The dress
Might be from Jigsaw, where Kate used to work as something called “an accessories buyer,” which I think is code name for “spy.” More likely to be a pile of gold in the shape of a dress.
The venue
For the service it has to be Westminster Abbey, where there are 3,000 bodies under the floor. For the party, Boujis, the South Kensington nightclub where there are 3,000 bodies on the floor.
The best man’s speech
Will probably be delivered in bray, but with subtitles. May actually be delivered by a horse, or, more likely, by Prince Harry, but hopefully not in full Nazi regalia. Prince Harry cannot actually talk, so expect him to mime to someone else’s voice.
The embarrassing relative
Possibly the Duke of Edinburgh, with his nice line in equality and human rights patter: “What’s it like to be middle-class?” Could be upstaged by Kate’s mother Carole saying, “Pardon,” when she means, “Get out of my face.” But most likely to be Gary Goldsmith, Kate’s uncle via Carole, who allegedly lives in Ibiza in a house called La Maison de Bang Bang.
The upstager
The queen, whose jewels can blind at thirty paces, turning her into a kind of Dr Who villain.
The celebrity guest
Stephen Fry, who gets on well with the queen, because his accent is even madder than hers. Or Vanessa Redgrave, whose toe-level curtsey to Prince William at the Baftas in February set a new record for gruesome toadying.
The first dance
Dancing Queen by Abba: “You can dance! You can dance!” Except Prince William surely can’t dance. No posh boy can. He will resemble a faulty electric cable lying in a puddle.
The cake
A life-sized Victoria sponge in the shape of a Sea King helicopter so Prince William, who is in the Royal Air Force, can pretend he is flying it.
The kiss
On the balcony at Buckingham Palace, the prince will take his princess in his manly royal arms and mutter, “Pucker up, love, we’re live on Sky.”
The souvenirs
A Prince William and Princess Kate themed bathplug from the It’s More Than a Pound Shop in London’s up-market Chelsea district. Don’t you want a Prince William plug? What’s wrong with you?
The sponsors
If Prince Charles has spent all his profits from Duchy Originals Cheddar Cheese Nibbles on hoes and cufflinks, Unilever should sponsor the wedding, because when I look at Kate Middleton, I think of Persil Automatic. And when I look at Prince William, I think of the Lynx Effect.
The mystery
Is Kate Jewish? Carole’s mother is a Goldsmith, although apparently the Goldsmiths have married in church for several generations. This is totally irrelevant under the circumstances. Expect big coverage in the Jewish Chronicle as Britain embraces its first slightly real Jewish Princess.
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