while being considered handsome in Taiwan is one thing, it’s not too difficult when you’re competing with Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Honorary Lifetime Loser Lien Chan (連戰) and KMT rumormonger-at-large Chiu Yi (邱毅).
Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Ma chose Vincent Siew (蕭萬長) as his running mate. It was nothing to do with his so-called economic prowess, but because Siew and his Panavision grin make Ma look like George Clooney every time they appear together.
Talking of looks, is it me, or does Lien’s hair get darker every time he leaves on one of his cross-strait sojourns?
Mind you, I suppose that’s what happens when you sell your soul to the Devil ala Mr Continuous War. And Mephistopheles isn’t so cheap that he wouldn’t slip you some hair dye — gratis, naturally.
Taiwan’s Dorian Gray may well get a shock next time he returns from China and looks at his own portrait sitting on the mantelpiece. He may find that it depicts an ugly, selfish man unconcerned about the rights of other people and someone all too willing to tolerate abuses of power. The Ugly Chinaman indeed.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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