The most appalling thing has happened, and China is to blame. I have yet to work out which senior Politburo member is responsible for the act of war, but know this: David Beckham’s image is being used to promote knock-off Viagra in Chinese TV adverts.
I need hardly add that it is without his consent — a kind of unauthorized annexation by the People’s Republic of one of Western culture’s most valuable resources: the Beckhams’ image rights. And so to the detail. What the manufacturers of the Chinese anti-impotence drug USA Selikon have done is taken interview footage of Beckham and dubbed it into Chinese to suggest that he’s saying something else entirely. Also involved are Sir Sean Connery of the Bahamas and my beloved idiot savant Keanu Reeves, but we’ll go to Beckham first, as he might be judged the linchpin of the ad.
Facing the camera, the erstwhile England captain purports to ask: “Want to know how I can keep strong and running on the football field?”
Hmm ... Is it something to do with the special supplements they give you at Milan? It’s like Cocoon up at their training center.
Alas, that doesn’t appear to be the answer.
“USA Selikon capsules help me a lot,” Beckham explains. “It’s also the secret weapon with which I can satisfy Victoria.”
Did you ever hear such effrontery? Next up is Keanu Reeves, and an interview culled from footage so animated that you’d think it was Keanu explaining his craft on Inside the Actor’s Studio, though I am confused to note he has yet to receive the call-up from that most venerable of unwatchable TV shows.
“The feelings after my kidneys got washed by USA Selikon capsules are surprising,” Keanu declaims. “And my girlfriends were also surprised.”
He really owns the line.
And finally, Sir Sean, who is made to say: “I turned 70 this year. But with the help of USA Selikon capsules, I was praised by Barbara that I’m still the James Bond, forever 25. I have told all my old friends, ‘You should try USA Selikon capsules.’”
Heaven knows who Barbara is — Sean has been married to Micheline Roquebrune for more than 30 years. But the point is, this aggression will not stand.
When Beckham does adverts, he does things like dress up as a slutty gladiator for Pepsi, draw his life story on a Perspex wall with a big crayon for Adidas, and talk about how horrid it was after he got sent off in the World Cup in 1998, but saying that “after I scored the goal against Greece, all the sports writers, they just stood up and started clapping me” — even though nobody who was sitting in the press box at the time recalls this happening. When Beckham does adverts, he does things like splay his legs open while wearing the tightest Armani underwear, while his wife goes on chatshows to explain, “I’m proud to see his penis 25 feet [7.5m] tall.”
Do you see, China? David Beckham does classy adverts. He’d find your ginseng-Viagra cocktail frightfully infra dig.
More to the point, this kind of thing threatens to shut off one of the most lucrative career choices for big Western stars: namely, the ability to whore oneself about in dodgy overseas adverts that one’s home fanbase will hopefully never see. See Sir Sean’s “Suntory time” whisky adverts, so uncharitably sent up in Lost in Translation.
Doesn’t it just disgust you when emerging markets refuse to play by the rules of economies that basically invented capitalism? Have a little respect, China! We worked damn hard to build the kind of world where celebrities can rent themselves out for millions to push products by the likes of Nestle — loving your work, George Clooney. You can’t just come along and start faking that kind of insincerity.
Or can’t they? We learn from his representatives that that Connery “will seek compensation for the damages,” and Beckham is said to be considering similar action. But legal experts say Chinese copyright law is Byzantine in its complexity, if we might mix our civilizations for a moment, and it would be the most monumental folly for Beckham not to simply walk away from this case. Lost in Showbiz is more than willing to go along with this reading, as it enjoys the image of a solicitous friend — fellow England soccer player Gary Neville, probably — leading David away from the mire with the immortal words: “Forget it, Becks. It’s Chinatown.”
NO RECIPROCITY: Taipei has called for cross-strait group travel to resume fully, but Beijing is only allowing people from its Fujian Province to travel to Matsu, the MAC said The Mainland Affairs Council (MAC) yesterday criticized an announcement by the Chinese Ministry of Culture and Tourism that it would lift a travel ban to Taiwan only for residents of China’s Fujian Province, saying that the policy does not meet the principles of reciprocity and openness. Chinese Deputy Minister of Culture and Tourism Rao Quan (饒權) yesterday morning told a delegation of Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) lawmakers in a meeting in Beijing that the ministry would first allow Fujian residents to visit Lienchiang County (Matsu), adding that they would be able to travel to Taiwan proper directly once express ferry
STUMPED: KMT and TPP lawmakers approved a resolution to suspend the rate hike, which the government said was unavoidable in view of rising global energy costs The Ministry of Economic Affairs yesterday said it has a mandate to raise electricity prices as planned after the legislature passed a non-binding resolution along partisan lines to freeze rates. Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) lawmakers proposed the resolution to suspend the price hike, which passed by a 59-50 vote. The Taiwan People’s Party (TPP) voted with the KMT. Legislative Speaker Han Kuo-yu (韓國瑜) of the KMT said the resolution is a mandate for the “immediate suspension of electricity price hikes” and for the Executive Yuan to review its energy policy and propose supplementary measures. A government-organized electricity price evaluation board in March
FAST RELEASE: The council lauded the developer for completing model testing in only four days and releasing a commercial version for use by academia and industry The National Science and Technology Council (NSTC) yesterday released the latest artificial intelligence (AI) language model in traditional Chinese embedded with Taiwanese cultural values. The council launched the Trustworthy AI Dialogue Engine (TAIDE) program in April last year to develop and train traditional Chinese-language models based on LLaMA, the open-source AI language model released by Meta. The program aims to tackle the information bias that is often present in international large-scale language models and take Taiwanese culture and values into consideration, it said. Llama 3-TAIDE-LX-8B-Chat-Alpha1, released yesterday, is the latest large language model in traditional Chinese. It was trained based on Meta’s Llama-3-8B
NOVEL METHODS: The PLA has adopted new approaches and recently conducted three combat readiness drills at night which included aircraft and ships, an official said Taiwan is monitoring China’s People’s Liberation Army (PLA) exercises for changes in their size or pattern as the nation prepares for president-elect William Lai’s (賴清德) inauguration on May 20, National Security Bureau (NSB) Director-General Tsai Ming-yen (蔡明彥) said yesterday. Tsai made the comment at a meeting of the Legislative Yuan’s Foreign Affairs and National Defense Committee, in response to Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) Legislator Wang Ting-yu’s (王定宇) questions. China continues to employ a carrot-and-stick approach, in which it applies pressure with “gray zone” tactics, while attempting to entice Taiwanese with perks, Tsai said. These actions aim to help Beijing look like it has