The second round of FIFA World Cup group matches are over and reigning champions Spain have exited, as have England, while Costa Rica have surprised everybody by qualifying for the round-of-16 already, but we’re not going to be covering that here, oh no, Johnny’s asking the question on everybody’s lips this week — well it’s not, but it should be — What the hell is going on at Japan’s team hotel?
Apparently, Shinji Kagawa was so dejected after the Asian champs lost their opener against Ivory Coast that his teammates invited him to jump in the tub together to wash away the blues, Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported.
Striker Yoshito Okubo offered some consoling (really?) words during the soak, while defender Yuto Nagatomo also hopped in as Okubo gave Kagawa the naked truth about his performance.
In a Nikkan Sports article titled “Okubo gives Kagawa the love whip,” the soapy, homoerotic heart-to-heart reportedly did the trick, shaking Kagawa out of his funk.
“I spoke with Shinji,” Okubo said. “He was really depressed, but he’s looking forward now. If he doesn’t do the business, Japan have no chance.”
“You were absolutely useless,” Okubo — not a qualified psychologist — was quoted as telling the Manchester United midfielder. “You really were, but don’t get down about it. You can’t turn back the clock, so put a smile on your face. Get it out of your system.”
Well, that’d do it for me. Let’s face it, though, the Japanese have previous. Former Japanese prime minister Junichiro Koizumi stumbled in on the team’s celebrations after they beat Russia 1-0 at the 2002 finals, but it didn’t prevent him giving a naked Junichi Inamoto a congratulatory hug, while Japan fans also got naked, stripping off to jump into rivers to celebrate the team’s run to the round-of-16 that same year.
Maybe all this “bonding” at Japan’s hotel explains an NBS TV report from the US that a condom sporting the host nation’s national colors and flavored with its signature cocktail, the caipirinha, is selling out. Apparently, since the condom debuted in February, about 2.1 million units have been sold.
It’s possible some have been exported to Chile after the International Business Times reported that porn star Marlen Doll on Wednesday last week promised 16 hours of sex with Chile supporters if their team pulled off (unfortunate phrase I know) a victory over Spain.
It’s making me tired just thinking about it. (Well stop thinking about it then: Ed.)
Apparently, Twitter blocked Doll’s account after she posted a series of X-rated pictures, most documenting her World Cup celebration.
Meanwhile, veteran Italian porn star Silvio Berl... hang on, I read that wrong ... Rocco Siffredi has taken a different tack: He has promised not to have sex as a sign of his support for Italy’s national team.
“Guys, I’ve had thousands of orgasms, but there is one I will never forget. The one I had with all of you. Do you remember when we won the World Cup in 2006?” Siffredi said in a video on Facebook.
And I thought the Naples garbage workers strike was messy.
“So for that collective orgasm [to happen again] I am prepared to go without my orgasms,” he said.
What a sacrifice.
Someone else causing trouble on Twitter was Dutch actress Nicolette van Dam, who resigned as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador on Thursday last week after a scandal erupted over her tweet of a doctored photograph seeming to depict two Colombia players snorting cocaine, AFP reported.
“Ms Van Dam resigned as goodwill ambassador for UNICEF and regrets the message forwarded yesterday,” UNICEF’s Colombia office tweeted.
In a statement, the organization also offered its “most sincere apologies” to Colombia players Radamel Falcao and James Rodriguez, who featured in the altered photo.
Colombia demanded that UNICEF sack the actress over the image, in which the two players are seen prostrate on the pitch snorting the spray that World Cup referees are using to draw lines at free-kicks.
“The lady has crossed the line,” Colombian Ambassador to the UN Maria Emma Mejia told local radio, with no hint of irony.
Also getting hot under the collar was Sky Sports News presenter Bryan Swanson after security staff at the Estadio Maracana confiscated a clothes hanger he planned to use to keep his shirt pristine for a live TV report, Reuters reported.
Swanson also had a banana taken from his bag two days previously, cheeky monkey.
“We arrived nice and early to get in through the X-ray machines and metal detectors,” Swanson said.
“We had a banana banned the other day and now they wouldn’t allow me in with a wooden coat-hanger because they said it was a security risk. I just want to look as smart as I can and not go on television wearing a crumpled shirt. They allowed me in with all our cables — I could strangle someone with them, couldn’t I?” he said threateningly.
It seems that the World Cup is also helping in the global fight against crime, with Brazilian police arresting a suspected Mexican drug trafficker wanted by the US as he headed to a game, AFP reported.
Jose Diaz Barajas, 49, was caught late on Monday last week at Rio de Janeiro Airport before he could board a flight to the city of Fortaleza, where Brazil were playing Mexico the next day. That’s what I call a (stupid) die-hard supporter.
Meanwhile, a town in western Kenya reported a sharp drop in serious crime, with police concluding that criminals were too busy watching the games to pinch anything.
Kisumu police boss Musa Kongoli told the Star that since the tournament began he had not handled any “very serious” cases, “apart from an incident where a police officer shot dead a soccer fan” at a video store following a contretemps.
That’s the spirit, create your own crime if nobody else can be bothered.
With protests continuing in the host nation, four Brazilian soccer fans had more reason than most to bemoan their country’s lack of investment in infrastructure.
The Associated Press reported that a rain-soaked street collapsed under two cars in host city Natal. A fire department official said four local fans were in one of the cars, which had just parked after they had driven to Natal to watch Japan play Greece on Thursday last week.
None of them were hurt, though the car was partially buried by dirt after falling into the hole.
There was no information on whether they got to see the match — Japan 0, Greece 0 — but if they did, what an end to a perfect day.
Across the Taiwan Strait, the time difference has handed Chinese wheeler-dealers a lucrative opportunity — selling fake sick notes to fans staying up all night to watch games.
A search by AFP for “Beijing” and “sick notes service” returned 49,500 results on Chinese search engine Baidu on Thursday last week, with vendors providing photocopies of hospital certificates with official stamps and doctor’s signatures in their “product catalogues.”
The soon-to-be-unwell can choose from a range of illnesses and conditions, from fever and fractures, to abortion and SARS. Nice.
A vendor told the Beijing Youth Daily that she sold about 30 sick notes a day and posted pictures of piles of delivery receipts as proof, while another told the paper: “Many people buy this. It’s very reliable.”
Unlike Chinese employees, obviously. I’ve long suspected similar shenanigans at Taipei Towers — no names, no pack drill.
In a cautionary tale, Pakistan’s SAMAA TV reported that a 25-year-old Chinese man died after staying up until the early hours watching World Cup matches. The man was found dead by his parents in his room with the TV still running. The heartbroken parents told reporters he had been staying awake for consecutive nights watching the games.
Yikes.
Doctors concluded that he likely died of exhaustion or heart attack as a direct result of staying up too late, a little too often. Double yikes.
Over to India, where Mumbai youngster John Raphael is apparently the new Paul the Octopus after he foresaw Marcelo’s own-goal for Brazil against Croatia in the opening match an hour before it happened.
“Initially, I thought Marcelo will score for Brazil, but then I felt that it was going to be for Croatia instead and went online with it,” the 21-year-old told the Deccan Chronicle, while insisting that he is “no psychic.”
We’ll be the judge of that — you’re not.
While bad for crime, the World Cup is good for the environment, though not the bank account of the Salvador City Government.
The goals have been flying in at the Arena Fonte Nova and AFP reported that according to ESPN Brazil, the local government promised to plant 1,111 new trees for every goal scored in the World Cup venue, up to a maximum of 31,111.
“This quantity allows for an average of five goals per game, more than the World Cup average of 2.86,” a local government statement said.
Eat this.
France’s 5-2 win against Switzerland on Friday took the total number of goals scored in Salvador to 17 in just three matches, which translates to 18,887 trees and counting.
Five a game, you fools. The good news — the Arena Fonte Nova hosts Bosnia and Herzegovina’s clash with Iran in Group F tomorrow.
Finally, Brazil have won five World Cups, but for one family it’s just not enough, Reuters reported.
Fourteen members of the Da Silva family — yes count them, and boy can they — were born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot thanks to a rare genetic condition. The Da Silvas, who live near Brasilia, are staunchly proud of their additional digits, as they believe this can help the national team win their sixth title at the Maracana in Rio de Janeiro next month.
“We are giving so much energy for Brazil to win the Cup, and I believe this energy will flow on to the pitch and they will play really well and win their sixth World Cup,” 28-year-old Ana Carolina Santos da Silva said at the family home in Aguas Claras on Friday, where her well-endowed relatives laid their hands on a Brazil shirt.
Fifteen-year-old Joao de Assis da Silva wants to be a goalkeeper.
“Everyone in Brazil loves football and wants to be a footballer as well when they grow up,” he said. “Having six fingers has helped me a lot playing football. I can hold the ball more easily, my hands are bigger than other people’s, so it’s easier to reach up to get balls that go over my head.”
Maybe Russia’s fumbler-in-chief Igor Akinfeev should consider a graft.
Far from fearing discrimination, grandmother Silvia Santos da Silva says family members born without a sixth appendage feel like the odd ones out.
“My father always looked upon this as something natural and for us, people with five fingers are the ones that are abnormal. For example, my grandson who has five fingers, feels excluded from the family,” she said.
He just can’t play the recorder as well as the other kids.
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