"When I needed him most, he never said a word of encouragement to me," romance novelist Liao Hui-ying (廖輝英) said, recalling a low point in her marriage. At the time, she was a 39-year-old, struggling to adapt to a foreign country as a visiting scholar at Cambridge University in the UK -- and fruitlessly seeking support from her husband.
As romance faded from her then decade-long marriage, Liao nearly succumbed to an extramarital affair.
Speaking to a crowd of reporters in Taipei yesterday, Liao laughed as she remembered going wild over a love letter from an admirer in Saudi Arabia whom she had never met.
"I was torn for two weeks, wondering if I should abandon my husband, leave my child in the nursing school, abort my baby and go to Saudi Arabia to pursue another life," she said.
The temptation passed, and Liao eventually made it through her marital crisis.
But her experience speaks to the lukewarm relationship often seen in middle-aged couples.
Unsatisfied Couples
According to a survey on the middle-aged couples' marriage co-conducted by Liao and released yesterday, more than 50 percent of married couples 40 and older consider their marital intimacy both unsatisfactory and unimportant.
The survey of 300 middle-aged couples in Taipei, Taichung and Kaohsiung indicated that financial security is a higher priority than mutual trust and intimacy for a "good" marriage.
Although 49 percent of husbands and 67 percent of wives surveyed think frequent, intimate conversations can spice up a stale marriage, couples' conversation more often revolves around child-raising problems and finances.
"They do talk," said Liao. "But they talk about how to tighten their household budget and which cram school they should send their children to. Few do pillow talk to sweeten their marriage."
Low Enthusiasm
Despite low levels of satisfaction with their marital intimacy, 53 percent of the husband and 47 percent of the wives do not see the need to rekindle their passion, said the report.
"Strangers sleeping in the same bed for a long time, they don't think it is possible and necessary to make a change anymore," said Liao, noting that dampened enthusiasm often results from a perfunctory attitude toward marriage after more than a decade together.
The survey showed that although many think sex plays a key role in marriage, some 20 percent of married individuals do not enjoy sex with their husband or wife.
Both after-work fatigue and a lack of romantic atmosphere helps extinguish the desire for sex, snuffing out the last flicker of excitement from a stifled marriage.
Bare Necessities
"A happy family cannot exist without sex," said Edwin Yen (晏涵文), executive director of Mercy Memorial Foundation, a non-governmental organization that has worked to broaden sex education in campus and society alike for fifteen years.
"Sensual pleasure and the spiritual affinity that sex brings are vital to a marriage, whether the couple are newlyweds or later in life," he said.
Problems Common
The report also suggests that some couples encounter physical difficulties yet remain unwilling to tackle them.
The report revealed that 28 percent of the husbands surveyed experienced sexual problems, but only 7 percent admitted to erectile dysfunction.
According to Wu Chih-hsing (吳至行), associate professor in the Department of Family Care in National Cheng Kung University Medical Center, that figure is actually much higher.
"Many men dare not walk into the clinic to treat their erectile dysfunction," said Wu. "The first person they go for help is usually their friends. Or they simply buy some over-the-counter medicine."
What To Do
The way to breathe fresh life into a stagnant marriage, said experts, is to take more intimate care of each other, and use sweet words frequently with one's spouse.
In time, that extra effort can really pay off in bringing couples closer together.
Liao recalled how one day, when she was reading newspapers in the living room, her husband suddenly came up to her.
"Thank you for all the work you have done for us," he told her.
Liao told reporters, "That was far more valuable than the Tiffany brooch he gave me."
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