Sat, Jun 19, 2010 page19

• Johnny Foreigner's World Cup Odyssey: Some candy, some chocolate and a 1980s clock radio

  • By Johnny Foreigner
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  “Johnny wake up … Johnny, you’ve got to write your column.”

  “What, eh … have we run out of beer? What’s going on ...?”

  So the first week of the World Cup is over and, if you’re anything like me, you’ve had far too little sleep and far too much beer, but has it been worth it?

  Well, yes and no — but down to the nitty gritty: How does it compare to 2002 and 2006 (the other finals that Johnny has viewed from this fair isle?)

  Well, the major difference is the ad man has been banished from the scene and Johnny says hallelujah to that. Those of you who have been here for previous World Cups will remember those bloody annoying ads that used to interrupt games at will when our friends at ERA and MUCH broadcast our beloved footie.

  It seems they are no more, they’ve disappeared faster than tourists from Florida’s beaches. Same inane commentary, though, I’m reliably informed (Johnny’s Chinese isn’t up to much.)

  Gone are the days of the wretched “Pinky Pinky” candy ad of 2006 appearing in the middle of games — like a beaver on acid gnawing away inside your head. What I still can’t understand is what the “Pinky Pinky” ad guru’s target demographic was at 2am in the morning?

  My best guess is they were relying on the higher echelons of the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT), who as we discovered last week are big fans of all things World Cup-related that are down and dirty. I’m reliably informed that many like nothing better than to settle down in the early hours with some candy or chocolate.

  Now this year we have a new innovation. Our good friends at ELTA on Chunghwa Telecom’s MOD system are bringing us games with English commentary.

  It was a less-than-spectacular start, though.

  Mrs Foreigner and Johnny Junior took in the first half of the opening match of the tournament between the vuvuzela-blowing hosts and Mexico. By the time Johnny arrived home to watch the second half, Junior had been banished to bed and the missus already had a complaint.

  Apparently there was no score or time on the screen and indeed Mrs Foreigner was right. Memories of happier days flooded back, when we didn’t have all these new-fangled slow-mo replays and statistics weren’t thrown at you every five minutes. The game was enough back then and you’d never have had a team in yellow playing a team in white, like we saw on Wednesday night (Note to younger readers: People still had black and white TVs in the old days. Indeed, pre-Twitter, we actually used to go outside with our mates, in actual reality not virtual, and play a game after the match had finished. I kid you not.)

  This apparent oversight, however, was rectified by the time France played — and I use the term loosely — Uruguay.

  Obviously, not only was Mrs Foreigner enraged by this oversight, many others were too, and ELTA pulled out all the stops — to provide viewers with what I can only describe as a shot of an old-fashioned early ’80s clock radio on the bottom-right corner of their high-definition broadcast, taking Johnny back to the good ol’ days when England had a goalkeeper who could catch a ball and you could always rely on Scotland to make the finals, then fly home after two weeks.

  Unfortunately, this first-day cobbled-together masterpiece has now been replaced by bog-standard 21st century technology, and more’s the pity.

  So what of the first week?

  Well, for what’s it’s worth, here’s Johnny’s round-up of Week 1.

  Best goal celebration

  There hasn’t really been one, has there? Mind you, there haven’t been many goals. Best I can recollect (and that’s tough) is Siphiwe Tshabalala’s celebration after scoring the first goal of the finals for the hosts. Pity they couldn’t hold on and then got thumped in their second match.

  Nothing to compare with Roger Milla’s corner-flag dance in 1990 or even Bebeto’s “rocking baby” celebration in 1994.

  I understand England were going to adopt the Brazilian’s infamous routine, but there were concerns that John Terry would be knackered after having to run the length of the pitch to join in each time, just in case he was the father.

  Heroes of the week

  Well, the Germans were a shoo-in for this one after a ruthlessly efficient display in their opener against the Aussies, but their near neighbors the Swiss get the nod after hardly touching the ball against the Spanish, while still doing the most important thing — putting it in the back of the net.

  North Korea also need to be mentioned after a spirited defensive rearguard against Brazil. I’m not sure if the “People’s Rooney” Jong Tae-se was crying his eyes out during the national anthem for the plight of his compatriots back home or because he was so proud to represent his “Dear Leader.”

  Oh, and the cameraman who had to shoot that clock radio for 90 minutes.

  Flops of the week

  Where do you start?

  England’s Wayne Rooney was a virtual recluse and Robert Green had the guys and gals at the Oxford English Dictionary working overtime to add a new definition of “green fingers.”

  Cristiano Ronaldo had a long-range shot that hit the post against Ivory Coast, before apparently starting his summer holiday early.

  At least Lionel Messi turned up for Argentina, although he may need to be provided with a GPS system directing him to goal.

  Headline writers’ dream player

  Chile defender Waldo Ponce.

  Where’s Waldo ... anyone?

  Rant of the week

  Apparently, even if your dog doesn’t like you, best to go after former players like a rottweiler. Our old friend Diego Maradona has been at it again, saying Pele should “go back to the museum” after he was quoted as claiming Maradona had only taken the job as Argentina coach because he needed the money.

  The mad one also had time to react to negative comments about his coaching ability by UEFA boss Michel Platini.

  “We all know how the French are, and Platini is French and he thinks he is better than the rest,” he told reporters.

  Villain of the week

  Apart from the bloke who stole Johnny’s beer the other night (you know who you are) and the John Tung Foundation, both the I.R. Bentley Award for Bad Refereeing and the Villain of the Week Award have to go to referee Marco Rodriguez of Mexico, who gave a straight red card to Australia’s Tim Cahill for a tackle that was mistimed at best.

  No studs, no intent, just a bit late.

  It may not have made a difference in the match against Germany, but losing arguably their best player for their second match may have ended the Aussies’ chances altogether.

  Shame on you.

  Worst team of the week

  France, of course.

  As Granny Foreigner used to say: “Cheats never prosper.”
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