Sat, May 19, 2007 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: No more trunk calls to the WHO

  If you can't join 'em, beat 'em to death. Johnny discovers that all is not what it seems inside the Orwellian corridors of the World Health Organisation, especially seeing as it is willing to accept mountains of Taiwanese bucks for crates full of paper. Never before have the wise words of Colonfucius been so apt: Know thy sphincter.

  • By Johnny Neihu
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  What is it about China that makes otherwise decent people flush their dignity down the crapper?

  An editorial from the China ("No really, we're in Taiwan") Post on Tuesday produced a revelation. Humorously entitled "CKS fought for democracy," it said: "Chiang [Kai-shek] was supreme commander of the victorious Allied forces during WWII."

  Quick, get Washington on the line.

  The China Post was established in 1952, and ever since its editorial team has churned out drivel that licks the boots of Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) hardliners. But it seems we might have to wait until 2052 before it finds an editorialist who won't allow dictator worship to trump the historical record. In the meantime, gents, you might consider replacing the 120-year-old guy on life support who writes this stuff. I think he's losing his mind. For the love of all that is decent, turn off his machine.

  But you don't have to be an ossified media crank to bow before the might of China. It seems the world's most powerful medicos are also in thrall of the Central Kingdom. It's a terrible tale, my friends. Read on ...

  The World Health Assembly (WHA) gabfest, having ritually rejected Taiwan's advances, has now moved on to something like real work. To better understand the World Health Organization (WHO) -- the UN agency that implements Assembly policy -- in preparing this special WHA edition of NewsWatch, I had a close look at its Web site. And I found that Taiwan is almost non-existent. No surprises there.

  But then I discovered that Taiwan does make a cameo appearance -- in disguise.

  After a couple of hours of browsing, I came across a map in which all of China was colored blue. "Good heavens," I exclaimed, "has the pan-blue camp reclaimed China via the WHO? Those cunning foxes."

  But, sadly, it was not to be. The blue color meant something else entirely.

  There is a strange contraption that the WHO produces to help doctors, nurses and others in poor regions of the world. This rather imposing box of goodies, known as a "Blue Trunk," is a heavy-duty container chock full of practical medical literature that sells for US$2,000 a pop.

  What the map does is tell you where in the world the Blue Trunks are, and beneath it is a list that shows how many each country has. Most of them are in Africa, but there is also a smattering across Asia and the South Pacific. And China? The list says it has a grand total of two Blue Trunks.

  Here's the curious thing: China doesn't have any.

  Those two Blue Trunks are in Taiwan, according to a WHO PowerPoint document at 62.193.78.3/Library/BTL_Statistics2005.ppt, which gave the game away by indiscreetly adding "Taiwan" in parentheses after "China" on a map and global distribution list.

  So, according to the WHO's "Taiwan is China" dogma, that tasteful blue hue on the map is required to stretch from Hualien to the Xinjiang border.

  I e-mailed the WHO media relations unit in Geneva -- four different addresses, one after the other, with no answer -- about who purchased the two Blue Trunks. All these spokespeople for the WHO director-general have delightful photos, but none were able to locate the "reply" button on their computers (hmm, maybe I shouldn't have written "Dear Flunky WHO Assclowns").

  My dear PR friends, have you considered a job in the tobacco industry? You have absolutely everything it takes. (Here are some suggestions: R.J. Reynolds, British American Tobacco and, of course, the king of them all: China National Tobacco Co.)

  I thought blacklists were something of the past. Leftists in McCarthy-era America, democrats in Chiang-era Taiwan, Vanilla Ice in any era: All have been victims of this appalling attack on fundamental liberties.

  Only after coming out of a funk brought on by the suspicion that I, Johnny Neihu, was blacklisted by this august body, NewsWatch was able to confirm via sources in the Department of Health and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs that Taiwan does have those two Blue Trunks, one of which was said to probably be at the Centers for Disease Control in Taipei.

  I can also tell you that the idea of investing in Blue Trunks to further the nation's medical diplomacy was first aired no later than May 2003 by Dr. Jou-Fang Deng (鄧昭芳), head of the Taiwan International Medical Alliance, at a conference on how the WHO may have worsened the SARS debacle in Taiwan. So all this behind-the-scenes stuff has been going on for at least four years.

  Yesterday, NewsWatch finally gave up trying to use e-mail and called the WHO in Geneva for a response on all of this. A very nice person on the other line said that no e-mails had been received. Then, when the Blue Trunks were mentioned, the person suddenly remembered the e-mails and said they had been forwarded to another section of the organization, whose responsible officer was apparently out to lunch as NewsWatch's deadline loomed.

  Oh, and the nice person said that there was no policy of ignoring correspondence from Taiwan.

  Let's be blunt. The WHO really does have more important things to do than worry about cross-strait bullshit. I'll admit it even if the activists won't. There's a whole world of sickness and suffering out there, and even allowing for the threat of epidemics, the complaints of a wealthy and medically able country don't wash with doctors who have bona fide disasters on their hands every day of the year in Africa, Asia and Latin America. These guys are sick of China-Taiwan wrangling. And who can blame them? Not old Johnny.

  But it's about more than Taiwan. Other nations need to be alert. Why?

  Imagine a state that for years turned a blind eye to organ harvesting (no pun intended) and forcible abortions, incubated at least two modern epidemics and covers up or ignores others, lies about casualty rates and locations, jails and persecutes medical whistleblowers, boasts medicine counterfeiters whose global trail of death is in the thousands, showers weapons on genocidal governments (presently Sudan, but hey, how can we forget who armed Pol Pot?), has a healthcare system combining the very worst of capitalist greed and communist sloth, and is busy poisoning its environment so comprehensively that even the hardiest peasant can expect to become chronically sick as a dog.

  These are the guys who have the WHO by the balls.

  And right at the top, tugging away, is Director-General Margaret Chan (陳馮富珍). Ahh, being a Child of the Dragon and the boss of the WHO: If she gives Taiwan a leg-up in any way, she faces arrest next time she sets foot in China courtesy of its "Anti-Secession" Law. So you can be dead certain she'll behave herself. The real question is how enthusiastic she will be keeping China happy.

  But you can relax, Margaret, because doctors are exempt from the purview of Hippocrates if they become bureaucrats. So go ahead and knock yourself out.

  Be the Dragon.

  But first, let me ask you something. Are you aware that the Taiwanese government has purchased Blue Trunks from the WHO? Sources in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs told NewsWatch that (in addition to the two on home soil) Taiwan bought at least 70 Blue Trunks (worth about US$140,000) for its allies around the world, and -- as amazing as it sounds -- for some of China's allies in Africa.

  That source also said the WHO allowed the transactions but continues to block Taiwanese efforts to train workers because of Chinese objections. Negotiations over training and delivery are said to be ongoing, but in the meantime affected countries must approach the WHO directly for assistance because of the ban.

  I have no idea if Beijing knows about its allies' Blue Trunks, but if it doesn't and the Chinese lose face over this, I wonder if the Secretary-General will jump to attention when they order her to kill any negotiations and the sale of Blue Trunks to Taiwan.

  The wider question, however, is this: Why does Taiwan bother trying to join the WHO?

  Clearly there is some sympathy in that organization for Taiwan's case, but it amounts to little. Doesn't the government realize that, like so many of my former girlfriends, the WHO will only come a-knockin' if the Taiwanese play hard to get?

  I say ignore the WHO. Even if it invites Taiwan to join. And if its representatives should ask to visit Taiwan on a fence-mending expedition, they should be given a medical at the port of call, starting with a world-class cavity search. That'll touch their heart -- via points south.

  For advice on such procedures for those who lose their dignity, I turn to that obscure thinker from the Spring and Autumn Period, Master Kang Tzu (肛子), or, as he is occasionally rendered in English, Colonfucius (肛夫子). One of the earliest Chinese physician-cum-philosophers, his most important work is an unjustly neglected treatise on the distressed human body, from which I quote:

  The Master said (子曰)

  Expunge the rotten and level the uneven (除腐而平不平)

  For then can we not feel quiescence? (焉不知安靜乎)

  Flush the orifice and straighten the rod (清穴而挺兵仗)

  For then can we not know the Way of Kang? (何不知肛道乎)

  I expect any WHO emissaries sent here would struggle to locate this vital work, informally known as the Sore Ring Cycle.

  But anything that keeps them from appeasing China and mimicking the protagonists of Nineteen Eighty-Four would be time healthily spent.

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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