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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Taking out the white-collar trash

I may have a reputation as a hardened cynic, but believe me, I want to be able to see the good side of things. I want to see that glass half full.

The business world isn't making it easy, though.

I'm not just talking about the idiotic promotions of late, such as Mitsubishi sponsoring a one-day pedestrian area in downtown Taipei to showcase its latest models; Volvic organizing a biking event to increase environmental awareness and inspire Taiwanese to import bottled water from halfway across the globe; and McDonald's offering half-price patties to anyone in Japan who will promise to think about reducing their carbon dioxide emissions. These guys are getting smart at making people consume more in the name of consuming less.

Any day now IKEA will launch a buy-two-get-one-free shelf sale with 5 percent of proceeds going to rainforest conservation. But it'll take more than that to suck me in. I'm waiting to do my bit for the environment until my pharmacy offers discounts on Siberian tiger penis in return for pledges to the World Wildlife Fund.

I can't take any more of this newfound social conscience crap. I like companies and governments better when they're honest about not caring. That's why I was ecstatic to hear a candid statement by Indian Foreign Secretary and self-professed weasel Pranab Mukherjee via the British Broadcasting Corp on what his country should do about Myanmar: "We have strategic and economic interests to protect in Burma. It is up to the Burmese people to struggle for democracy."

Words worthy of a British commander circa Amritsar Massacre. India has learned a lot since then, I see. Along with China and Russia, it has been quick to point out that brutalizing pacifist monks really is an "internal affair" -- much like a neighbor beating his toddler is a "family matter."

And, Mukherjee figures, as long as someone's beating his kids, we might as well be the one selling him brass knuckles. No shame in saying it: Money makes the world go 'round.

So is the world of finance and economy made up of nothing more than creeps and cretins? Of course not: There's always the crooks.

Thankfully, in Taiwan we've got the finest white-collar-crime busters in the world. Well, maybe not, but what we lack in quality we make up in quantity.

Hence, sending 200 prosecutors to raid BenQ's offices isn't a problem, but keeping tabs on a few big-time embezzlers does seem to elude us -- even when they've already been convicted.

Now I'm not an expert on these issues, but I do wonder how many countries, after convicting and sentencing top white-collar criminals, let them out on bail before they serve their prison terms. What could possibly be more embarrassing than former bank president and senior Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) official Wang Yu-yun (王玉雲) buggering off to China or somewhere as his seven-year prison term beckoned?

I'll tell you what: Finding out that police sent two letters to his home politely asking him to report to prison.

But even our prosecutors draw the line at two friendly reminders. After that they mean business. When the police finally went to Wang's house, they realized why he wasn't opening his mail. And he didn't leave a forwarding address.

It couldn't possibly get worse. Or could it? Last week -- just one month after Wang skipped town -- we found out that his cohort Huang Tsung-hung (黃宗宏), due to serve eight-and-a-half years, won't be reading his mail anytime soon either.

With this stunning police record, I suggest Rebar Emperor Wang You-theng (王又曾) come home to face the music. What is there to lose? Best-case scenario: An act of God acquits him. Worst-case scenario: He and his wife each get sentenced to 20 years in prison and hefty fines, get released on bail to go home and "tidy up affairs," and jump on a midnight "fishing trip" to Myanmar.

Well, okay, let's not get carried away. So a few people escaped. So what? We've got smaller fish to fry. Like the 79 co-defendants Wang You-thug left behind, including his spawn, who must be dealing with serious rejection issues over Daddy right now. That's going to take years of psychotherapy -- after they've been released from jail.

A word of advice to white-collar criminals in the making (free of charge from old Johnny, because you might want to save up for your legal fees). Remember this rule of thumb and you'll do fine: "The smaller the crime, the more jail time; the bigger the sin, the better chances you'll win."

But disappointing moral fiber is hardly endemic to Taiwan's corporate world, and neither are the Wang kids the only ones dealing with rejection issues.

After US President George W. Bush met the Dalai Lama last week, China seems to have thrown the governmental equivalent of a hissy fit.

When it began rerouting requests from Chinese IP addresses for Google, Yahoo and Microsoft's search engines to Baidu, Government Information Office Minister Shieh Jhy-wey (謝志偉) was quick to lash out at Beijing for hijacking "freedom of information."

Freedom of information? Now I'm certainly not one to disagree that the boys in Beijing care as much about freedom of speech as Dow Chemical (bearer of the Union Carbide torch) cares about that odd burning sensation in little Sanjeev's eyes. But let's be honest: Western Internet firms haven't exactly needed China's technological support to stem the flow of information.

Shieh was being just a little over-optimistic when he implied the Chinese would be losing anything by not being able to pull up a collection of precensored search results on the Web sites of Microsoft, Google or -- my personal favorite -- Yahoo (which should only be followed by an exclamation point if the word "sucks" appears between the two).

No, the only losers in this situation are the slighted firms. Yahoo, which narrowly outshines Microsoft in terms of repulsive behavior in China, must have felt a little betrayed. Spend all your time down at the Public Security Bureau turning tricks to turn a profit and this is the thanks you get?

Snubbed by Beijing and called to another US congressional hearing within a matter of days -- overall, Yahoo had a bad week, and I'm not ashamed to say I'm indulging in a little Schadenfreude on behalf of jailed journalist Shi Tao (師濤).

But in case all of this stewing over bad eggs has you down in the dumps, I'll leave you on a lighter note.

Let's wrap up this week with a bit of foreign insight into my beloved country's economy. Over the weekend the New York Times reported on the "exodus" of Taiwanese desperate to earn a buck across the Strait:

"Here in Taipei, the exodus shows up in frequently light traffic. A mixture of youths and the old share the capital's sidewalks, with few left in the age brackets in between because of the exodus."

Buy one exodus, get one free?

I'll let the readers judge for themselves, but I'm guessing this particular journalist had one of two sources: pharmacological psychedelics or KMT Legislator Su Chi (蘇起).

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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