Millennials are plodding the well-worn path back to their parents’ house amid high rent and economic uncertainty — raising the awkward question of how to share household expenses when your parents are your landlords.
During the early months of the pandemic, the percentage of young adults living with their parents surged to levels that had not been seen since the Great Depression, Pew Research said. Although the situation has moderated, a recent survey from PropertyManagement.com shows that about one out of four millennials — or 18 million people from 26 to 41 — moved in with their parents this year.
Some parents follow a “my house, my rules” attitude, even if an adult child is closer to 40 than 18. Others might be more hands-off, but at the very least expect the child to contribute in some way financially.
High rent and economic strain could be the reason an adult child is moving back in, but that does not mean a parent’s home should be a free ride without any expectations or monetary obligations.
The only way to navigate the situation is with lots of discussion, trial and error, and healthy boundary setting.
Parents are justified in asking the adult child to shoulder a portion of the financial burden, either through paying some sort of rent or contributing to household expenses, but adult children should be able to request a significant amount of space and autonomy, too.
Parents should ask for rent. Having another person in the home does not change the base cost of the mortgage or rent payment, but it does increase utilities and grocery bills. For those living on a fixed income, such as retirees, that increase could be problematic.
Even if you do not need the money, charging adult children rent ensures responsibility and could be a forced savings account. Generous parents could return the accumulated monthly rent back to their children when they are ready to leave.
Regardless of the reason, the conversation about paying rent needs to happen prior to a child moving back home. Parents do not need to provide a reason about why they would charge rent, but it might be helpful to give some context.
Ideally, the rate should be modest, especially if part of the child’s reason for the boomerang home is due to job loss or being priced out of the housing market.
Modest is a relative term, but the reason — or goal — behind charging rent should inform the price. Much like a tenant with a landlord, parents should also be open to a child negotiating the price.
Before setting an amount, it is helpful for parent and child to have an open conversation around the idea of rent and what feels doable. Parents should be ready to explain how the rent money is being used, and the child needs to be honest about what is affordable based on their employment and financial situation.
For parents who feel deeply uncomfortable charging their adult children rent, there still should be a discussion around expectations and boundaries:
Would the adult child be expected to handle meals on certain nights? Is she buying her own groceries? How much should they be helping with household cleaning of shared spaces? Would they be expected to walk the dog or care for other pets? Can they invite people over without asking? Are they expected to check in if they are not coming home at night?
The dynamic should not just default to the one that existed when the child was younger.
For their part, adult children need to be proactive in having healthy boundary conversations and stating what they think moving back in would look like. Sharing what their life looked like before moving back in could help to establish a baseline of what they would like to be doing day-to-day.
The return home can be particularly fraught if the adult child is actively dating or engages in activities that are legal but not necessarily parental approved — such as smoking.
There should also be a frank discussion about expectations around a job search if the child is moving home after a job loss. Daily questions about what you did that day are not helpful — but it is fair for parents to get some sort of routine update about how a job search is going.
Too much pestering could land you back in the realm of dramatic door slamming and eye rolls. No one wants to move back home just to experience a regression to a teenager dynamic with their parents.
One of the toughest challenges could be when elder millennials return to their parents’ home with a partner or their own children in tow.
Despite it being the grandparents’ home, the parents of the children set the rules that should be respected by the grandparents. Adult children might parent or discipline differently to how they were raised.
It is not an indictment of the grandparents’ parenting style, and it is critical that parents do not feel attacked or judged because their children are doing things differently.
Still, grandparents should be able to draw boundaries around where and how the children are allowed to interact with certain items in their home.
Ultimately, the most important consideration when parents and grown children cohabitate is not financial — it is mental health.
A return to the nest might be in the financial best interest of the adult child — or the parent, if the child provides rent or other support — but is everyone able to have a healthy, copacetic dynamic?
Gut instinct might be the best guide as to whether the new roommate is worth it.
Erin Lowry is a Bloomberg Opinion columnist covering personal finance. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.
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