Prince William may be the most eligible man in Britain, but would he give me good-looking children? Unfortunately, the answer is no.
Those aristocratically fleshy noses, the lantern jaws -- and don't even get me started on those chins. So, with apologies to the royal one, I must cross him off my list of prospective partners -- well, it's a harsh world out there and one has to take into account a variety of considerations when choosing a partner.
Conveniently, a computer program is now on hand to help us all do just that.
Predict Your Child, a program designed by two researchers at Stirling University in Scotland, allows couples to see what their future offspring could look like. It does cost a small fee -- ?25 -- but how can one put a price on knowing you are not wasting your time with someone who would give you unattractive kids?
The researchers, Charlie Frowd and Peter Hancock, were inspired to create the software by their work helping to identify criminals.
"We had been working for some time with a very sophisticated photofit computer program in which we could mix features of different faces as directed by the victims in order to draw up a picture of the criminal, and we thought, why can't we do this cross-breeding with normal people?" said Frowd.
Using a photograph of each of the future parents, the researchers give the program a set of "genes," or parameters, that describe the faces. The software then randomly mixes up the genes and produces an image of the result.
Accuracy, apparently, is not guaranteed.
"Each time the computer produces a different result because the genes are mixed differently, as in reality," said Dr Frowd.
The researchers have not yet tested it on a couple who already have children to see how closely the computer's predictions match the real thing.
And so far, no couples have decided to end their relationships when faced with unfortunate looking children, "and I very much hope none do," Frowd said.
But let's cut to the point: are there any tricks for producing more attractive children?
"I don't think there are any guarantees," Frowd said. "Each time you breed, the kids will look different. Sometimes a child looks not very attractive, other times they look like a model."
So the trick is to have lots of children and hope that you hit the target eventually?
"Yes."
But this sounds too vague for me. The most common theory (in the world of women's magazines, anyway) is that one should look for an alpha partner, and you surely can't get more alpha than the future ruler of the realm, Prince William.
But unfortunately, even combined with my peasant genes, I wouldn't find our children's posh-English looks attractive. Frowd agreed: "They do have a kind of Windsor influence and I don't think that family is very attractive," he said.
Perhaps I need to update my definition of "alpha." So what about a more modern kind of royalty, like the current king of British pop music, Pete Doherty, formerly of The Libertines? The British music magazine NME has just this week anointed him "Cool Icon of 2004" -- and you can't get more alpha than that.
So I push Wills away and breed with Pete and, predictably, I produce beautiful children with this "punk soap opera spiked with criminality, heroin and homoeroticism," to use a recent magazine description.
I wonder where "punk soap operas" hang out these days. Sorry mum, but you just can't fight genetics.
NO HUMAN ERROR: After the incident, the Coast Guard Administration said it would obtain uncrewed aerial vehicles and vessels to boost its detection capacity Authorities would improve border control to prevent unlawful entry into Taiwan’s waters and safeguard national security, the Mainland Affairs Council (MAC) said yesterday after a Chinese man reached the nation’s coast on an inflatable boat, saying he “defected to freedom.” The man was found on a rubber boat when he was about to set foot on Taiwan at the estuary of Houkeng River (後坑溪) near Taiping Borough (太平) in New Taipei City’s Linkou District (林口), authorities said. The Coast Guard Administration’s (CGA) northern branch said it received a report at 6:30am yesterday morning from the New Taipei City Fire Department about a
IN BEIJING’S FAVOR: A China Coast Guard spokesperson said that the Chinese maritime police would continue to carry out law enforcement activities in waters it claims The Philippines withdrew its coast guard vessel from a South China Sea shoal that has recently been at the center of tensions with Beijing. BRP Teresa Magbanua “was compelled to return to port” from Sabina Shoal (Xianbin Shoal, 仙濱暗沙) due to bad weather, depleted supplies and the need to evacuate personnel requiring medical care, the Philippine Coast Guard (PCG) spokesman Jay Tarriela said yesterday in a post on X. The Philippine vessel “will be in tiptop shape to resume her mission” after it has been resupplied and repaired, Philippine Executive Secretary Lucas Bersamin, who heads the nation’s maritime council, said
CHINA POLICY: At the seventh US-EU Dialogue on China, the two sides issued strong support for Taiwan and condemned China’s actions in the South China Sea The US and EU issued a joint statement on Wednesday supporting Taiwan’s international participation, notably omitting the “one China” policy in a departure from previous similar statements, following high-level talks on China and the Indo-Pacific region. The statement also urged China to show restraint in the Taiwan Strait. US Deputy Secretary of State Kurt Campbell and European External Action Service Secretary-General Stefano Sannino cochaired the seventh US-EU Dialogue on China and the sixth US-EU Indo-Pacific Consultations from Monday to Tuesday. Since the Indo-Pacific consultations were launched in 2021, references to the “one China” policy have appeared in every statement apart from the
More than 500 people on Saturday marched in New York in support of Taiwan’s entry to the UN, significantly more people than previous years. The march, coinciding with the ongoing 79th session of the UN General Assembly, comes close on the heels of growing international discourse regarding the meaning of UN Resolution 2758. Resolution 2758, adopted by the UN General Assembly in 1971, recognizes the People’s Republic of China (PRC) as the “only lawful representative of China.” It resulted in the Republic of China (ROC) losing its seat at the UN to the PRC. Taiwan has since been excluded from