Prince William may be the most eligible man in Britain, but would he give me good-looking children? Unfortunately, the answer is no.
Those aristocratically fleshy noses, the lantern jaws -- and don't even get me started on those chins. So, with apologies to the royal one, I must cross him off my list of prospective partners -- well, it's a harsh world out there and one has to take into account a variety of considerations when choosing a partner.
Conveniently, a computer program is now on hand to help us all do just that.
Predict Your Child, a program designed by two researchers at Stirling University in Scotland, allows couples to see what their future offspring could look like. It does cost a small fee -- ?25 -- but how can one put a price on knowing you are not wasting your time with someone who would give you unattractive kids?
The researchers, Charlie Frowd and Peter Hancock, were inspired to create the software by their work helping to identify criminals.
"We had been working for some time with a very sophisticated photofit computer program in which we could mix features of different faces as directed by the victims in order to draw up a picture of the criminal, and we thought, why can't we do this cross-breeding with normal people?" said Frowd.
Using a photograph of each of the future parents, the researchers give the program a set of "genes," or parameters, that describe the faces. The software then randomly mixes up the genes and produces an image of the result.
Accuracy, apparently, is not guaranteed.
"Each time the computer produces a different result because the genes are mixed differently, as in reality," said Dr Frowd.
The researchers have not yet tested it on a couple who already have children to see how closely the computer's predictions match the real thing.
And so far, no couples have decided to end their relationships when faced with unfortunate looking children, "and I very much hope none do," Frowd said.
But let's cut to the point: are there any tricks for producing more attractive children?
"I don't think there are any guarantees," Frowd said. "Each time you breed, the kids will look different. Sometimes a child looks not very attractive, other times they look like a model."
So the trick is to have lots of children and hope that you hit the target eventually?
"Yes."
But this sounds too vague for me. The most common theory (in the world of women's magazines, anyway) is that one should look for an alpha partner, and you surely can't get more alpha than the future ruler of the realm, Prince William.
But unfortunately, even combined with my peasant genes, I wouldn't find our children's posh-English looks attractive. Frowd agreed: "They do have a kind of Windsor influence and I don't think that family is very attractive," he said.
Perhaps I need to update my definition of "alpha." So what about a more modern kind of royalty, like the current king of British pop music, Pete Doherty, formerly of The Libertines? The British music magazine NME has just this week anointed him "Cool Icon of 2004" -- and you can't get more alpha than that.
So I push Wills away and breed with Pete and, predictably, I produce beautiful children with this "punk soap opera spiked with criminality, heroin and homoeroticism," to use a recent magazine description.
I wonder where "punk soap operas" hang out these days. Sorry mum, but you just can't fight genetics.
NO-LIMITS PARTNERSHIP: ‘The bottom line’ is that if the US were to have a conflict with China or Russia it would likely open up a second front with the other, a US senator said Beijing and Moscow could cooperate in a conflict over Taiwan, the top US intelligence chief told the US Senate this week. “We see China and Russia, for the first time, exercising together in relation to Taiwan and recognizing that this is a place where China definitely wants Russia to be working with them, and we see no reason why they wouldn’t,” US Director of National Intelligence Avril Haines told a US Senate Committee on Armed Services hearing on Thursday. US Senator Mike Rounds asked Haines about such a potential scenario. He also asked US Defense Intelligence Agency Director Lieutenant General Jeffrey Kruse
INSPIRING: Taiwan has been a model in the Asia-Pacific region with its democratic transition, free and fair elections and open society, the vice president-elect said Taiwan can play a leadership role in the Asia-Pacific region, vice president-elect Hsiao Bi-khim (蕭美琴) told a forum in Taipei yesterday, highlighting the nation’s resilience in the face of geopolitical challenges. “Not only can Taiwan help, but Taiwan can lead ... not only can Taiwan play a leadership role, but Taiwan’s leadership is important to the world,” Hsiao told the annual forum hosted by the Center for Asia-Pacific Resilience and Innovation think tank. Hsiao thanked Taiwan’s international friends for their long-term support, citing the example of US President Joe Biden last month signing into law a bill to provide aid to Taiwan,
China’s intrusive and territorial claims in the Indo-Pacific region are “illegal, coercive, aggressive and deceptive,” new US Indo-Pacific Commander Admiral Samuel Paparo said on Friday, adding that he would continue working with allies and partners to keep the area free and open. Paparo made the remarks at a change-of-command ceremony at Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam in Hawaii, where he took over the command from Admiral John Aquilino. “Our world faces a complex problem set in the troubling actions of the People’s Republic of China [PRC] and its rapid buildup of forces. We must be ready to answer the PRC’s increasingly intrusive and
STATE OF THE NATION: The legislature should invite the president to deliver an address every year, the TPP said, adding that Lai should also have to answer legislators’ questions The Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) yesterday proposed inviting president-elect William Lai (賴清德) to make a historic first state of the nation address at the legislature following his inauguration on May 20. Lai is expected to face many domestic and international challenges, and should clarify his intended policies with the public’s representatives, KMT caucus secretary-general Hung Meng-kai (洪孟楷) said when making the proposal at a meeting of the legislature’s Procedure Committee. The committee voted to add the item to the agenda for Friday, along with another similar proposal put forward by the Taiwan People’s Party (TPP). The invitation is in line with Article 15-2