Taiwan’s Kafka army
After 16 years in Taiwan, the conversation I recently had with a young 7-Eleven worker who was in the army for four months has to be the most depressing I have ever had regarding Taiwan’s future and safety.
Taiwan’s military has been turned into a nanny state more extreme than your local park with rubber mats. The shocking facts I learned from this conversation completely blew my mind.
Meet the next generation of Taiwan’s defenders:
“Tell me more about the army. What kind of exercises did you do?” I asked.
He described it as a “summer camp” where the only exercises were push-ups, running 3km (without a backpack) and singing while pretending to march.
What kind of army is this? He had three meals a day and his self-discipline increased, but did he learn any cool skills? Sadly, no.
“Any hand-to-hand combat?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “We touched parts of a gun from time to time.”
Apparently, they re-enacted World War I-era battles using bayonets to attack dummies.
“Did you learn how to swim?” I asked, amazed to hear that “the pool was empty.”
The army seems to have forgotten that we live on an island that needs employable lifeguards.
“Did you climb a pole?” I asked.
Nope. “They would not let us do that, someone might get hurt,” he said.
“Climb ropes? Duck under wires?” I said, only to be to told no and no, that they pretended that wires were there.
He had a faraway look in his eye when he expressed an interest in paintball.
This soldier apparently did some quasi-cardio stretching exercises, which is of course a good idea, but even with all their spare time they never thought of learning the Gangnam Style dance. Most soldiers on the four-month program were fatter when leaving.
The contrast with my local park is extreme. Children’s playgrounds have rubber mats and “dangerous” activities like ropes and poles. Our local school has a pool.
My friend is more “free” outside the army than he is in it. How many things are wrong with that?
“There was a tragedy, a soldier died in custody,” the clerk said. “Now, anyone can call 1985 to report abuse.”
Understandably, soldiers and families are afraid to make a call, paranoid about officers being reported for doing something stupid.
“Learn CPR [cardio-pulmonary resuscitation], first aid?” I asked.
“No, and no,” the clerk said.
So this young man never performed martial arts, never learned knife-fighting skills, did not swim, ran only 3km without a pack and did push-ups.
This is the guy who is going to stop random public attacks and safely disarm suspects? Soldiers’ knowledge of taichi will not help them in the real world.
Taiwan’s military could be used to train medics and other first responders, but what do we get? Useless kids who do not know how to operate the heart machines at MRT stations.
Taiwan needs more than a “boring summer camp.” Follow the Boy Scouts model and give out badges for new skills.
Torch Pratt
Yonghe, New Taipei City
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